Sextortion And Kids: A Calm Parent Response Can Save A Life

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Ann. I am Tina. And I am Anne. Well, we have a really important episode for you today, very relevant. And I want to start out being honest. When I first heard about sex tortion, yes, that's what we're talking about today. I felt like I had no idea what it was. I felt very underprepared to have the talk with my children. I felt overwhelmed, angry then, and afraid, afraid for them because we're such a connected world. And not just for my boys, but for kids that are navigating screens without knowing what could be out there. They're naive, you know? But instead of sitting in fear, I want to be informed. And so I decided to get informed so that I can be able to tell my kids and others about it. And that's why we've chosen this topic for today's episode.

What Sextortion Looks Like

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Yeah, and that's exactly why we are having this conversation. This isn't a fear-based episode. This is an awareness episode because avoiding this topic doesn't protect our kids. It isolates them and can put them in danger. What's happening right now is not rare. It's happening to kids who didn't think that they were doing something wrong. Just talking, just trusting. So today we're going to slow this down, understand it, and talk about how we stay connected to our kids when it matters the most. So let's define what sextortion actually is because I think a lot of people have heard the word, but don't fully understand how fast and calculated this really is.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I think that's the key, is how fast it moves. So sextortion, that's a hard word to say. It's when someone manipulates, I would say, mostly a young person, and pressures them into sending private images. So images that uh you shouldn't be sending. Nobody should be sending these anyway. But uh what happens is they they get the trust really quickly of the person involved. Then they manipulate them, pressure them into sending something uh that is inappropriate, and then they threaten them, they blackmail them, and they tell them that if they don't want anyone else to see it and don't do what they say, that it's gonna be sent to everyone. Usually it's for money. If you don't send me this amount of money, they're going to send it to everyone. It's gonna be posted publicly. And then what happens is, you know, this is not usually a mistake that kids are making in isolation. This is something that is being done to them very intentionally. Okay. And it happens really fast.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Wow. Yeah, it's so scary. And right now, one of the biggest shifts that we're seeing is who is being targeted. This is heavily impacting boys, especially ages 11 to 17. And I honestly, I also want to include just kids that are vulnerable, kids that are vulnerable. And I think that surprises a lot of people because we've historically had different conversations around online safety. I know I do with my kids, but boys and you know, sometimes girls, but it does predominantly impact boys. Uh, they're being targeted because they're often more likely to respond quickly, trust faster in these situations, and feel intense pressure not to talk about it afterward, to be silenced.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Well, the way it starts is what makes it so dangerous because it doesn't feel dangerous at first. It usually begins with a fake account, and then someone who looks like a real teenager, a lot like catfishing, if you've seen those episodes, attractive, friendly, normal. They start with conversation, they build quick connection, sometimes even using flattery. And then there's urgency, and it moves so fast before a kid even has time to think, to process, to question what's happening. They're already in it, and they don't even realize it.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

And then everything shifts. I mean, the moment an image is shared, the tone changes instantly. Now it becomes a demand cycle. Send money, send more images, or I send this to everyone that you know, and it doesn't stop. That's the part that parents need to understand. This isn't a one-time threat. It's ongoing. It's it escalates, and kids feel trapped almost immediately.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

So I think some things we should talk about here is maybe some real life ways that we can kind of help with this. And we're going to talk first about uh we'll talk first about a few questions. So why are boys targeted so heavily right now? We did address that. How quickly this escalates once an image is shared? That's the scariest part. Are these usually peers or organized crime or both? And the answer is both.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

Yeah. What is a psychological tactic being used here? Because this feels deeper than just manipulation. Is this grooming? Is it coercion and power? Or is it something more calculated that's designed to trap kids before they even realize what's happening? I mean, abusers go after the most vulnerable and people that they feel that they can silence.

SPEAKER_01 5:20

What makes this terrifying to me isn't just the act, it's the shame. Okay. Kids think their life is over if they do this. You know, if they accidentally, they made a mistake. They sent the image, an inappropriate image, and now the shame kicks in. And that's where it gets scariest.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Yeah. And what shame happens, I mean, it just goes through this big spiral and it makes them feel worse, which makes them feel not able to talk about it. So, you know, that's the part that keeps hitting me is why does shame silence teens so quickly? Why does it make them feel like there's no way out, even when there is, and probably because they are kids. I mean, that can happen because they're kids, but I know that adults can feel this way as well. You know, you can just feel trapped.

