The Strong Still Need Holding

Welcome And A Moment That Stopped Her

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

I am Tina. And I am Anne. Today's conversation, it's one of those that stays with you. Not because everything is resolved, but because something inside you shifts.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Yeah, this is uh definitely something that I think you'll remember. Now, there are moments in life that just stop you. And for me, I recently had one of them. I went to calling hours for my friend's husband, 44 years old, and I can't shake what I experienced there. First of all, the heartbreak, um, you know, and grief, not just grief because, you know, someone's life was taken too soon by cancer, but grief too, because they have five children and a sixth on the way. And um, there were there was just something deeper I felt when I went to the calling hours, something heavier, but somehow at the same time, something really beautiful. And I walked in expecting sadness. And yes, it was there. How could it not be? But, you know, this is a young family, a husband, a father, a life that feels like it should have had so much more time. But what I didn't expect was the spirit that was in the room. There was this overwhelming sense of love and community, real love. And that kind of thing doesn't disappear just because someone is gone. It was the kind that fills a space so fully that you feel it. And I kept thinking this is what matters.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

So many times that is not the case, though. You know, I mean, funerals are hard. I that is such a tragic story. And not everyone experiences a funeral in that way with a family that is grieving that deeply. A lot of times people walk into those spaces and all you feel is the heavy and the grief, but not peace at all. So, what do you think made this different?

The Love That Filled The Room

SPEAKER_01 2:35

The overwhelming thing that I felt and that I thought about for a couple weeks after attending was the way that their family and that their community, which felt like family, showed up. You know, even in the unimaginable pain, there was this steadiness. And I felt it. And it made me start thinking about how important it is. We all hear the saying that it takes a village to raise a family, right? And that is the overall theme that it left me with was would I have this support? Would I have this community? Would I have this love if something that tragic happened in my family? And I did walk away, you know, wondering that and thinking that and thinking, well, how does one build that? And at the same time, and yes, did I cry when I hugged my friend's sister? Yes. Um, you know, you try to stay strong, I guess, for your friend who you see. And yes, she's grieving. She would never have wanted this, but she trusts God's plan. And, you know, just that steadiness in that church during those calling hours, it's a piece that just didn't make any sense if you were to look at it on paper.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Yeah, you know, that that kind of piece. It doesn't come from circumstances, it comes from something a lot deeper. I don't even think that we can make it happen. It's just something that is rooted because when everything around you is falling apart and you're still standing in something steady, people feel that. Like what you're saying. I mean, you felt it. It sounds like it was all consuming. And that is so beautiful. But I have experienced kind of similar experiences at celebrations of life, and where they kind of make it fun and they take out the heavy and they let the people experience things like the person loved, things that they loved, like wear a cowboy hat or play cards because that's what they love to do, and it it becomes something different. It really does become more like a celebration. And I think that more and more people are actually going that direction, and they do call it oftentimes now a celebration of life versus a funeral. So it is a very interesting way to do it, but what you are describing is a joy. It's joy that I think that you felt a joy beyond understanding.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Yeah, the the best way I can describe it is it was it was all-consuming love, is what just filled me and filled everyone in that the space when we went. You know, I was told I was talking with my friend's mom afterward, and you know, she said even in her daughter's husband's final days, he was still ministering to people, still pointing them toward Jesus, still writing things down, actual bullet points on how to live, how to believe, how to follow. And I just kept thinking, who does that?

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Yeah, that is so beautiful. I mean, he's definitely these people are going to remember him, you know, they're going to take those bullet points and things that he left behind even on those last days, and they're gonna keep them because you know they just mean so much, especially because he did that in his very last days. That that's a whole nother level. That's such a a powerful question, though. I mean, who does that? Because most of us, if we're honest, when things get hard, we do pull inward. I know I do. I'm the kind of person, like, I'm like, no, leave me alone. No, no. And you know, I it made me think of my mom who when she was in her last days, and it was kind of funny, I guess, but she was very much a giver with elderly people, especially. You know, she was in her 80s and she um had had her own tax business. And so she with art would go and volunteer every year and do taxes for people that could not afford to get their taxes done. And she had like a list of people that she was going to be doing, and it was kind of funny to sit there and listen to her call these people and just say, Well, I'm sorry, I can't do your taxes this year because I'm apparently I'm dying. And, you know, I mean, she just had like this different kind of take on it. And I don't know, but I I found that that is the kind of spirit that I kind of would want to have. You know, you you just want to be in the moment still. She was still in the moment, and she was just kind of letting people know, hey, I'm not gonna be here. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

I I think everybody has their own way of of dealing with some information like that. You know, some will try to make a joke about it, some, you know, to make themselves feel better. Some might be really sad about it, and I think it's all okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

So we oftentimes just focus on figuring out how to survive, but he was still pouring outward. And that makes you stop and ask, you know, what kind of life leads that kind of ending?

