When Systems Fail

When Life Changes In A Second

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Tina. And I am Anne. Well, these are there are, I should say, moments in our lives where everything changes in an instant. And one second you might be planning your day, and the next second you are in survival mode because your entire nervous system is there. And it's sometimes uh at the hands of somebody else. And if I'm being quite honest, you know, we are real here at Real Talk. I I'm getting tired of other people's choices impacting myself and my family. So this week, both Ann and I experienced this, these scenarios, if you will, in very different ways.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

We were both reminded how quickly life can stop you in your tracks and force you into a direction that you never planned for. And I'm not talking about any time to plan for next year or someday. I'm talking it's gonna change right now, this second. And what hit both of us is how vulnerable people become when systems fail. When the things that are supposed to protect families suddenly don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

This episode is emotional and it's raw. Honestly, we are still living it while we're bringing it to you while we're recording this, because sometimes there's no neat ending yet. You're just trying to process all of the feelings, the anger, the fear, the sadness, and the exhaustion while you're still functioning. Gosh, that I think is among the things that hits me the most with what happened to me in particular in the last week. I it's I'm still processing all of those things, and yet I'm still required to keep functioning, and I'm finding it frustrating.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Me as well, Tina. And maybe, you know, this is the conversation that really matters because so many people are quietly carrying situations that they never chose. So today we're going to be talking about what happens when life interrupts everything, not theoretically,

Mother’s Day Plans Turn Into Impact

SPEAKER_00 2:35

personally.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

So it was supposed to be a wonderful Mother's Day on Sunday, May 10th. And my family had been asking, what do you want to do? What do you want to do? And there was part of me that just wanted to stay home and just kind of beautify some things outside and clean up some things inside. And I kind of laughed and said, Oh my gosh, I've turned into my mom, because I remember many Mother's Days where that's all she wanted to do. In hindsight, it's 2020. I get it now as a mom myself. You know, it's it's like the one day where maybe, maybe no one will fight you. But instead, I thought, man, you know, we've been really wanting to go to one of our local zoos and uh be able to feed one of the animals there. And I thought, okay, yeah, we're gonna do that. And then we're gonna go up to a lake that was nearby, and we were gonna have this great day. Um, instead, we were driving to the zoo and we were five minutes away from the zoo when we were stopped at a light off of the exit ramp. And it was myself, my husband was driving and our three boys, and all of a sudden, bam, we got hit from behind hard. Uh, didn't even know that our headrests had airbags in them, some sort of um automatic head restraint or something like that. And what happened next kind of feel like I I would I was shocked. I was just absolutely shocked. And a witness pulled up behind me or up next to us and said, I just saw him throw a beer can out the window and I wanted to let you know. So we ended up getting hit by a drunken driver. And as soon as they told me that, I said, Would you be able to stay and talk to police for us as our witness? And without hesitation, this family said yes. They pull in front of us, and a couple seconds later, I'm on the phone dialing 911, and the guy who hit us takes off. And he peels out on the off ramp and slams into the guardrail and crashes again. So, first my boys are traumatized, and us after being hit from behind with such force. My middle son is screaming for mommy, mommy, I need you in the backseat with his handout. And I can't be there for him because now I'm playing police detective and I'm on the phone with 911 and I'm trying to explain what happened. And when he took off, I'm just hollering the vehicle model color in the license plate. And luckily, uh, then he ended up, you you could see in the video, he couldn't figure out even what he was doing with trying to put his vehicle in gear. And then you see him take off again and down the road he went. And do you know that my initial thought was, oh my gosh, I want to protect anyone else from him? I was grateful that we were okay, meaning I didn't think we needed an ambulance. And I just thought, what is he gonna do to the next person? So I'm trying to explain this to 911, who talked awful to me. She asked, Where am I? I didn't even know. I wasn't paying attention, and I was in such shock. And I said, Can you please GPS my location? And I got a no. And the way

Calling 911 And Getting Dismissed

SPEAKER_01 6:05

that she talked to me, I was becoming more defeated by the second.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