Why Boys Get Targeted

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Absolutely. It's a hard feeling to get over and to deal with. And especially at that age that these boys in particular are being targeted, their brains aren't fully developed yet. And again, the speed at which this happens, I think is what takes them by surprise. So if a child comes to a parent, what might be then the first thing that a parent should say? Um, I pulled this directly from guidance aligned with the FBI and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. So it is accurate and grounded in what actually helps. If a child is being sexorted, there are a few critical steps that need to happen immediately. First, don't pay. Don't pay anything. It feels like paying is going to make it stop, but in most cases, it actually makes things worse. The person now knows they can get something, and the demands will usually continue.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

And second, stop all communication. Don't negotiate, don't respond. These individuals rely on fear and urgency to keep the conversation going.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

The next thing that is recommended from the FBI is preserve everything. It may feel natural to want to delete everything, but that is a mistake. You want to save the screenshots, the usernames, the messages, the payment requests. Even though the instinct is to make it disappear, get rid of it. That evidence is what law enforcement uses to track and stop the person responsible.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

I would also, you know, be really proud of your child if they shared this with you, because I mean that would be humiliating. So it would be really a moment between you and your child if they do come to you and share this with you.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

And hopefully they do, because that that's something we've tried so hard is to have that open communication here. We tell our boys all the time mistakes mean you're learning. You'll never be in trouble for telling the truth.

unknown 8:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

And we're going to get to that in a bit as well.

SPEAKER_00 8:09

The next thing is report it immediately. You have to report it to the FBI at FBI.gov or through the Cybertip line at NCMEC. These organizations handle these cases every single day and can move quickly to intervene.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

You know what makes me sad is hearing every single day they handle these cases. Uh I it it's just it's overwhelming and it hurts my heart. Uh, there are several cases you can read about where this has happened locally, and parents are now trying to speak out in hopes that their unfortunate incident where their son committed suicide over sex tortion will help save someone else. And just as important as anything else, get emotional support around your child or the child who comes to you immediately because what they are feeling in that moment is fear, shame, isolation. And that emotional response is often what puts them at the highest risk. Okay. They need to hear in very clearly, you're not in trouble, you're not alone. We are going to handle this together.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

I do think, and we've had a couple of people on this show that really talk about a safe place in our homes where kids can talk to us about everything. And there it's a no-judgment zone, no consequence zone. And that opens the door for them to feel safe telling us everything.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

So the way I see it is a calm parental response is one of the most important factors in how this situation unfolds. I truly think it can save a life. In that moment, the child's already in a heightened state of fear. Their brain is in survival mode. They're not thinking clearly, they're just thinking, my life is over. Everyone's gonna see this. If a parent reacts with anger and punishment, it confirms those worst fears of theirs, which is, I'm in trouble. I made this worse, I can't fix this. But if you can stay calm as a parent or someone who is uh in that inner circle of a child that comes to you, even if they're scared internally, if you can be calm, it sends a completely different message. It tells them that they are safe. We can handle this, you're not alone. And that calm response doesn't just comfort the child, it actually helps regulate their nervous system. And so that way they can think clearly and take the next steps. In many cases, it's the difference between a child shutting down or opening up. And again, I truly think being calm and supportive and letting them know their life isn't over will save their life.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

Yeah, it's critical. The child is already overwhelmed and scared. And if a parent reacts with anger, which I mean, that could be the internally how we might feel at the moment. We might just want to act out in anger, but they need to feel our calm. It increases shame when we act out in anger and can shut down communication immediately. A calm response tells the child that you're safe. We can fix this together, and that's what allows them to stay engaged in order to get help.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

So remember that first reaction, it's not just emotional. It actually determines whether the child keeps talking or goes silent. It is absolutely critical.

Shame Turns Fear Into Silence

SPEAKER_00 11:39

And on the flip side of that, what happens if a parent reacts in anger? Because that reaction can reinforce the shame that they're already feeling. Instead of coming closer, kids are going to pull back, they stop talking, they try to handle it alone. And in situations like this, silence is where it becomes the most dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

I think a lot of parents don't realize that reaction doesn't just stay in that moment either. It has far-reaching effects. It reinforces everything that the child is already feeling the fear, the shame, the belief that they've done something so wrong, they're now alone in it. And when that happens, kids don't come closer, they pull back, they start deleting things, stop talking, they try to fix it on their own, or worse, they just sit in it. And so what feels like a natural reaction as a parent, and no, we're really driving this home. Frustration, fear, even anger actually pushes that child deeper into silence. In a situation like this, silence is where it becomes the most dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