Faith That Reached Even Skeptics

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Yeah, I know. And at the same time, it also leaves me wondering why, why so soon, you know, so sudden, so soon. And, you know, when you have someone who obviously is making such a big impact, but you know, I I saw something else that day. People who don't normally the this this actually this is, I think, amazing. People who don't normally talk about faith, people who maybe don't even believe were moved by my friend's husband. There was a reporter who openly said that they're an atheist, and they found themselves even praying for my friend's husband for him as an atheist. I can't even describe, I I actually can't put into words what that spoke to me.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Yeah, it was that moving, it sounds like, you know, when when even someone who doesn't believe in anything feels pulled into prayer. I mean, that's not small. That's r a really huge impact. And I would love to find out what happened to him after, you know, how he feels after, if there was any bit of feeling that he might have towards a god now, you know, that he might feel like there might be a something bigger than him. That would be very interesting to me to find out. You are obviously still thinking about this. Do you think that you came out differently?

SPEAKER_01 9:32

You know, I I do. In a way, I do. Um, in in one way, a positive way, and maybe in another way, more of like a sad way. I mentioned before, I'll start with the like kind of like sad way first. It really got me thinking about the community, you know, building a community around my children. Uh, what happened if something happened to me or their dad? Would they be taken care of? Would they have someone else to go to who's trusted? You know, would they have this community to rally around them? And so it got me thinking about that. And in some ways I would say, yes, they do, but in in other ways, um, I would say, no, we don't. And I'd like to be able to create that. And I don't have the answer of how to do that yet, but but that is something that keeps going on and on in my mind. The other thing is that to have a faith that is that strong, unwavering, that is able to get through to people who don't share the same beliefs is something that has sat with me too. It it's like a combination of the love, the community. Do I have that for my family? Because I believe it's needed. And seeing that faith, I mean, I I can't help but keep thinking about how he ministered to people, his family wrote things down in the final hours before he went to heaven. And I I don't know what that will do for me as we keep moving forward, but I do love having the option to sit and think. I I I like to be able to think and think deeply sometimes. And one's husband and her family have given me the opportunity to do that. And I'm really, I'm really grateful. You know, it it actually makes me quite emotional for all the reasons just thinking about that. What a gift he was. I wish he was still here for them. Man, he's given us all so much to think about. And I'm really grateful for that. You know, it's it's walking out of those calling hours. I I did, I felt challenged to put that community around my family, to rethink how I'm living day to day. Because it's one thing to feel something in a moment like that, and it's another thing to actually let it change you.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Yes. I mean, that really is the difference, isn't it? I mean, I think we are called to come out of a situation like that differently. I think that many times life's tough experiences are a call to action. And I mean, we can come out of it however we want or need to at the time, but let it grow, let it teach us until we're ready to maybe act on the lessons that are given to us out of that experience. I mean, feeling something, just I know that we're all feeling something when we come out of situations like that, letting it change how we live. Uh that's where the work is. You know, that's it's it is difficult, but we have to allow it to work through us.

A Full Life Can Still Feel Empty

SPEAKER_01 12:48

So, you know, I I came home after that and you know, to my real life. And on paper, my life is full, and I do love my life. I really want to say I do love my life. It does have its challenges, and I want to transition into that. You know, on paper, my life is full. I have a husband, three incredible boys, sports, school, energy, noise, life. I have a job that I love, and I love all of it, I really do. But here's the part that I don't think we talk about enough. You can have a very full life and still feel incredibly empty sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think a lot of people feel that. I mean, a lot, but don't say it out loud. It's not something that we really talk about with people because from the outside, everything looks fine. And I think that we don't know how most people feel on the inside, of course. Our outside life and our inside life are very different.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yeah. Yeah, they can be behind the scenes. You know, here's what my day actually looks like. This isn't for anyone to feel sorry. I'm not saying it for that. I'm just kind of trying to lay the foundation. So I start work at 4:30 in the morning. I am running on about five hours of sleep most days. I juggle two jobs. I help take care of my mom some days. I'm managing three kids, food allergies, schedules, sports, everything. And a lot of nights it's just me because my husband works, you know, a little bit later until about six o'clock, and then he goes straight to whatever kids practice he's volunteering for that day. And if I'm being honest, there are a lot of moments where I feel really alone. And I wanted to say that I actually had a conversation with my husband about this last weekend, and he ad he agreed that he felt the same way, which I thought was interesting. Um, I wouldn't have thought that from him. And I we we need to just make the time to sit down and talk about it and see what we can do to help us to not both feel this way. It was oddly comforting, but also like really that he felt the same way.