After I had told her the vehicle description, the license plate, and that he took off this direction down this street, they hung up on me. And I was like, okay, I guess that means someone's coming for us and gonna find them or him. So we wait, 20 minutes goes by, nothing. And so this other family stayed with us on this awful highway ramp in quite possibly uh the worst part of the state and that we live in. And I called 911 again and I said, Listen, I called 20 minutes ago. We still haven't gotten help. My son had a laceration across his nose because he hit the seat in front of him where his youngest brother was. His youngest brother was fine. My husband and I were sore, but fine. My middle son did not have a seat in front of him, and they, my oldest and middle were in the back row, so they took the brunt of the impact. And so my son is screaming, his neck hurts, his neck hurts. And I'm telling them, I don't think I need an ambulance, but I need an officer to get here now so I can get my son help. I know an ambulance, I'm assuming I need that if they're bleeding and broken. And so I was trying to be kind. And okay, if someone else needs an ambulance, we don't. I just, I just know I want to get them checked out. Also, I don't even want to be in the area that I'm in right now. And so I'm like, no, I don't, I don't think I need an ambulance. But when can you get here? When do we expect you? She said, I can't tell you that. This is how I got talked, this was how I was spoken to. I said, can we can we stay here? Are you sending someone at some point? Do we move over to maybe I see a church there? Well, what church do you see? I'm like, I I don't know what it is. She goes, Well, I'm not gonna know what it is either. So I'm I'm talked to like this, and I'm like, this is going nowhere fast. So we hang up and we wait 20 more minutes, nothing. So now the witness calls 911. He gets transferred to the city police department, I guess, in which we were in, who tells us you just need to come to the nearest police station, file the report yourself. And I thought, well, this is interesting. So I document everything, I mean all the pieces, parts to the person's van, the damage to mine, um, the video from them. And we drive down to the police station, and I am met with just as little help. I'm standing there and I can see someone through the glass and I'm waiting. And so I gently tap on the window and I'm told, Yeah, I see you. So I thought, wow, I'm, you know, really at this point, I'm thinking, we're really getting no help, no help at all. So she slides a paper through the window, we fill out the report, I say, I have photos and video evidence, and she says, we don't need that.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Is this the same person you talk to on the phone, you think? No. No. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Okay. So I'm so, so I'm told you don't need any evidence. Nothing. So now I shift into, okay, nothing's gonna happen. I'm I'm so upset. Let's make sure my family's okay. So we drive back home and we take our kids to the urgent care. Urgent care transfers us to the emergency room because of my son's neck because of the pain and where it was. We get x-rays and everything like that. My son is now in a neck brace. I spent the next two days on the phone for hours with this police department, basically begging them to take my evidence, investigate my case, and bring our family some justice. It's already sad enough that they're not gonna get the driver because uh for for DUI, because it's well past that time. But to not include our our video and photo evidence, to not listen to us, to not go after him, to not give him a consequence. Everything we teach our children, I was being told basically, yeah, no, there's not gonna be any repercussions. I wasn't, I was not gonna be okay with that. First of all, we have taught our kids that police are there to help. Now we already have to work through that. Second of all, we tell our kids there are consequences for your actions. And I'm literally being told that a felony hit skip, which is what this was, because of an accident with

ER Visits And Demanding Accountability

SPEAKER_01 10:45

injuries, was gonna just be let go. So I wrote an email to the chief of police, and I am in the media, and sadly, maybe that's why I got the help that I finally did, because I let her know that all of this was going on. And instead of spending my mother's day at the zoo, I spent it in the emergency room for hours and hours and hours with my two children because of someone else's horrible decision. I said, You will find him and you will bring our family justice. Now I said it a lot maybe nicer than how I'm explaining it now, but that is how I felt. Within an hour, she got back to me, the chief, and said, Absolutely, I am so sorry that this happened. And I now have learned that this department has problems, and a lot of bigger city departments have problems. It's not just this area that we were in, it's a really big problem. In a moment where I should have been supported, my family should have been supported. The system failed us. There was nobody there. I had never been in a car wreck before. This was my family's first time. Honestly, I couldn't feel like I could figure out what to do. And so we went to the ER, we we got cleared of no broken bones. My son is in this brace, we're fighting to get justice. Uh days go by, you know, the department lies here and there about a timeline of events and things like that. In the end, in the end, um, my my son is okay. He got his neck brace off, doesn't appear to have any long-term damage, all very, very good. And then last weekend, we got a call that they found the driver. Apparently, he had stolen his girlfriend's car, was angry, out of control. She tried to stop him, obviously couldn't. He took off, crashed twice, went back home, told her about it. Uh, so they found him, he admitted to the hit and run aspect of it, and he was charged with leaving the scene of an accident. And I've only been able to recently like cry about it and and get my frustration out. Now, I'll tell you, gratitude above all else. Absolutely. I'm so grateful it wasn't worse. I'm so grateful we walked away as a family. I am, however, heartbroken that it took such a fight to get here. And the sad part is I've heard many stories over the last 10 days or so. And particularly one that really stood out to me. A friend of mine was hit on his bicycle eight years ago, and he was a firefighter and still is. The person that hit him, he was out of work for seven months, had a two-month-old baby at home, and had two surgeries, major surgeries. We're talking medical bills and the six figures for him.

unknown 13:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

The person that hit him, that was his 45th citation.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

And there's not much being done about it. How can we, or how did we as a society get to the point where we just accept this is the way it is? Because I'm not going to accept that. It should not be the way it is. People who have these important jobs, any job, you should do it with pride. You should do it to the best that you can every single day. People deserve justice. People deserve honesty, compassion, especially in a traumatic situation. And I still haven't gotten my Mother's Day. And I hope that it's not marred like that the next Mother's Day. But I didn't get my Mother's Day. But what I'm grateful that I did get are my kids are okay, my husband is okay. I am okay. But I've noticed something about myself as I'm driving now. I'm a little bit more like looking, you know, like, oh, you know, a little bit like, what was that? What was that? You know, I'm a little bit that and looking behind, you know, in my rearview mirror