I really want my kids to be heard and validated. And I think that that's, you know, the key thing. Being heard is really important. And just allowing them to have that space and allowing them to feel validated because you want them to know that we believe them and that we are there for them.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Absolutely. We're big on role-playing in our house. And so I when I actually first heard about sex tortion, which really truthfully wasn't that long ago. It was late last year. And I went, I just remember that. What? What is that? And so that's what caused me to dive into it. And, you know, a friend of mine was telling me how important it is to have that conversation. And so just recently, within the last month, uh, something came up in our home with our two older boys, where it opened the door to have this conversation. And I feel like I did a pretty good job with it. And so that leads me to what we tell kids before something happens so they feel safe telling us is important. I think this is where everything shifts because what we say before something happens determines whether they come to us after. And in our case, we got to open that door and talk about this. I told them exactly what it was called. I explained exactly what happens because as they're playing video games, I have a lot of things turned off, but I have to have some things turn off, turned on, or I choose to so that they can play the game with their friends. And so I I try to, I've tried to make very clear that if anyone asks you to do anything like this, don't. But if you make a mistake, you let me know immediately. If someone says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, you tell me right away, you will not be in trouble. I just want to know because I want to protect you.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Yeah, we have the same situation and we absolut we actually place their gaming room adjacent to our room where we hang out most of the time in the evenings because I want to hear what's happening. And I've got two special needs, or well, three special needs kids, but two that are playing our gaming. And uh they yeah, one specifically, he has the headphones, he has all the things, and I said, Okay, you can talk to your friends. He had a list of people, he accepted those people, it was okay. I also have a notification on my my PC, and things come in through that, and he got this really weird one. It came right over my PC, and I went, Okay, I don't recognize that person. And I went right in there and I said, Who is this? And he said, Oh, he's 11. And I'm like, Okay, well, we don't know him. So I grabbed his headphones and I put them on and I said, How old are you? And I heard this gruff man go, 11. No. Oh no, you're not. And he said, I'm 11. And I went, mm, no, goodbye. And so I had my son delete him completely. And I even thought afterward, you know what? I should have probably reported him. Um, but I deleted everything, and then I ended up having to take the mic and things away from my son for now because he just needs monitored too much. But that kind of stuff, I mean, you just don't realize how fast it can happen.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

That's the scary part about it. But now I know that you'll be even more prepared if there is, and I hope there's not, another time where you have to step in. Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah. I mean, we have to do it. We have, and that's our job, but you also want to give them the freedom too. You don't want them to feel, and we are going to talk about that a little bit later, but you just you want them to have the freedom, but also we have to watch at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

Yeah, we live in a in a beautiful but also terrifying world.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

I want to add to what Tina was talking about earlier with kids don't need a perfect speech. They just need consistent, clear messages that let them know nothing that they do will cost them our connection. Nothing.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Nothing. No, that's uh so important. All of this is so important. If you're thinking, well, what does that sound like? We're here to help you. Maybe it would sound like this you will never be in trouble for telling me the truth. That's something we say in our house. If something ever happens online that makes you uncomfortable, scared, confused, I want to be the first person you come to. I've said something very similar to that.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Yeah.

The Immediate Steps To Take

SPEAKER_01 17:27

And then there's nothing you could do that we can't figure out together. Makes them feel like they have someone in their corner. And I think it's also important we say the part that a lot of us might skip. And this is I touched on this a few minutes ago. Even if you made a mistake, I care more about your safety than the mistake or how I would phrase it with my kids. There's nothing that you could do that would change my love for you. And so if you made a mistake, we learn from our mistakes. Let's talk about it and let's fix it together. You know, at the end of the day, if we believe, or I should say, if they believe that the consequence is worse than the situation, they won't come to us. And we don't want that. But if they believe that we are their safest place, and in this ever-changing, a lot of the time crazy world, that's what they need. So if they believe we are their safest place, we become their first call and not their last resort.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

You know, I I loved those. Oh my gosh, I'm gonna use some of those phrases that you just talked about with my kids. Um, another thing that I want to add to that is I started doing these open-ended questions, especially when my son comes home or whenever he's doing really anything and we come back together. And instead of saying, well, how'd it go? Fine. Are you how are how are you? Good. And then we move on. You know, I mean, that's what these these kids do. So it's like, well, what was what is the most challenging thing that you're dealing with right now? And so I did that, and it worked. I mean, I don't know. It was like I pushed a button on him and he just started talking and he went from fine to giving me full paragraphs. What what is the best time? What is the best thing that you're going through during the day? What is the most fun thing that happened to you today? And what is the hardest? And I'm telling you what, I am getting full paragraphs.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

