March 4, 2026

The Invisible Hard

Send a text What do you say when a five-year-old whispers, “Can someone take the disease out of grandma?” That tender question anchors a conversation about late-stage Alzheimer’s, new diagnoses for our kids, and the gritty, everyday work of loving people where they are when answers won’t come. We don’t offer platitudes. We tell the truth about layered grief, the soul-tired fatigue of caregiving, and the flickers of connection that still break through — a hand that shakes less when held, a loo...

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Season 4

Send a text

What do you say when a five-year-old whispers, “Can someone take the disease out of grandma?” That tender question anchors a conversation about late-stage Alzheimer’s, new diagnoses for our kids, and the gritty, everyday work of loving people where they are when answers won’t come. We don’t offer platitudes. We tell the truth about layered grief, the soul-tired fatigue of caregiving, and the flickers of connection that still break through — a hand that shakes less when held, a look that says “I know you” for one bright second.

We also open the door to our parenting lives. Diagnosis day hits like an aftershock even when you see it coming. We share how we’re supporting our kids across FASD, autism, ADHD, dysgraphia, and developmental coordination disorder: using speech-to-text to unlock ideas trapped by slow processing, dialing down classroom noise with headphones, matching school environments to nervous systems, and celebrating practical strengths like organization and hands-on work. Inclusion matters, but fit matters more; dignity starts with building the world around the child, not forcing the child to fit the world.

Along the way, we wrestle with advocacy fatigue, broken systems, and the courage it takes to draw hard boundaries. We talk about venting versus processing and the reframes that calm the nervous system: we can’t cure what hurts, but we can honor dignity, hold history, and keep showing up. Small tools help — AI scripts for calmer parenting moments, an ADHD-friendly cleaning checklist, even a vibration plate that shakes anxiety loose. And because the body keeps score, we share how cleaning up our food reduced inflammation and lifted the fog, proving that better inputs can make hard days a little lighter.

Messy is where connection lives. If you’re navigating Alzheimer’s, special needs parenting, or the invisible labor no one sees, you’re not alone here. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with one small tool or reframe that’s helping you keep going — we’d love to hear what’s working for you.

Support the show

@Real Talk with Tina and Ann

Chapters

00:00 - Setting The Table: Heavy Hearts

02:10 - A Child’s Question About Suffering

06:35 - The Thousand Small Goodbyes

12:40 - Saving Voices, Saving Memories

16:40 - Diagnosis Day And Aftershocks

22:00 - Parenting With Scripts And Support

27:05 - Reframing: Venting Versus Processing

33:10 - Boundaries, Advocacy, And Burnout

39:10 - Meeting Kids Where They Learn

45:20 - Bracing And Breaking

51:00 - Invisible Labor And Showing Up

56:40 - Small Tools, Small Wins

Transcript
WEBVTT

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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Ann.

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I am Tina.

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And I am Anne.

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You know, today Tina and I are both, we are going through a lot.

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And so we just decided that we're going to bring it to the air.

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We're just, we're coming as it as we are.

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We're not coming with answers.

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We're just coming.

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And we're coming with honesty.

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Yeah, because what we're learning is life doesn't really give you any time to figure it all out, right?

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And uh no.

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I feel like the weight of the things going on in the world and then in my life and in the lives of people I care about, you know, like you and several other friends, it's it's heavy.

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And it is.

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It's just it's just plain a lot.

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So I don't I don't even know where we want to start, Ian.

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I mean, you know, we're both going through so much.

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And I know in particular that you're going through a lot.

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You know what I found really interesting, and I was gonna save this for later, but I really found this interesting, Tina, that even though our situations are different, they are so similar.

00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:22.079
Yeah.

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In different ways.

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Yeah, I think it's because grief is grief and hard is hard, and it doesn't matter what it is.

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But and and it's also having to do with the the brain, the neurology, the finding out what's going on with your mom's brain and me finding out what's going on with my kids' brains and having to deal and how to love them differently.

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I mean, this this whole episode is about that.

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And it really is about meeting people where they are uh differently.

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Why don't I start off with this week uh when I took care of my mom, she is in late stage early Alzheimer's, and um my five-year-old asked me something that stopped me in my tracks when we were with grandma.

00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:16.639
He noticed that she wasn't shaking as much because if dementia, you know, Alzheimer's, sorry, if Alzheimer's wasn't enough, Parkinson's is added on top of it.

00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:17.360
So why not?

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Right.

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And so she shakes all the time, and it really breaks our hearts.

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And I didn't realize how much my five-year-old noticed.

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And I'm honestly, I'm not sure that I'm gonna make it through this podcast, okay, to be quite honest.

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So bear with me.

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I'm just gonna go through the tears because that is how it is.