The Trauma That Keeps Replaying

SPEAKER_01 14:55

a lot more. And I don't know why I started doing this, but I now make sure that my purse is a small crossbody bag. And I now make sure that I put my phone in that and I seat belt it into my seatbelt so that if something were to happen again, my phone doesn't go flying and I can't get to it. You know, I it's amazing how things impact you. And I just would be lying if I said I was not frustrated with how hard we had to fight to get something done. I it should never, it should have never had to be that way.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

It seems to me more and more, and we'll get more into this as we go on Real Talk with Tina and Anne as Tina talks about what's going on with her from the accident, but it just really feels to me that systems overall are just failing. And the the systems that you honestly think are supposed to be there. And we tell our kids, police are good people. You know, these all these workers that are behind the scenes, you know, they're there for us for our good. And when they say that they are, but they don't show up and they give you those kinds of reactions when you're in need, when you're in a trauma situation, and they should be reaching out to you in love and care and just, you know, some empathy, just you know, give you a little bit of heart. Even if they don't feel it, they could do it and fake it. Uh but apparently nobody was willing to step up to you that day and which adds to the trauma, which adds to what's going on with the boys, because then you can't say to them, Well, you know, the police, and I do believe for the most part that police are good people, but it it creates this layer of where you don't trust. Yeah, you you want to trust them and you want to have your kids trust the police and and all the systems that we have been provided. Um, but yeah, they really do just keep failing. And the other thing about it is in your story is that trauma doesn't just end when the moment ends. I mean, as you can see, I mean, this was Mother's Day, and you know, we don't need to tell you exactly when we're taping this, but it it's quite a ways after in weeks. And what I'm saying is that it doesn't end then, it continues. And who knows when this will really end for you if it ever really will, um, because there will be effects that you will feel rippling for a while.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

Yeah, it's I I'm most honestly upset at how much I feel that police failed us.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

You know, maybe you would think that I'd be most upset by the drunk driver. I'm I'm upset about that too. But in my moment of crisis, there was nobody there. And to process that to feel unseen, unheard, not cared for, especially my children.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

That I I think that's the most traumatic part for me. Uh, am I angry about the person's selfish choice that hit us? Absolutely. Do you know all I want is an apology for him to say, and I know it's silly, I'm not gonna get that. I get it. But I would just love for my own healing for him to say, I am sorry that my selfish decision hurt your family. That's all I want. You know, what bothered me too is I feel as though the department thought that once they got him and realized that he had stolen the girlfriend's car and she had insurance, that that was all I wanted. That's all I wanted was insurance. I was even told, quote, now you can sue if you'd like to. That was never my intent. Three of us didn't even go to the hospital. Okay. And I tried an urgent care first. Yes, do I absolutely think that they will pay for the damages of our uh vehicle and my children's medical bills? Absolutely. Absolutely. We are owed that. But at the end of the day, I'm not trying to get rich off of this. You know, truly what I want, and this is what brings me so much emotion. I would love for this man to never do that again. I don't want him to kill somebody. And at the end of the day, I really do love people. And I wish I could talk to him face to face and say, you really hurt our family. And it really sucked. And everything after it sucked just as much. You took the one day away from me, one day that I get, and you took it. But I have to still go back to gratitude and kind of console my own self and say, well, maybe because he admitted it, he has a little bit of remorse. And my hope is he won't do it again. He will think twice before making another stupid move. That that's my hope.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

And it's really sad that all of that was taken away from you. And then in the midst of all of it, and you know, if I can say this, Tina, that the week before going into Mother's Day, you know, you you know that your your mom is not the mom that you could have with early onset dementia. So there's that layer. And then there was another layer where that was the anniversary of your baby's death.

SPEAKER_01 20:14

Yeah, our stillborn baby's death. Yeah. It was, and and also that we my mom didn't know who I was. And um it it all it just all kind of spiraled. And I really felt like I just wanted someone to be there for me. It was like the last traumatic event, you know, of the week. And and I really wanted to be supported like a like a big warm hug. And I felt like I didn't have anybody, and my mom would have been there in three seconds, you know. She she would have been there. And in one regard, I'm I'm thankful she doesn't know any of this happened. But in the other, I miss her so much. I could have used her hug, and she would have fought beside me just as hard for justice. And uh I miss that. I miss her. And you know, it gets old kind of feeling alone. I know I feel like I'm 42 years old. Maybe I shouldn't have such big emotions and feel this way, but but I do, and um I'm not gonna apologize for it because it's real. And in the end, again, we are okay. And I really want to say thank you. Thank you to the witness, uh, the witnesses, their family. They had two little babies with them in that car. They did not have to stay. Uh, they stayed with us, they hugged us, they gave us um chocolate-covered strawberries and raspberries. They happened to have an extra box that they had bought at church. I mean, they were fantastic. Without them, I wouldn't have had any video or anything because I was on the phone when this started to take place and the driver took off. So, and I wouldn't have had the intel either about him throwing a beer can out the window after he hit us. So I'm so grateful for people. People who will stay with you and stand with you. Um it was almost like a little piece of my mom was there with them.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