Marriage Loneliness And Family Meetings

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Oh my gosh, that is so interesting. Yeah, you know what? I know him kind of, and I never would have thought that. I know, I wouldn't have either. You know what? This brings me to a podcast that was on Real Talk with Tina and Ann at some point, and one she said, the the lady said that uh she talked about family meetings and that they may get a point to have family meetings weekly, every other week, and they all come together and they talk about their needs, and it's a no-judgment nut zone, it's a no consequence zone, they write their family's mission statement, and it's their way of coming together and just kind of you know sharing and being real and you know, saying, Look, I'm really feeling lonely, and this is why. And I want our family to come together on this, and you kind of work on those things together.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

I like that. I like that a lot. We're gonna come up with something. We are because we need to, you know, we we definitely have to.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

See, you guys are living in the same house and you didn't even know that you guys felt the same way. Didn't even know. Wow, I was really shocked. I was really shocked. Yes, because he's he like exemplifies joy. Like he he is joy, he just shows joy on his being a lot of times. I'm not saying closed doors behind in the house, you know, I'm talking about in the world.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

Yeah, well, I like I said, it it surprised me too because I thought that he's living his best life, you know. He's no offense, he doesn't have to do hardly anything at home, and he gets to do sports, sports, sports all the time with his kids, you know, with his boys. And, you know, he actually said that he he misses me. And here I thought we hated each other, you know. If I'm being honest, I did.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

You know, this is just a different kind of loneliness, and and things like that. I mean, it can just come out in different ways, and the other person is interpreting it a different way and misunderstanding how you're coming across, and he was misunderstanding how you were coming across. And I mean, I'm glad that you guys got to talk. And it's not about being physically alone, it's a lot deeper than that because being needed is not the same as being held. And when you just sit with yourself, what do you think, Tina, when you're just sitting by yourself and just thinking? Are you just feeling the loneliness? Are you feeling God at all? Are you feeling the busyness and the crazy? I mean, what are you exactly feeling? Or is it a mix?

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Oh, you know, it's uh it's funny that you ask, it's a lot of everything. My brain never stops, and I feel like it it thinks through kinds of things, and then it it overthinks some things and it rethinks some things, and it's a combination of how lonely I feel and how I don't know what the answer is to that because there are some things that can't change. You know, for example, we have three children and they have three sports schedules, and we're not gonna say, oh, okay, you can go to your game this week, but you can't. And so it's just, I think it might be more a matter of putting some things on my husband more. So, for example, you know, maybe one day a week, he is completely in charge of whatever we're gonna eat for for that day. So whatever he has to do to prep it and get it ready so that, you know, I don't have to think about at least one dinner one night a week and one lunch one night a week, you know? Maybe it's that. Maybe it's um, you know, my my brain tries to troubleshoot and figure out what can we do to make this better. You know, it no, it it has not felt, sadly, I haven't felt, you know, any, you know, connection with God, if you will, uh, which, you know, he comes and goes, I guess, you know, there are times where you feel them and when you don't. I think about the busyness of the schedule. I think about, you know, my mom, of course. I have all these different thoughts, but the overall one is that I try to calm myself down. I try to, you know, talk to myself and tell myself, it's gonna be okay. You are important, you are loved, we are going to work this out, we're going to figure it out. You might feel like this today, but it doesn't mean you'll feel like that tomorrow. Or, you know, maybe you will, but you know that in time it will get better. So I I kind of go through those things.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

Once in a while, I I just sit and I I don't get that very often, as you know. We both have busy lives, but once in a while I do try to sit and uh sometimes I feel the heaviness leave and I just allow myself to just feel the silence, and I think that I need to do that more often. It's really good for me. And you know, I people can feel lonely no matter how many people they have around them.

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Yeah, no, it's true. You know, and you know, they always say happiness comes from within and it's a choice, and I do believe that, but there are sometimes circumstances that just make that really, really hard. So I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything like that. I'm just saying that I feel, you know, I've I have felt just lonely and I want to connect with my kids, but I'm so tired. And, you know, they're in the phase of they want to do their electronic time. And, you know, you try to monitor that and give them just a certain amount of time. And then it's like, well, how do we connect now? I with the little amount of time that we have and we're trying to rush off. I'm trying to rush off and get three different kids in three different places at the same time. And so someone's early, someone's on time, and someone's late. It's the best I can do. And I kind of just have to sit with that and just be okay with it. I actually, it's funny you mention sitting in silence. I feel like my body is craving that. The last two days I felt kind of dizzy, like vertigo-y. And I can feel I'm overwhelmed. I'm just overwhelmed. And I'm not sure in what ways to be able to get that out and not feel that way. It's not a constant, you know, dizziness, thankfully. But you know, today I had to take a little nap and just hope that that was all I needed to shut things down. It's kind of like closing all the tabs on your browser. You know, you just gotta, you just gotta shut it all down. But I do think a little bit of silence is good for all of us, and I think I need a little more of it. It's funny. I'm saying that as I'm saying I feel lonely, but I feel like I need a little time to think. You know, I need a little time to think, okay, I need to troubleshoot this. What are we gonna do? So how are we gonna make it better?