I love that. I need to do that. I need to be more intentional when my kids get home. They they all three get home at different times because of their varying ages, and there's so much going on. And I have a very early working job. So by the time they get home, I'm really starting to start to drag already. And I need to be more intentional because I do get a lot of those same answers, and then they want to run off and be on electronics, which we have timers on and control over. However, I still want to make that connection.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

That's really yeah, yeah. It 100% works. I promise. Because I've got tough kids to crack and it works.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Oh, that's that is so good. I can't wait to try it and report back how good it worked for me too. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

And, you know, when they talk to me, I just want them to know for sure that they are not in trouble for telling me the truth. Like you were saying, Tina. And if something feels off, come to me first. Because, you know, even kids, when they when we were little, you know, there's an instinct in us. And I wish that I would have reacted sooner to some of those instincts. And I want to teach that in them. If something feels off and to follow your instinct, you know, come to me, tell me about it. We'll figure it out together. Because if they fear our reaction more than the situation, then they won't come. And I know my one son, for one thing, he will not tell me something if he thinks I'm gonna be upset. So I always try to make it, you know, we want to be welcoming uh to them. But if they trust us, we become their first call.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Absolutely. Well, I want to talk a little bit about prevention. And, you know, there have been some big things in the news lately regarding social media and how they're made to be addicting to kids. And so I want to talk about Instagram. Now, this is not a, oh, it it cures everything, but I guess at least it's something. So Instagram rolled out new parental supervision alerts just a couple weeks ago that if teens repeatedly search suicide related items, their parent will get a notification. So what they're doing is part of the uh family center supervision tool. And it's designed to give parents more visibility into patterns of their kids' behavior, not individual private. Messages. So in this case, if a teen repeatedly searches for or engages with content related to suicide or self-harm, the platform can trigger a notification to a parent who has supervision set up. You have to have this set up in the app. It's important to understand what this does and what this does not do. It does alert a parent to concerning patterns, but it does not give parents access to private conversations or specific search details. So the goal here from Instagram is to flag a risk while still maintaining some level of teen privacy. Now, to use it, both the parent and the teen have to opt into supervision through Instagram's family center. And the teen has to accept that connection. I'm just going to go out and say you grab the teen's phone and you turn it on yourself for them if they're unwilling. Because if they're unwilling, that already tells me maybe there could be a problem. That's just the way I think. But this is not a prevention tool in the sense of stopping something before it starts. It's more of like an early warning system. It tells you something might be off. Pay attention, start a conversation. And how a parent responds to that really matters just as much as the alert itself.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Exactly. My friend's school, and I'm sure other schools do this as well, but all the kids get Chromebooks. And along with that comes an alert system, and it goes directly to the administration, the people in the school, letting them know that this kid looked up suicide or, you know, how to, or um, some of these other things that we're talking about today. And it gets flagged, immediately gets flagged. Everybody in the school, the administration, they get this flag. This kid looked it up. And so then the parents get involved and they bring the kid in and then they start talking to the kid to see what was going on with them. But I think that that's a great idea.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

I do too. And honestly, I did not know that. I did not know that. So hopefully that is a district-wide thing. Or yeah, all school districts do that when they give Chromebooks out. But I would absolutely say if you're like, oh my gosh, does my district do that? I would ask your building principal or superintendent and uh make sure that everything is okay there. I I absolutely love that. I think that the more we can protect them and be in the know. I mean, it's not making any excuses. Life can get busy and work can get busy for some people. And as your child grows up into being a teenager, sometimes that communication can kind of fall by the wayside. But that's the time where it's actually probably most critical. And so I love that there is a way for the school to even help out. It takes a village.

SPEAKER_00 24:59

So it's not about surveillance, it's about awareness and starting the right conversation early. This is scary. I mean, this is really scary. So we need to treat it like that. It's so different than when I went to school. And when you went to school, of course, our parents would have been worried about people that we dated, or maybe if somebody was following us or something. But I mean, it's different because these are things that are happening on the screens where we can't see it. It's it's just a different world that we live in. Internet has brought a whole different fear to um with our children.