And I'm so thankful. They sound like just wonderful people and exactly who you needed at that moment. That's you know, I I you with everything said, there's thankfully you can hold on to some of those things, you know, and and that there was some really good people there for you, but you were absolutely robbed of so much. And I'm glad that everybody survived, but there was parts of you that were taken, and your nervous system, I think, will always remember that. Your your body will remember, your mind replays it. Like you said, you're almost like in a PTSD about it now, and your emotions stay activated. And meanwhile, life expects you to continue to function like nothing happened. And let's admit it, I mean, it really does. Uh, life continues, and even the police's reaction with you, it's just like, well, what do you want us to do about it? I mean, just keep going. It's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

And that's exactly how I felt I was treated, and that's wrong. It is a big deal to anyone who's facing a traumatic situation. It is a big deal. And remember, we didn't make anybody choose their job. If you don't want to be a dispatcher because you can't be kind or compassionate, then you should choose a different job.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

You know, and I the my first thought was was she having a bad day? Is this the way that she normally reacts?

SPEAKER_01 23:35

I mean, when you call it different people every time.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Every time we called.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Every single time somebody calls 911, they are in crisis. People don't call 911 just to do it. You're in crisis. And so they should treat you as if you're going through something really major and be kind. I mean, that's all they needed to do was be kind. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

I'm told that they'll be listening to my 911 calls back again. And uh, they already have listened to them a few times to help train the department and what they need to do better. And so that's that's all that one can hope. I'm really proud of myself for how calm and collected I stayed, even though I was in I was in literal shock, literal shock. And, you know, I feel a little guilt. Of course, thankfully, my husband was back checking on the boys as I was calling 911, but I couldn't be there for them in the way they needed because one of us had to be the police officer, one of us had to be the detective, one of us had to take uh video and photo evidence, one of us had to do that. And I'm just I'm sad that the system failed and that that reckless decision really did shatter that day. Um, but and I think that the system's failing is where our stories connect.

A Mental Health Safety Net Disappears

SPEAKER_00 24:59

Oh, absolutely. I mean, yeah, we're going through kind of it's very different, but it is very the same, and that uh the system is absolutely giving us uh it's it's it's scary, it's I'm mad, I feel all the things. Uh this week our family experienced a completely different kind of collision, not with a police, but different kind of system, mental health. And we have a family member who is receiving, I guess it you would call it, it's a certain kind of government funding that they need, and the funding ran out. And it wasn't supposed to, eventually it would have, but another system was going to pick it up. But in a long story short, it uh is just going to end and very unexpected. And this system says that they can't, and responsibility keeps going to this person, which keeps going to this person, and everybody just keeps looking the other way, and nobody says that they are willing to really help and pick this up. So uh we can't provide this person what they need. And I have no problem helping this person and doing all the things that this person needs. I have spent three days fighting and advocating to get what this person needs, and it appears as if it's not going to happen. So here we are. And honestly, it's about safety. And I, the people that you think, just like you with the police, the people that you think are the ones behind the scenes for families, you think that their response is going to be kind and giving, and let me see what I can do. Well, act on this right away and make sure that everything is okay and everybody is safe. That's not happening. And the responsibility keeps being put in my lap. And before anybody goes and says, Well, it is your responsibility, it's your family. It's different when there's a safety issue and you're crying out for help and you're saying, Look, if we don't do something here, this isn't gonna turn out good. Aren't we supposed to make sure that everybody is going to receive the best care and get the best outcome?

SPEAKER_01 27:34

I mean you would think, you would think.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

But at this very moment, we're kind of being set up for failure. And I really hope that God, see, this is where I always say, okay, we are at our absolute bottom. We're not gonna get the help that we thought that we were gonna get. The system absolutely failed. So, okay, God, this is where you show up. You know, and that's the only thing that I can think of is that we're still holding out for one last miracle. Uh, and we can have all the different helps in our house. We can try to do what we need to to can come, you know, continue, uh, but we were expecting a different outcome. We were relying on that. We were told things were gonna happen in one direction, and then suddenly, with no warning, everything changed. This has been such an absolute shock to everybody in our family that we're walking zombies at this point, and my brain is completely checked out. And what the hardest was, how quick it all happened. Like you said, with the accident, and it was bam, it just happened. And then you look to go receive the help, and the help just isn't there. That is such a scary place to be. You feel like you're on some abandoned island and you're looking to everybody within reach, and nobody is even offering a hand. It's such a scary place to be.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