SPEAKER_00 21:33

It's a reset. You know?

SPEAKER_02 21:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:36

That's what we're really needing. I mean, of course, you feel lonely, but you need silence at the same time. It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but it really does. It does.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

It does. You are listening to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. Thank you for joining us. And you know, from the outside, I feel like people could look at, you know, our lives and be like, how could you ever feel alone? And feel Fullness and support, though, are not the same thing. I think that that's the key for me is I'm feeling like I need support and I don't know how to get it.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

You know, uh we do try to hold each other together in my family, and it's very difficult because we have so much going on. But I, you know, I have three special needs kids and an adult child who just spent the week here, and I was just so excited to see her and her kids, but they have also so many needs, and my capacity is full. I don't have any room for anything else, and we really do try to hold everything together and pretend like we are fine. And I always there's an acronym for FINE, which I can't, I won't say the but it's basically F'd up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. That pretty much spits.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

I feel like I can relate to that.

Fear Underneath Loneliness And The Mental Load

SPEAKER_00 22:53

I just want to share this real quick, and for the first time in I I can't say how long, I was by myself in a situation, and I let a stranger help me. This was this is actually a really amazing story, Tina. And I'll try to say it pretty quickly, but at first, you know, I pushed him away initially because I was at this conference for neurodivergent individuals, and everybody there was neurodivergent. So, and I I didn't want anyone to notice that I was having a hard time. And I was like the different of the different, you know. I mean, I wanted to act like I had it all together and I was fine. There's that word again. But my friend and son, okay, they drove me to make sure that I would get there and get acclimated. And I never do anything without my external brains. At least one person is always with me, even if it's my son, and I was struggling trying to figure out signing in and where to go, and just I just stood there and I was overwhelmed. It just takes me a minute to get acclimated. Okay, I mean, that's basically what was going on, and I was watching other people just coming in and doing it and not having any problems, so I really was feeling different. Anyway, my friend came over and she saw that I was having a difficult time and she just made it so I could see her. And she came over, she helped me. It was really great. I really appreciated her help. But I was just still standing there, and this guy comes over and he just kept trying to help. And I was like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm good. And he's like, Really are you? And here it turns out, long story short, he was the man that was in charge of the entire thing. Okay. And so he was really trying to reach out his hand. So in my fineness, I walk away, I just go towards the main auditorium, and I'm just trying to get away basically from him. And he just, yeah, and and like I said, he was so wonderful. And he's like, you know what? Um, I'm not sure you're having a uh an okay time. And I said, Well, I'm used to my external brain with me, and I'm really trying to navigate this for the first time by myself, but I will be okay. And he's like, let me take a picture of the two of us. And I it felt weird, but I'm like, okay, we took a selfie. And then he says, I'm going to send this to everybody that's working there, and we can all be your external brains. And I went, no, no, no, no, no, you're not doing that. Um, I'm completely fine. And no, I really don't want you to do that. And he said, Okay. Um, but as people would approach me, random strangers, and say, Hi, Ann, I knew that he had. Um, so, but at the end, because he subtly was around, didn't do anything, like outright, just made sure, watched from a distance, and so did other people, that I was navigating okay. I felt them, I felt their presence around me, and I was able to really have an amazing rest of the day. And at the very end, I went up and um he saw me. He was on stage, it had just ended. He actually, with his hand on his chest, went right to me and he's like, Are you okay? And I was like, Yes, are you okay? And he said, I am if you are. It was so beautiful, and I never let people help me. It was really cool to let it was a different kind of help that I've never really allowed happen before. So, and you know what? Fear was a really big thing, and I think that when we feel alone, we do feel fear, and I really did. Do you feel the fear when you feel the loneliness?

SPEAKER_01 26:55

I do at times. First, I love I love that story. I love that he cared so much that he even circled back to you at the end. I love that. Um, do I feel fear when I feel lonely sometimes? Not all the time. Sometimes I just feel lonely. Um, but but I I can relate to, you know, my my fear might be a little different. So I feel lonely and that I miss my mom. My fear behind that is I don't want the disease that she has, which is Alzheimer's. Uh, not that anybody wants that, but I I think that is a fear behind that. When I feel lonely in my marriage, I'm not fearful that it will end or anything like that. Um maybe it it's it's more of a, I don't know if fear is the right word. Maybe it is, just kind of like, well, what are we gonna do to fix it? You know, everything takes work, which takes time, which takes energy, in my opinion. And we don't have, I don't have a finite amount of time or energy. And so it's kind of like I really feel maxed out in my life right now. And I don't just like you, I'm at max capacity. There's I yeah, I can't take on anything else. And so even needing to chat about the loneliness feels like another task that I don't know if I have the capacity to handle. So I'm glad that I got it out there. I just don't know when and how we will be able to handle it, but I'm confident that we will. So I think in some instances, yeah, fear is behind the lonely, and in others it may not be.