Staying Calm So They Keep Talking

SPEAKER_01 25:39

Oh, yeah, they it certainly has. It's um sometimes it's just really overwhelming. And I really want to do whatever I can to protect them. And I feel like a lot of the time I get, mom, I know. And I mean, I didn't realize I was raising geniuses so young, but yet I'm still going to have those conversations because then they'll hear mom when you know, when maybe it will make them stop and think if they're approached. And I hope that they're not. I I wish, you know, right. I wish we didn't have to worry about this. I wish we didn't have to have active shooter drills in school. I wish, I wish, I wish. Times are so different, like you said, from when we were in school. I cannot imagine, even for a second, what it is like to be a kid in this digital era where virtually everything is recorded and put somewhere. Case in point, there was a fight uh at one of my kids' schools, and the video was being sent around and it made for a good conversation with my son that no, he didn't take the video, but you know what he did do? He sent it to someone else. And I said, here's the thing you you can't control that that video was sent to you. I get it. I wish you wouldn't have watched it, okay, but you did. What you did after that, I think is where the problem is. And I said, if this happens again and you know that it's something that's not good, you you stop it. You stop the wildfire. You don't send it out to anybody else. Okay. Again, can't control that it was sent to you, and I get that, but we aren't gonna share it and spread it around anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

Did you ask him how he would feel as if it, you know, sending videos of him around?

SPEAKER_01 27:27

I did. That's that's the example that I used, and that's when it clicked with him. And he apologized. He felt bad, he nearly was in tears about it because he just didn't think about it. You know, he thought, well, if this good friend of mine sent it to me, I might as well I might it must be okay to send on to someone else, you know. Yeah. At the time, it's an 11-year-old brain at the time. And uh, what are you gonna do? But that's that's how you learn. And I'm I'm glad that he came to me, even though it was like a month later. I am glad that uh we we got to have that conversation because yeah, it's a hard one to have. And, you know, do I wish that you would have known that was wrong from the start? I do, but it's a teachable moment. And like I said, mistakes mean we're learning. So why don't we talk about? I'm getting back into sex tortion, where that's what we're talking about today here on Real Talk with Tina and Ann. Okay, so if tools alone aren't the solution, then what actually helps parents stay aware? Because awareness doesn't mean watching everything your child does, it means staying connected enough that you notice when something shifts. So here are a few practical ways to do that without turning your home home into a surveillance system. Uh, first thing, make online life a normal conversation. So don't wait for something to go wrong. Ask simple, regular questions like, who do you like talking to online right now? Or what's something funny you saw today? Those open-ended questions like you were talking about, Ian. Or, you know, stopping and saying, has anything online ever made you uncomfortable? And, you know, maybe their answer will surprise you. Maybe they'll tell you, like, oh, it made me really uncomfortable when I watched the video of this guy puking, you know, in some, you know, silly uh video where they're being dared. You know, one of my kids was talking about how being dared to do silly things that he's seen in videos. He's like, I don't understand why someone would do that. He's like, I'm not gonna do a dare if the outcome is this or that. And I thought, oh, okay, well, that's great. However, when you're surrounded by a lot of people who are like, do it, do it, you have to be strong enough to say, no, I'm not doing it. You didn't say you do it. They're not gonna do it because they know this is what I tell them. If you're being dared, it's probably something that you shouldn't do. Okay. I said, if someone's like, drink toilet water, you probably shouldn't do that. Okay. So if we only ask questions when we're worried, kids are gonna feel that they're smarter than we think. Not geniuses, but they're smarter than we think. But if it's normal and you ask questions just out of the blue, here and there, somewhat frequently, that'll help them stay open.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Awareness isn't just about devices, it's about your child. Are they suddenly quieter? I mean, that would be a red flag. Are they more anxious? Are they guarding their phone? Are they upset, but they won't say why? Those shifts matter more than any app ever will.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Absolutely. Okay, so we're talking here on Real Talk with Tina and Anne about um, if tools alone aren't the solution, okay, what can we do without turning our home into a surveillance system? And the first thing we said was make online life a normal conversation, not waiting for something to go wrong, asking simple, regular questions. Anne was just talking about watching for behavior changes, not just screens, and that is so vital. The next thing, especially for younger kids, is keeping devices in shared spaces. It's not about control, it's about proximity. When devices are used in open areas, you naturally stay more aware without having to check everything. It creates visibility without confrontation. And I'm really happy with my kids because they all, it's it's really funny. They could all be fighting. And then when it's screen time, they all want to be together. And usually, uh nine times out of ten, it is in an area where I can also hear what's happening. They're not typically going behind closed doors or anything like that. And so that does bring me some comfort because it goes back to what you said. You need to watch what is be changing in them. If there are behavior changes, that's a big sign that something is amiss.