It is a scary place to be, and one that I feel like we shouldn't have to be. And clearly the person that you're referencing is in a place and has been for months and months to try to get better. And the fact that it's not guaranteed that you'll be safe, your family will be safe, that person will be safe.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Blows my mind about how broken so many different systems are. And I have talked to several different departments who say, yeah, everything is so broken from bottom to top, top to bottom, and everything in between. I I am not comforted knowing that it actually makes me a little bit sick. And uh I struggle because I don't know how to fix it. You know, I feel like situations like what you're facing, uh, it's so difficult for families because oftentimes they're relying on systems they believe are stable. Mental health systems, government systems, school systems, insurance systems. And then suddenly when you need it most, you realize how fragile all of it actually is. You know, I've been asked, you know, do you think it would have been better if you saw the crash coming? No, I think it would have been worse. You know, you stiffen up, you brace yourself for it. And, you know, in your situation, it's like would you rather, would you have rather known that this was coming? Did they know all along that this was coming? And I don't know how to answer that. I'd like to hope the answer is no, that they were doing all they could to get the help that you do deserve and that your family member deserves. But I am left questioning at this point.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

Yeah, I the systems that I really believed in and I was very thankful for is very government run. And unfortunately, more and more monies are being pulled from many different resources, things that we're really counted on, especially for special needs people. And it's very unfortunate that special needs families are really suffering. And we are fighting for services, therapies, interventions, placements, medications, support, staffing, funding. And then, like what just happened to us, it gets denied, it gets pulled, it gets redirected, and suddenly the children or whoever is the the individual that's receiving the services, you know, they are the ones that are being affected and not the people making the decisions. And I often ri you know, I will say that to them. This is not you in your family, and you should treat it as if it was yes. We we do have one really great person, and who she, I mean, she cares so much and she feels so bad, and she is one of the people that stands before where the funding source is. She is not responsible for the decisions that are made, but she is responsible for giving me the hard news. And you know, that was the other thing, was how I was told. And I didn't need it was like the band-aid was just ripped off, and I didn't even have a chance to prepare. As much as I care for everybody whose hearts are really in the right place, and lots of times because they are in the helping profession or working with special needs people, their hearts are in the right place. But unfortunately, when the funding sources are cut, there is nothing that anybody can do. So I do feel bad for them because they feel helpless as well. And but the people that are being affected, and I would love to stand in front of Congress because there is such a gap. And I would like to explain to them why these monies are so important.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Yeah, I I can only imagine. I I often think that too, that if you haven't gone through it, you really don't know. And people, I think, who are making some of these big decisions have no idea what it means when they take away that funding or when they take away that staffing, when they take away that school. And there is a cost. There's absolutely a cost. And as I tell my children, and as I truly believe, when we can admit our wrongdoings, I think, and then we are held accountable. I think that's where real change can happen. And I think there's so little accountability across the board, so little accountability. It it's disgusting to me. And I wish that people who make some of these important decisions, like you were just saying, would talk to families who have been impacted. You know, when my mom was first diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's, we're told that there's no help available to us because it would, quote, bankrupt the system. Well, that's very comforting. I'm really happy to know that. So, what are we supposed to do? You see, that's I think at the core of my frustration, it is that feeling of nobody cares. Nobody is helping in all of these hard things that we've faced. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it. At some point, something has to be done, something has to change.

SPEAKER_00 34:29

Yeah, I thought about your mom when this was happening in the wheelchair, and all she wanted was a wheelchair or a shower chair, or, you know, I mean, they're just basic things that people need when they're in desperate need, and your mom can't even walk and she just needs help in the shower, and they told you no. I mean, I just couldn't even believe that that was a thing. I'm I was completely shocked, and I'm tired of everything being a fight. Why do families have to constantly prove their need, prove that they're exhausted, prove their children deserve more help? And meanwhile, everybody talks about supporting mental health until it costs money.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

And Anne, you're you're hitting me right in the heart. I know I've been a little teary-eyed throughout this whole thing, but see, that's the hard truth. It's always, and hopefully won't always be, but I have no idea. But it's always about the money. Always, always, always. Instead of having to prove it, I don't know what on paper or filling out this and that. Why don't you just come and see what it's like to spend an entire day and night in our shoes? You don't need me to fill out paperwork. You don't need you to fill out paperwork to know that safety is an issue, stress is

Healthcare Denials And Cuts Everywhere

SPEAKER_01 35:45

an issue. We just need help. It's not like we're trying to take from someone else who needs it. We need it. And we're not getting the support. And then here we are. We're still trying to find ways to care for our families. And I don't know about you, but I end up suffering. There's no time for self-care for me. There's there's no time to take care of, you know, getting on a regular exercise plan. You know, I'm up for work at 3:45 in the morning. I'm going to bed between 10 and 11 at night. I'm trying to meet everybody's needs, this demanding schedule. Um, there's a cost to everything. But I don't understand how some things get valued higher than others. And it's just been a real disheartening um part of my life, really, seeing how seemingly little some people care who actually have the power to make things better or help people. You know, people say, we care about kids, we care about families, we care about mental health. But then schools lose funding, programs lose funding, families lose support. And suddenly people are left trying to survive situations that they were never equipped to handle alone. We've all heard the saying it takes a village to raise a family. Sometimes we need help. And everywhere you turn, it's getting cut. Where is it going? When is it coming back for us?

SPEAKER_00 37:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:21

Is it going to come?