SPEAKER_00 28:32

Yeah, it's what's going on inside, what people can't see.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Yeah, it's it's that invisible load, the mental checklist, um, who needs what, what's coming next, and what can't be forgotten. It's like having, as I talked about earlier, it's like having 47 different tabs open in your brain all the time.

SPEAKER_00 28:53

And people don't see those tabs, you know, they only see the results or what we're trying to do.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

And even when I'm in the moment, I'm not always in the moment. And I hate that. It's really hard for me lately. Yes. Over the last several weeks, maybe months, if I'm being honest, to be in the moment. I'm watching my sons play uh baseball, say, but I'm thinking about dinner. So I'm I'm there, but I'm not fully there. And I don't know exactly what switch I need to turn off or how many tabs I need to close to be able to get there, but I do want to work on it.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

I know exactly what you mean. That happens to me all the time. Last week we had my gosh, we had so much going on. And my nervous system was on a thousand, and I wanted to make sure that I was where I was. And when my son's birthday party was going on, I I had the best time because I made it a point to go from person to person, and it was intentional. I felt so comfortable, I was so present, I didn't think of anything but what was happening right there in that moment, and it was a choice, it was something that I made myself do, and I just had the best time because I did that, because I was so present. And, you know, I I don't want to miss those moments because we can't get them back. You know, I have a 30-year-old now, and I look back at when she was three, and now she has a three-year-old, and it's like, oh my gosh, you know, those moments just go so fast. And those are the moments that we know we'll miss someday. So we want to be fully present, as present as we can be, and I think more and more um it's keeping us from more and more things are keeping us from being present. And yet we're not fully feeling the moments when we're actually in them.

Help Can Look Different

SPEAKER_01 30:51

Yeah, it's something to work on constantly. You know, the world is loud. We need to kind of quiet some things down and just focus on what is you're right, you'll never get that time back. I've been seeing something going around on social media that says, you know, your life is like a, I think it's something like your life is like a book. You know, when you when you turn the page or something like that, there's there's no going back. It was something to that effect. And it's true, you know, we we can't go back and change time. We just can't. So, you know, we've been talking about all of these things, and I always like to try to include maybe what we can do, what we could try to do to not feel lonely or to feel more connected or or whatever that may be. And so I've been asking myself, what might actually help? And I've been looking up some things, what might actually help? And, you know, one of the things I realized is, you know, let help look differently. So sometimes we miss help, and this is maybe kind of what you were saying, because it doesn't look how we expected. You know, when you were at the neurodivergent seminar, you are used to having your external brains in terms of, you know, people that you know, love, and trust right beside you. So help came in a very different form that you had never seen before nor expected. So, you know, in my case, we don't have any grandparents that can help with our kids. And so we haven't had a date night in years, to be honest. Uh actually, I take it back. We had one during my birthday, thanks to a friend, uh, which was in October. And so not having grandparents that can help us or really kind of, you know, be an integral part of our, you know, everyday life, that is a loss, but help can still exist. It just looks different. And for us, it's the form of uh friendships, which some of them feel like family we got to choose.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

Oh, yes. I I feel the same way. I mean, I choose my family, and I've had to do that as well. And um, just like with your mom, I mean, I we don't have any grandparents or anybody really to help us with the kids. So um I just call it my third childhood and I take him with me wherever I'm going and I just have fun with them. Uh, but it can get difficult because there are times that I would really like to just have some adult time, some alone time without them. And it is really hard, especially since I have one that homeschools and is connected to my hip at nine years old. So, um, but you know, you you are really dealing with a heavy loss there, really, with your mom with early onset dementia. And I think that that is so difficult, and it adds a different, harder layer to you. And uh the help really does need to look different for you.

SPEAKER_01 33:28

It does. It's uh, you know, I really connect with, and I'm really serious when I say this with Taylor Swift's song Opalite. It's the line in Taylor Swift's song Opalite, and it says, Never met no one like you before. You had to make your own sunshine. And I really connect with that, that lyric because I feel like that's the story of my life. I, you know, sometimes I can be jealous of people who have this beautiful, faith-filled, strong, big family. Everyone helps. And then there's me who feels like I've had to make my own sunshine. And my mom did too. You have to make your own sunshine uh every every day or every time that you need something. And so help does look different. But I am really grateful that I do have a couple of close friends who do live nearby. And, you know, they they we've connected and we've become so close and you know, our kids too, that we're able to just call each other up and say, hey, can you watch, you know, can our kids get together for a bit? I need this, or, you know, I need this. And so help looks different for me. It's not blood-related family, but it they are friends who really do feel like family.