SPEAKER_00 31:56

Yeah. I mean, and when you hear it, you can get ahead of it before it turns into anything. Yep. Yeah, even the open-ended questions.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 32:05

Yeah, I really like those. And be really clear on this one. No one should ever ask you to keep secrets from me online. If someone pressures you, that's not your fault, but you need to tell me. If somebody wants you to keep a secret, period, there's a problem. Kids need permission ahead of time to break secrecy.

Scripts And Questions That Work

SPEAKER_01 32:31

That's really good. No one should ever ask you to keep secrets from me online. It's probably good to say no one should ever ask you to keep secrets from me, period, unless it's about a birthday surprise, you know, or a mother's day. You know, those are those secrets are okay. But the other ones, yeah, secrets are mm-mm. And I love that one of my kids has a teacher who says, we don't do secrets here. She does not like secrets. And so I love that that she teaches that to all of the kids and the importance of that. Okay, so here on Real Talk with Tina and Ann, we're talking about practical ways to turn your home uh into not a surveillance system, but into something where you're more tuned in and connected with your kiddos. And we've talked about the first four things which make online life a normal conversation. Watch for behavior changes, keep your devices in shared spaces, especially for the younger kids, and set the tone early. No secrets, only safety. Now, the last thing we want to talk about in that category is using tech tools as support, not replacement. So that goes back to the uh Instagram controls, parental controls we were talking about. Parental controls, supervision tools, and alerts, they're very helpful, but they're not the relationship. That's where it all starts. It's the the actual relationship between you and your child. They can tell you something is wrong, but they can't replace the moment. Um, when I say they can tell you it's wrong, it's those alerts that we're talking about, but they're not going to be able to replace those moments where your child chooses to come to you. So you want to make sure that you keep that communication 100% open with them. Stay connected because as they're connected to the digital world, you need to be connected to them while they're in that space and beyond.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Yeah. Do do tools like this actually prevent harm? Or are they mostly reacting after something has already started?

SPEAKER_01 34:31

Yeah, those are good questions to think about. And I'm hoping that we're giving you some answers here, some guidance, some direction on how to handle that, because how a parent approaches their child, if they receive uh some of those alerts, uh, is going to be really around the same ways that we talked about earlier with sex tortion. Keep it calm, keep it open, and ask those open-ended questions. So wanna bring some maybe connection to this. So if emotional memory is strong and shame is dangerous, then connection is everything. I think that's the point that we're really trying to make here. I want to just reflect for a minute. And, you know, I don't want my boys to fear me more than they fear the internet. You know, I want them to be aware of what could be out there. Well, I don't really want them to have to be, but since they have to be, I want them to be aware and I want them to know that no matter what, you can come to me. And I really hope you do, because I feel like my husband and I have done a really good job of, and I know you have too, about being open and having that communication. And the relationship is more important than anything that they could tell me. And if you tell me something that's the truth, you know, if you tell me you're in trouble, it's not going to change the way I feel feel about you. I want to work it out with you together. And um, I think that that's that's I I just as I was reflecting that that's what I was coming back to. I don't want my boys to fear me more than they fear the internet. So my calmness is going to be vital if we have a situation that we need to address involving this or really anything.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Yeah. The world can speak louder than we can. And that's what I think we need to make sure is happening is that we, as parents, are speaking louder than the world. I think that that is very critical. Uh it it's everything for us to be louder than and they not be afraid of us more than they are of the other thing. So, uh, because what does a shame-free house actually sound like? A lot of us were raised where mistakes came with consequences first and understanding second. I'm very aware of that one. So kids learn to hide instead of come forward. But if we want something different, we have to build something different. And it sounds like I care more about your safety than your mistake, but you will never be in trouble for telling me the truth, like Tina was talking about. Because if a child believes that they're going to lose your love, they will protect themselves by staying quiet. And silence is where this becomes dangerous. And we really don't want that to happen.