SPEAKER_00 37:23

My oldest daughter has EDS. It's Ellers Danlow syndrome. And I really didn't even know about it until recently, uh, because she finally is getting diagnosed with it. And unfortunately, though, there's she's been in the hospital for it already in the last few months and for a week. And it her symptoms were very severe. And it got to the point last week, while all that was also going on, she was in extreme pain. She was in so much pain. She was calling me, she was telling me how much pain she was in, and she needed this medication. And the insurance and the doctors were fighting it over it for two weeks. And it came over this needed signed, or the insurance company wouldn't approve whatever. And I mean, it was it. She finally she called the insurance company and she said, You just don't understand if you don't approve this, you're going to be paying for a hospital stay, which is a lot more than this medication. I just don't understand why it even had to be a fight for her. It shouldn't be. I need this medication, just please give it to me. And I watch people, and this is just kind of like a quick side thing. I watch people on TikTok who are in other countries. And I have never been the kind of person that believes in socialism and things like that. But they do just walk in to and they get the care that they need and then they walk out, even if they're visitors to the country, and they don't really have that much of a pay, and they get so much care. And I'm just like, why do we have people dying and they're not getting the care that they need? Why is mental health not getting the attention that it needs? But some other countries have no mental, they don't have people living on the streets like we do. They take care.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

Our systems, they're very broken here. I, you know, we call ourselves the richest nation in the world. And there's so much that we lack. People within the systems themselves have told me how broken it is. They hate their job. You'd never want their job. And these are jobs that are important, that are supposed to be in place to help others. And I have been told numerous times it's boils down to people just don't want to do their jobs. People are being lazy and they just straight don't want to do their jobs. It's almost like they want to get paid, but have to do nothing. And I feel like I've seen this shift ever since the pandemic. And, you know, and I don't, I don't know exactly, that's just that is how I feel. That is my observation. Uh I have often lately, over the last few months, been thinking about how I wish I lived in Europe. You know, I have friends that live in Switzerland. Things are great for them in the healthcare system. You know, people aren't drowning in debt over there in their medical bills. They don't have to decide if they can go to the doctor or not, like we do here. I pay into a system that can't even help me. I have my own private health insurance, but yet they still get to decide if I get to have this procedure done or if I get to get this imaging done. And I have a real problem with that.

SPEAKER_00 40:44

Yeah, that's not okay. No, I mean, you pay, you should get the service. I mean, it's and sometimes we pay for years and years and years into it. And then we only need it a few times, and then we still get denied.

SPEAKER_01 40:57

Yeah, it's it's it's so broken here. It's all about the money. And you know, it it get it makes me feel helpless, and I hate that feeling. I I'll tell you what, it is the feeling I think I hate the most. Uh, sometimes angry Tina is fun, but helpless Tina is not. Helpless Tina is absolutely heartbroken. And I think what hurts the most is feeling like nobody sees how serious it is until it becomes a crisis. And even then, sometimes I'm not sure it matters to the people it should either. But, you know, my kids' school lost funding. Many teachers and administration and busing and buildings are being impacted. Uh it's the kids who are going to suffer most. It's not just our school district, it's all across our state. And um, you know, as the end of the year nears, the kids, the teachers, all the feels from all of these things happening. And again, the kids suffer because the state takes away the money. And do they actually know what they're doing? I sometimes think absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00 42:01

Yes. I also this has

Advocacy Mode And Staying Functional

SPEAKER_00 42:05

fueled me. And I can see that it fuels you. And one of the things when I I have been in probably 10 meetings in the last couple of weeks because of everything that's happening, I am so focused. I am laser focused. I am saying things that I normally have trouble saying in these meetings, and I wrote like a two-page letter to everybody on the team. And I was just like, and you, and you, and you, and I did not feel bad. And even somebody said to me, you know what, you threw me under the bus. And I said, Yes, I did, because this is exactly what happened. And she said that uh she actually paid me a compliment. And even though we worked it out between the two of us, um, she's like, You're very logical, and that's why we get along so well. And I see this in a very black and white facts only, no opinions, and this is what happened. This is what happened. And when you get that focused, that laser focused, and you call everybody out, including the systems, I'm not saying that change is going to happen, but at least you can expose. And I think that that's one you have to expose what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

No, I I'm in complete agreement with you. If if you don't do that, it's like it's like if you don't seek justice, or like we went back to when we talk about telling our kids there are consequences for your actions. There just are. It makes you stop and think next time. I really do believe that.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

Yeah, it does. And I think also, I mean, this is another thing. One of the hardest parts of all of this is that life doesn't stop when you're going through all of this and you still have to take care of the kids. You still have all these responsibilities, you still have to pay your bills, and you still have to cook, make sure that everybody's eating. You know, meanwhile, internally, you're grieving, there's a huge loss, and you're trying to work through. Through all of this. Or Tina, I mean, you were just, I mean, you were hit by a drunk driver. We were hit from the side as well for a different reason. And we have to figure it out. We just have to. And the people just aren't there to help, but we just have to figure it out on our own.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

And I think that's what leads to some anger, real anger, not because life isn't perfect, but because some pain feels preventable. A drunk driver did not have to get behind the wheel. Families should not have to beg systems that are in place to help to actually do the job. Children should not lose support because funding falls apart. I I just can't believe where we are. My heart is really, really bothered by all of this.