Lower The Bar And Name Needs

SPEAKER_00 34:36

That's really wonderful. I'm so glad that you have that because every little thing helps. Um, I don't think that people realize that something that small can actually really be big. Another thing that Tina has on the list of things that we could do to help us is lower the bar.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

Yes, not everything has to be a 10. I'm talking to the perfectionists right now. Uh, you know, we we don't have to stress ourselves out to make sure everything is perfect because let's be honest, we tell our kids there's no such thing as perfect, and we need to remind ourselves there really isn't either. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

I mean, you're talking to somebody that tries to get a slam dunk every single thing that I do. So I do understand that very well. Um, but yeah, I need to do that as well. I need to listen to this.

SPEAKER_01 35:27

It's hard, isn't it? It is. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, the next thing that I was thinking about was naming your needs.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

Hmm. People can't support what they don't understand, you know, and and a lot of us are walking around carrying these things that we've never put words to. So we feel unseen, not because maybe they do care, but because no one knows what we're holding. And maybe we don't even know how to put it in words. Maybe we don't even know because we don't even understand ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 36:03

Isn't that the truth? Um, another way is small ways to fill your cup. I've always believed it's usually not the big things, it's the small things that add up over time.

Tiny Joys That Fill The Cup

SPEAKER_00 36:16

Yes. Yeah, it doesn't have to be big because most of us don't have space for big, but we do have space for small. And small done consistently is what actually sustains us.

SPEAKER_01 36:32

You know, I'm gonna talk about self-care here for me for a moment. You or maybe it's a bad habit, I don't know, however you would like to frame it. But this kind of made me think about you can tell when I'm having a hard time when I do a little retail therapy. I'm not promoting retail therapy, I'm just saying I've noticed that that seems to be my go-to, not not anything crazy, but to try to pick myself up, I decided I was going to buy myself something that I normally wouldn't have. And, you know, after I bought it, I was like, I didn't really need it, you know, but it does make me happy, and I am using it now, and I I do like it. It's uh it's a handbag, it's a pink ombre handbag, and I waited until it was on clearance, and I got a great deal on it, and it does, it makes me smile. And so I guess I'm saying that because for me, I just needed a little something, like a little something to look forward to, a little something to pick me up. And uh I that was my little self-care moment was I'm actually gonna get myself something I've been eyeing for a while that I normally wouldn't have. And I'm kind of glad I did. Maybe it helped me turn the corner, plus a couple of cute pairs of pants, new pants. That doesn't either. Sometimes I feel like if you dress better, you know, you get yourself dressed up, you feel better. I have to just say, and I'm sorry if this goes off topic for a moment, but it does go into the, you know, small things that just make you happy. I finally finished all five seasons of the Netflix show Emily in Paris. And I loved it. I loved the fashion, and I'm not even fashionable. I loved seeing the places, I loved everything about it. I loved Emily, I loved Mindy, I loved the boys that were in it. I loved so much of it. It was great. And uh I decided yesterday that I was gonna go and get see if there were some new pants. You know, I want, I just wanted like a fun outfit. Well, I found it. And as I was checking out, the lady behind the counter who was in her mid-60s asked me if I had a senior citizen's card. And I was like, oh my gosh, I balked. I said, no, no, I said, I'm only 42 years old. I might have a little gray hair, but no. And so the lady behind me is laughing. She's raising her hand, she's like, I have one. So we're laughing for a moment. And uh I went to another store, I grabbed something else, and yesterday I dressed like Emily and Paris, and I had a little scarf on with strawberries, and I had these plaid black, white, maroon, and pink uh pants on with a black shirt, and I felt great.

SPEAKER_00 39:30

Oh, that's so awesome.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

It was the small things. I I literally spent$12 on my entire. And it was just something so small that you you couldn't have you couldn't have shaken me yesterday if you tried. So my whole point in the story is do something small that makes you happy. And uh sometimes if you're feeling kind of like I have been, dress up like you are the CEO of some mega hospital, corporation, company, whatever you want to do, and have fun. It just boosts you up a good 10 steps. I don't know how or why, but it does. It did for me, and I think it will for you too. So small things consistently, that's what's gonna sustain.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

I'm so glad that you did that. That's so fun. Oh my gosh. And I love Emily and Paris too. And you do not look old enough to have a senior citizen card. You do not. So I don't know why she said that. Maybe it's just a script she says to everybody. Because you now, sorry.