Alerts, School Tools, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 37:23

No, no. Our our children are little babies. They're they're so important. And it doesn't matter their age, we're never going to stop loving them. And we always want them to be able to know that we're an open door and they can come to us. So our hope is that as we've been talking about these things over the episode, that you realize it's not about panic, it's about presence, it's about being prepared. We can't eliminate every risk online, but we can build homes where our kids come to us first because it starts with connections. So want to kind of go over one more time some of the things that we talked about that I thought were so vital in helping parents kind of get an edge, if you will, on okay, you know, help me be prepared, help me be able to talk to my kids about this. And, you know, what are some ways that I can be connected? And so I want to go back to what we had talked about early on. And I I know we've been driving it home. Stay calm, not angry. That's huge. Okay. Um, let's get back into the exact topic of sex dorm and critical steps that need to happen immediately. Remember, do not pay if you're asked to do that. That's the first thing. Next, you want to stop all communication. The third thing is, and this one's probably the hardest for a lot of people, you do want to preserve everything. Don't delete anything. You need all of that so that law enforcement can use it to track and stop the person responsible. Then after that, you have your documentation. You need to report it immediately to law enforcement, tips.fbi.gov or through the cyber tip line at N C M E C. And just as important as anything else, you need to get emotional support around your child immediately. Remember that calm parental response is the most important factor in how the situation unfolds. They're already in a heightened state of fear, their brain is in survival mode, they're not thinking clearly, they think their life is over, everyone's gonna see this. You need to make them feel it is your job to make them feel that they are not isolated, that they are going to get through this. The other things that we want to really drive home is remember, some of these social media platforms, they do have tools that you can use where you can get some alerts about what your child is searching up. Go to the privacy settings. There are specific details, especially in Instagram, that you and your child can agree to so that you can have a better idea if something they're searching for is harmful. And we're gonna drive this point home again, one more time. A few practical ways that you can stay connected, okay, when you notice something shifts, but your whole home doesn't feel like they're being watched, okay? Like it's this big surveillance system. You wanna make sure that you make online life a normal conversation. Ann had some really great open-ended questions that we could ask, you know, simple regular questions like, who do you like talking to online right now? Or, you know, even like Ann said, what's the biggest challenge that you're facing? Or did anything make you feel uncomfortable that you saw on the internet? And maybe it's something as simple as just a silly video that made them uncomfortable. Uh, that maybe they watched a natural disaster, but maybe, you know, it was someone that reached out to them and made them uncomfortable. And you wouldn't know if you didn't ask. I think this is the biggest one watching for behavior changes. Let's be more in tune with our children than we are to our phones. Okay. Let's let's do that for them. Pay attention to them because you're setting an example too. We also talked about keeping devices in shared spaces, especially for the younger kids. I love that my kids are doing that, not here to say they're perfect, they're not. I just love that naturally they're doing that. If that were to change, then I would be going back to the previous one that we just talked about and why that shift in behavior. You know, what are you hiding? I wouldn't say it like that though. Uh, you want to make sure that you are really clear on setting the tone. No secrets, just safety. You know, we love you too much to let anything happen to you. Let's talk. I mean, communication is vital for any relationship, any at all. And then one of the last things that we had talked about was using tech tools as support, not replacement. Again, that goes to back to parental controls, supervision tools, alerts, uh, things like that. They are helpful, but they are not going to outdo the relationship. So again, connection, connection, connection, calm, calm, calm, caring, caring, caring. Oh, I'm getting somewhere. It's all the C's. A lot of C's. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:19

I want to add a few things before we close here because uh it really got me thinking while you were talking, Tina, that, you know, it's just unbelievable what the kids are actually having to face. We didn't even really, I know, I did I was outside playing in the dirt and with worms and whatever, you know. I mean, these kids are more inside. They are not playing outside as much. They're not just playing kick the can and all that stuff outside. They are on their devices and it they're exposed to so many things much more than we were. I didn't even know about these things when I was that old, you know? I mean, I do. We were just so much more innocent. These kids are not innocent. My nine-year-old is saying things that's just blowing me away, and it's just like, wait a second, because it's also YouTube, and that's also a spiral. You think it's like a really clean video, they're watching unspeakable because it, you know, which leads to one, which leads to another, which leads to another, and here they are, they're watching things that they don't even understand. And I'll even say to him, Do you even know what that means? What you just said to me, and he says, No, but he'll say it, and it's just really scary what these kids are exposed to now, which allows them to have be exposed to others more, and that is where our fear is. And I also wanted to say this because I do know some kids that have some things that were pretty similar, and uh when the law enforcement does get involved and they come in to your home or they invite you. To another location where, you know, it's like a play therapy, and the law enforcement are behind a glass, and they have a counselor there that's playing with the child and trying to make it as easy as possible for the kid to say everything that they need to to get the information out. One of the first things that you don't want to do is coach them. You don't want to put the information into their head about what happened or what they should say. That's really, really important. Let the law enforcement do that. So it's okay for you to ask the kids open-ended questions and get information from them, but don't lead the questions. So, you know, you are getting the answers that you want because that will mess with what they say when they actually do talk to law enforcement and prepare them to be able to talk to law enforcement because it can be scary. And as much as we try to allow law enforcement to be the good guy, you know, they watch a lot of videos and things like that again. And we have to make sure that they feel loving and caring and open and transparent and okay and safe in order to talk to law enforcement because they're going to be talking about things that they're uncomfortable with. And for them to do that and be okay with doing that, just be open with everybody that's, you know, asking them questions because it really is detrimental to the case. And once they do come to you and you go to a police officer and you let them know that this is happening, it is an open case. And you have to realize that that's what's happened. And you have all of a sudden invited all of these other people into your home that you haven't realized that, you know, you didn't expect. But it is really important. If you want the person on the other end that has hurt your child, if you want them to get what they deserve, if you want them to get caught, you do need to do these things. And it's okay to do these things. And it's also okay to let your child know that just because a police officer is sitting across from you and you're saying that you saw these things, that you looked at these things, or you, you know, whatever the participation was, that you're not in trouble. You're not in trouble. It's okay. You can say these things to the police officer. You're not the one that's being looked at. You can say whatever you need to, and you're not in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 46:36