SPEAKER_00 44:41

It is me too. And underneath all of this anger is what you're showing, Tina. It's heartbreak because at the center of all of this are people. And we are just hurting kids that we love are hurting the families that we love. Your mom, I mean, my daughter. That's why it hurts so much. These are real impacts for real people. And many of these decisions affect vulnerable populations. And your mom is one.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

So as we're in the aftermath over here at our house, it kind of leads me to the thought of what do we do when systems outside of our control are in control? And honestly, sometimes first you have to just survive it. That is absolutely what I felt to my core the day it happened. I didn't even cry the day of the crash. I was in absolute complete shock. And I think my family was too. What surprised me was the way that one of my sons handled it, was so, so quiet about it. But the hospital showed me everything I needed to know by when they took his pulse and how high it was. And so, you know, I was able to tell great, you know, this is really bothering him. So honestly, first sometimes you you just survive it. You breathe, you cry, you rage, you regroup.

SPEAKER_00 45:56

And then eventually you adapt. But not because that you wanted this version of life, but because life kept moving and changing, and you just had to move with it. You didn't have a choice. And I've ri literally spent the last three days doing nothing but fighting, phone calls, adapting, telling my family the news, helping them to try to figure out how we're gonna do this. And maybe the lesson here is not how do we control everything? Maybe it is how do we keep going when we can't.

SPEAKER_01 46:33

Well, I feel that that one is sinking in. I'm in such an overwhelmed state of mind with all of the last things for the school year and all the changes that are happening in our district and the full schedule for the month that May is, and all of the anniversaries, and the sadness, and the joys, and the crash, and the this and the that. And I just feel like I am uh exhausted. I'm spent.

SPEAKER_00 47:12

I I really want to add this quickly before we have to end here because it really did add to the rest of my story. And then it ends on a funny note, actually. But uh so yesterday, um, in the midst of all of this, um, my son was out on our deck and he runs in, slams a door, and because he thought he saw a wasp, which my favorite clock that sits above one of the walls on our deck crashed to the ground. Just crashed, and it's right next to my Jesus picture out there. I mean, glass was all over the deck, it was completely broken. So, you know, uh a lot of other things happened I don't need to go into, but then I said, all we need is a bat. That's all we need.

SPEAKER_01 48:05

Oh no. Famous last words, huh?

SPEAKER_00 48:08

Midnight last night. It was flying right over my head. I could not believe it. There's my cat trying to get it. We're trying to make sure he doesn't get it because then here we go again with shots, and I don't want to do that again. He got sick after the last one because it would be three or four shots now that he would have had to get in the last year. So it was like that's too many for his system. Um, so anyway, we were really trying to avoid that. Uh, even though he could take it out in one second, it would be fantastic. Our problem would be over, but I'm trying to protect him. And so, you know, it did you know he's chasing it through the house, and we finally got it on the deck, and there it is still. As we're taping this episode, I have a bat on my deck, and I know, but it's in there somewhere, and as I'm trying to do all this last night, I lean up against the wall, and a picture falls to the ground and slams on the floor, glass everywhere, and I'm just like, what is going on? I don't know. I don't know, but if you ever feel like you're a target or that you're afraid to even breathe because you just something might happen. Um, but the funny thing was my friend was downstairs, and it's like 2 a.m. at this point. Oh yeah, and then I forgot. We got the bat on the deck. I look out, my friend is um, I she's like, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna look for the bat. It's on the deck, but she's waiting for it to reveal itself on the deck, okay? Okay, so she's right by the deck, supposedly. And I look through our camera where she is, because we have cameras throughout our house, and I look, and she's nowhere near the bat. She's in a completely different room in the house, and this is her. She's got an ice cream in one hand, she's eating right out of the carton, watching TV.

SPEAKER_01 50:13

And maybe that catches a bat. You never know.

SPEAKER_00 50:16

She doesn't know it that I can see. And so I said, I thought you were watching a looking for the bat, and she says, I am, and then she's like eating more ice cream. My son and I were laughing so hard that it was, you know what? Sometimes it's just those little things. But then, you know, we all go back to bed again, and then it wasn't even half an hour, and something happens to our alarm system in the house, and it just beep, beep, beep. The whole house is beeping. And I'm just like, I give up.

SPEAKER_01 50:53

Yeah. Yes, I would have, I would have I would have raised the white flag too and said, that is it. No more for me either. I hope you ended up getting a little nap in at some point. But if not, I hope you do sleep well tonight.

SPEAKER_00 51:07

Yeah, I plan on it.

SPEAKER_01 51:10

No, I I hope no more bats. Uh yeah, I hope no more bats either. So so now you have to wait until someone comes and gets the bat? Or you have to find it?