SPEAKER_01 40:39

Look at the skin, you guys. This is still baby skin, right?

SPEAKER_00 40:44

It doesn't look old enough to have a senior citizen card.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

Apparently, I did not dress well that day. I was like, note to self, I will never wear this outfit again.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

Oh my gosh. Well, anyway, I'm glad that you got to dress like Emily for a day.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

Me too. It felt fun. No, it's like it's like I threw all the problems out the window and I sort of I I know, sounds weird, whatever. I sort of just felt like someone different for a day. I don't I don't dress like Emily in Paris, and I did, and it felt great, and I might do it again.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

I hope so. I hope you continue because it was only$12.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

Yes, you know?

Quick Resets For A Stressed Nervous System

SPEAKER_01 41:24

I mean, thrift stores are wonderful. Oh, I love the pants I got. I'm telling you, you find a lot of great things there. I got an old pair of jeans too with a cute oh, those are next. Oh my gosh, gold? Right? And a blue pair of pants that are similar to the color blue in our background for Real Talk with Tina and Ann. So my gosh. It would make a good 4th of July uh with a red and white shirt. Oh, yes, see? Now I gotta go back and find that shirt. Little things, you guys, little things. How about a couple of quick resets? What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 41:58

Yeah, quick resets. Let's do some of that.

SPEAKER_01 42:00

So, you know, we had talked earlier about how sitting in your car in silence before going inside somewhere, maybe that will help you. You know, that that could help you get in the right frame of mind. Obviously, and I do this all the time, taking some slow breaths without doing anything else. Whenever I feel my anxiety kicking in, you know, I breathe in for four, I hold it for a couple seconds, and I exhale for six. Something like that. Give or take a second. Um, you know, just stepping outside and getting that fresh air for a couple of minutes. I mean, we are built to be connected to nature. So if you feel connected to nature like I do, that's why we're we're built for it. And sometimes a little fresh air, a little walk is all you need. Closing your eyes, letting your shoulders drop. You may have even seen that. I've not been closing my eyes, but I've been consciously trying to let my shoulders drop. You know, I just bought, speaking of little things, a little like neck massager thing that's electrically chargeable because I feel so much tension in my neck. And it's not a substitute for like human hands or a massage, but it's nice to be able to have the meat and that that to do it to just, you know, kind of take us down, take take me down a notch with the stress. So those are some things, you know, they don't look like much much, but they really do help calm your nervous system, and that's important.

SPEAKER_00 43:14

Yeah, we have the tiny comforts. Uh drinking coffee or tea without multitasking. I mean, all just sitting with my cup of coffee just brings a peace onto me. Sitting down instead of eating on the go. Hmm. Okay. Wrapping up in a blanket for a few minutes, turning on the music that actually matches your mood. I mean, these are all really just simple things.

SPEAKER_01 43:43

Yeah, they are simple. Something that's good for me to do as well. I like to write stuff down, get it out of my head, get it on paper so that I can check it off or just be able to move on to the next thing without thinking, oh my gosh, am I gonna forget it? I think that's a big thing, too. Journaling is is is a Big deal. You know, saying that I'll come back to this later and try instead of trying to solve everything now. I think that's important too, but also equally important is coming back to it later and solving it. You know, not just saying you're going to do it, but actually doing it. And then let one thing go undone on purpose. Let it go. I think that's, I think that's a big one. And that's one that I would like to continue to work on. You know, I get these grand lists sometimes. And I think that I just want to look at it and be like, well, even earlier today, I actually can vouch and say earlier today I did that. I was like, I should handle this. And then I thought, no, it does not need handled right this second. What I actually need more is a nap. And so I did that instead. You know, it'll lighten the load of feeling like you have 47 different tabs open in your maybe 40.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

Then you have 46. So that's good.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

Hey, it's one less.

SPEAKER_00 44:57

Right. Also, texting one safe person, just, you know, hey, and just kind of touch base with somebody who feels safe. Sitting near someone without needing to talk. I love that. And letting someone help you, even in a small way. And you don't have to carry everything alone because I think a lot of times that's where the lonely loneliness sets in.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

Absolutely. And you know, I have read this, and I'm sure it's not just where I saw it, but I did see it in an Alzheimer's uh like caregiver online thing forum. And there was a man whose wife has the disease my mom has, but she is able to walk and st and all of those things still, which is great for her. And so he still takes her out on walks. And I'll I don't know why it's really stood out to me that movement is medicine. So that's what we're talking about next: movement. So walk around the block, just get up, stretch your arms, stretch your back. Stretching is so important. Yoga is so helpful. Even, you know, the doctors will tell you that stretch, do something. It's good for the mind and for the body. Even just standing up and walking around for a minute. You know, at my job, a lot of us, I'm, you know, I'm sitting half the time, I'm standing half the time, but I do like to, you know, just get up and walk. We all like to just just get up and walk for a minute and I don't know, just, you know, ooh, get it all out, whatever you need to, just get up and move. Movement is medicine. It releases what stress might hold on to.