I think that's so good. And what you had talked about earlier is I think that we need to get more comfortable being uncomfortable, meaning in those uncomfortable conversations, we need to be comfortable having them. They're hard to have, but but we need to be able to do it.

Reporting, Support, And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 46:53

We absolutely do. And if we want them to, then we can't act uncomfortable about it or shocked. I mean, when we do act shocked, and I know inside we might be like, wait, what? But we have to treat it um as if we aren't.

SPEAKER_01 47:10

Absolutely. Well, before we we close, want to just say I think we've been really driving home, having awareness without panic and being prepared without fear, presence without shame. Um, sextortion thrives in secrecy and shame. And the moment you speak, you take that power back. So if this is happening to you or your child, tell someone, get the professionals involved, reach out. You deserve support, not silence.

SPEAKER_00 47:41

Absolutely. And if you're not, yes. I mean, go as far as you need to to get somebody to listen to you. I mean, it is really important. Uh, I just want to say that if your local department isn't doing something, every single local department has detectives that will look into it and they will send you in the right direction and give you the contacts that you need to. And the local county areas when your child has to be interviewed, they will make sure that your child is feeling safe when they go to those places because they will probably have to go someplace to be interviewed.

SPEAKER_01 48:22

You know, just bottom line, keep that communication open, keep it calm, set those security alerts uh whenever you can on the platforms that they're using. Pay attention to changing behaviors. Have that hard conversation if and when it's needed. It's something that could absolutely save their life, change their life. And if something's happened, yes, absolutely. Get them the help and the support that they need. Let them know that they will be okay. They may not be right now, but they will be. You're in it together and you're gonna come out on the other side. And and if you still have any other questions about sex tortion, really Google it. Most people say don't Google, but Google it. You'll end up learning a whole lot. And yes, it can be scary, but also I think that if we are informed, information is power, knowledge is power, and we can pass that on to our kids and protect them. I hate that there are such predators out there. I hope they all get what's coming to them. And I believe one day they will. If not here, then after. In the meantime, let's protect our kids. And uh yeah, let's the more we know, the better off we are.

SPEAKER_00 49:34

Right. And and it could have to open a door to counseling as well, because it is a layer of trauma and they might have to work through it. And there's nothing wrong with that either.

SPEAKER_01 49:44

No, nothing wrong. Getting help is the best thing you can do.

SPEAKER_00 49:48

Yeah, absolutely. What determines the outcome isn't just what happened online. It's whether that child believes that they have a safe place to land. And if we can be that safe place, we don't just respond to the crisis, we interrupt it.

SPEAKER_01 50:02

Yeah, we do. One calm parent can interrupt a shame spiral, makes all the difference. Well, I hope you've learned today that awareness without panic, preparedness without fear, presence without shame, sextortion thrives in secrecy and shame. And the moment you speak, you take your power back. If this is happening to you or your child, tell someone, get the professionals involved, reach out. You deserve support, not silence.

SPEAKER_00 50:27

Thank you so much for joining us. Go to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. Share the episode, go to our YouTube channel. We're doing this journey with you. There is always purpose in the pain, and there is hope in the journey.

SPEAKER_01 50:39

For those of you watching on YouTube and TV, we've included a slideshow next. And for our radio listeners, you can see that on our Facebook page at Real Talk Tina and Anne.

SPEAKER_00 50:49

And for all of our listeners, we will see you next time.