SPEAKER_00 51:20

We're going to find it. And we yes, we will figure it out. We will figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

Never a dull moment, right?

SPEAKER_00 51:29

No. Yeah. I mean, we have phone calls into our person that covers all the holes outside of our house because the chipmunks then chew holes. You know, we live in a 1907 house, and this is what happens with some of these older houses. There's a bat problem in our area. Other houses have it. We don't have them in our house, but once in a while a house a bat gets in. So it is what it is. But, you know, we're just, you know, Tina and I, what I love about us is that we figure out how to support each other. Even if it's from a distance, you know, we really try very hard to support each other. Um, and I have felt really bad over the last week that I couldn't be

The Bat On The Deck

SPEAKER_00 52:10

there for you more. But I don't could there never could have been a way that I could have been there for you more, except for being there for you, checking in on you, just seeing how you were doing.

SPEAKER_01 52:21

And same for me, for you in your situation. It's it's one of those things that we have to fight it ourselves because nobody can do it for us. And, you know, that part is what it is. Uh, wish it wasn't as hard as it is, but you you couldn't you couldn't carry any more than you did. And it was nice to just have you there checking in. And I I do appreciate that. I mean, after all, it is all about, you know, being a good friend is is you know supporting your friends the way that they need. And you know, that's one thing that I want to say is everyone you meet has something. They're carrying something that maybe you can see, but maybe you can't. And so as I tell my kids, and I made my own quote and magnet, be kind or be quiet. And I truly believe that if we could just be more kind and empathetic to everybody we meet, it really would go a long way, don't you think?

SPEAKER_00 53:19

Absolutely. I mean, like with the dispatcher, you know, the 911 person or some of these people that I'm dealing with, even if it's hard news or a difficult situation, all you need to do is be kind.

SPEAKER_01 53:31

Absolutely. You know, and going back to what can you do to help support a friend, a family member, a loved one, even just someone that maybe you were a witness to something, you could just be willing to sit with them in that hard. You know, I I think that was one of the most helpful things in our crash is that we had a very compassionate family stay with us and help us. And um, you know, I I thanked them again. We exchanged numbers and I just said, thank you so much. It means it means so much. If you are in the season where life feels completely different than what you planned, we see you.

SPEAKER_00 54:05

If you are angry, heartbroken, overwhelmed, or trying to figure out what comes next, you are not alone.

SPEAKER_01 54:13

And maybe that's the reminder today. Life can change in one moment.

SPEAKER_00 54:18

But so can support. I love good Samaritans. So can compassion, so can the people who st

Kindness Gratitude And Reaching Out

SPEAKER_00 54:25

who step in and help hold you together when everything falls apart.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

And honestly, there's one more thing that we want to say. Out of all of this, the fear, the anger, sadness, frustration, believe it or not, and it's true, we still feel gratitude the most. Not because any of this was okay, uh, not because the systems worked the way they should have, and not because any of it was easy, because it definitely wasn't, but because in the middle of all the things, there were still people, still moments, still reminders, goodness exists.

SPEAKER_00 55:01

And in the middle of Tina's terrifying accident, you know, there was a stranger who stayed, people who cared, people who stepped in where they didn't have to. In the middle of terrifying uncertainty for our family, there are still people that are trying to help. I mean, Tina has always been a text away and just letting me know that she's there. And sometimes that that's all I need. You know, still people who care deeply, moments where love shows up. And gratitude does not erase the hard, it just exists beside it. You can be angry and grateful, heartbroken and grateful, exhausted and grateful, afraid and grateful. And those things can exist together.

SPEAKER_01 55:39

And maybe that's part of the resilience, not pretending things don't hurt, but refusing to let the hard make you blind to the good that still exists inside of it.

SPEAKER_00 55:50

Because when life stops you, you start seeing things differently. You notice who stayed, who showed up, who held you together, who made you feel less alone. And at the end of this, that's what we keep coming back to gratitude. What has gotten me through like so many of these things is that I sit in the hard and I hold on to whatever positive I can, and then God's holding me, and I grab on to Him and stand up, and then I continue on. I feel the joy in the midst of the hard, and that is really what gets me through.

SPEAKER_01 56:24

For me, I remind myself, and this was a great reminder of focusing on what I have, focusing on who was there, what help was available to me. Uh, life is not perfect, but love still existed in the middle of the traumatic crash for this example.

SPEAKER_00 56:46

And we always end our episodes. This was a really tough one, and it was really real because these are real experiences, and these are things that everybody is going through. Tina and I are not different because, like she said, I am talking to so many people, I am hearing these stories everywhere. And so I just we just want you to know that there is purpose in the pain and there is hope in the journey. And we really want to do this journey with you. So thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_01 57:16

Yeah, and feel free to send us your stories. Um, we would love to be able to connect with you, especially if you felt unseen or unheard in a circumstance, or you just need a friend to listen. That's what we are here for. So thank you for joining us on Real Talk with Tina and Anne. We are raw, we are real, and um, we will see you next time.