Anchor Deeper And Hold The Heavy

SPEAKER_00 46:25

Yeah, you know, sometimes just listening to something that inspires you, reminding yourself I'm doing a lot, and it's okay to pause noticing something good, even if it's small. And it's not what will fix everything. It's what gives me 5% back right now. Because those small 5% moments, they add up. Yeah, they sure do.

SPEAKER_01 46:51

You know, something else we should probably talk about is, you know, anchor yourself in something deeper. Whatever your faith may be, it could be that. Um, you know, it's something that really makes you feel like you are connected. That uh, you know, the the reason I like the symbol of the anchor is it it does remind me of of the Lord, uh, but it reminds me, you know, that that we're anchored no matter how rough things get. And even if I don't feel it, I know, I know that he's there. So for me, I love the symbol of the anchor for that. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 47:24

That's so visual. And, you know, everything else can shift. Life, people, circumstances, and if your anchor is in something that is that moves, you're going to feel it. That's why faith matters, not because life gets easier, but because you have something that doesn't move when everything else is.

SPEAKER_01 47:47

Yeah, I promise you, I don't think it's gonna get easier. You know, sorry, I'll be the bearer of bad news there, but that's why you have to have something to hold on to. Um, another thing, and I do say this to myself all the time, this season won't last. And now let me tell you it in the way that I say it. There is uh an author, Trisha Lott Willeford, who said something in one of her books that are fan phenomenal that has never left me. And it was the best days and the worst days only last 24 hours. And that is something that always makes me stop and think. If I'm loving the day, hang on to it. He'll be gone before you know it. And if it's rough, just know that it gets better the next day. So, you know, the season won't last forever. Something I tell myself all the time, remind myself that, and it helps me to come back to reality and to keep pushing myself forward. It's powerful.

SPEAKER_00 48:42

Yeah, everything is a season, and I tell myself that all the time. It could feel heavy right now, it could feel like a lot, but it won't always be this way. And when you go back to your why, it gives you just enough strength to keep going. There are times I have nothing left, and I find it in me to remember, you know, the why. Sometimes it just takes everything in me just to move forward. But I do have to remember why.

SPEAKER_01 49:12

Yeah, your why will keep you going. It's done that for me many times. If you're in a season like this where your life is full, but you feel stretched, tired, even alone, you're not doing it wrong. You're just carrying a lot.

SPEAKER_00 49:25

And there's a way to keep going. Not perfectly, but with more awareness, more support, and more grace.

SPEAKER_01 49:33

And if we're being honest, the conversation doesn't end here because we talked about it today. It's only part of it.

SPEAKER_00 49:40

It happens when you finally say, I can't do this alone anymore. Something shifts. Not because everything changes overnight, but because you do. You stop pretending that you're okay when you're not. You make space for support, you make space for connection, and for the first time you allow yourself to be seen because people can't support what they don't understand until you give them the chance to.

SPEAKER_01 50:05

And what support really looks like when you actually let people in, not fixing everything, not having all the answers, but simply not carrying it alone anymore.

SPEAKER_00 50:16

Because the truth is, you were never meant to carry all of this by yourself. And I think that's what brings us all the way back to that room, that moment that stopped you, Tina, because what you felt there wasn't just grief. It was love that stayed, it was faith that held, it was people who showed up and didn't walk away from each other in the hardest moments. Because what made that different wasn't that their lives were easy. It wasn't that they didn't carry it alone. There was a steadiness in that room, a piece that didn't make sense because it wasn't built on circumstances, it was built on something much deeper.

SPEAKER_01 50:57

Mm-hmm. I think that's what we've been talking about this whole time. What happens when life gets heavy, when the days feel full, but you feel empty, when you're carrying more than anyone else can see. So maybe that's the takeaway. Life's not going to get easier, the weight doesn't disappear, but you don't have to hold it by yourself anymore. Because at the end of the day, when I felt what I felt in that room, the kind of love, faith, and community, that's what matters. And it's something that I don't think I'll forget.

SPEAKER_00 51:31

And that's so beautiful, Tina. I'm so glad you got to experience that and carry that with you for the rest of your life. I don't even know how to end this because this has been it, this is just a perfect place, I think, to end. I think we should just stop here. So let's hold the heavy for each other. Let's experience the joy that that man felt in his last moments. Remember that there is purpose in the pain and there is hope in the journey.

SPEAKER_01 51:59

And as usual, we will see you next time on Real Talk with Tina and Anne. Thanks for joining us.