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But my five-year-old said, Mommy, I wish someone could take the disease out of grandma.

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I wish God could help her, but maybe he doesn't know how.

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And you know, I told him he knows how, but he chooses not to.

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I said, I don't understand his plan.

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I don't.

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I that's this, that's the plain truth.

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I don't.

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And it was then, you know, I realized that children don't ask complicated theology questions.

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They ask love questions.

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You know, he wasn't asking about doctrine.

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He was it was about relief.

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It was about wanting someone he loves to stop suffering because even at five, he sees it.

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And if I'm honest, I do ask the same question why Parkinson's?

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Why dementia?

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Why both?

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Why doesn't God just take the shaking at least away?

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And I don't have an answer that satisfies my heart.

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And I've been doing this for five or six years.

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Actually, I'm in year six of this.

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But here's what I know God is not offended by our why, and the Bible is full of it.

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Lament is not a lack of faith, it's faith refusing to look away from pain.

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And so I don't think the kid that kids and my son need a perfect answer.

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I think they need some honest ones.

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And so maybe the most meaningful thing we can say is what I did say.

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I don't understand either, but we can still love her well, right where she is.

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Tina, my heart is breaking for you and your son.

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But, you know, it it's just so beautiful.

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His innocence.

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I love his innocence.

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I mean, I've been, as you know, been going through a lot too, and we'll talk about that in a little bit.

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You know, when my son, or, you know, they just come in the room or they just say the right thing, or they just touch, you know, put their hand on me uh and smile, you know, it just makes my day.

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It it it there's just such a mix of emotion with everything that's going on right now.

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I am so sorry with your mom.

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Your mom wasn't shaking as much.

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She really wasn't.

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And I told him it's maybe because she can feel all the love in the room.

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Something interesting that we've noticed is when you hold her hand, she does tend to stop shaking as much.

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And I can't explain it.

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You know, it's something that is really bittersweet.

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And we weren't holding her hand though at the time, but he did notice, and so that's why I said maybe she just feels all the love in the room right now.

00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:20.000
And so, you know, there's there's really also something, and I'm sure you can relate, and many of you watching and listening can too, something really just deeply unfair about watching your child care for a grandparent who can't be a grandparent back.

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You know, my son helps her, he notices her shaking.

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He even said, I wish we could go over to grandma's house and she could make us food, mommy.

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I wish she could walk by herself.

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That would make things a lot easier.

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And yeah, he's absolutely right.

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And, you know, my heart just shattered because he is missing a version of my mom that he never knew.

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And it kills me.

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I ache knowing that he didn't get the singing grandma, the game playing grandma, the vibrant woman that my older boys remember and I remember.

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And some days it's hard because I feel like I'm trying to be both mom and grandma.

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I'm trying to fill a space that wasn't supposed to be mine.

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And then when I see that compassion and his tenderness, his instinct, his natural instinct, without me saying anything to care that didn't come from nowhere, that comes from generations.

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My mom's love is still him, just through me.

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Yeah.

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And it's still unfair.

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I still wish it was different.

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But even in the broken season, love is being passed down.

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And so I have to think that even in these awful moments, there are still unexpected moments of connection.

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You know, I think that there's something people don't talk enough about when it comes to late-stage Alzheimer's, and that's the emotional fatigue.

00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:57.360
There's so much of it, not just being tired, but being soul tired.

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The kind of tired that comes from years of loving someone through decline, from watching a parent slowly change in front of you, from adjusting your expectations over and over and over again.

00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:12.079
You don't just grieve once, you grieve in layers.

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You grieve the diagnosis, you grieve the first time they forgot something big, you grieve when they can't drive, you grieve when they can't cook, when they can't remember the stories, when they can't remember anything about you, maybe they don't even know who you are, they can't walk by themselves, they can barely speak.

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When they forget to how to tell you what they need, what to do with a fork, even it's not one loss, it is a thousand small goodbyes.

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And then you get those unexpected moments of connection, the hand squeeze, the eye contact, the brief look that says, I do know you.

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And those moments are beautiful, but they're brutal too, because they remind you that it's still there, but but not or won't be for long.

00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:03.439
And how much has been taken?

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And you leave, we leave my mom's house just holding on to that little flicker of connection, and then the grief that hits afterward, the drive home is often harder than the visit itself.

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When you watch a parent change like this, it rewrites your whole world.

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And the person who once anchored you now depends entirely on you.

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And no matter how old you are, it's just disorienting.

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It's disorienting becoming the steady one, especially when inside you just want to be the daughter who just wants her mom.

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And so there is emotional fatigue in holding hope and heartbreak at the same time, in wanting relief for suffering, but not wanting to lose her and knowing the season will end, but not knowing when, and being afraid of both of those possibilities.

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And yet, even in all of that, there's real love.

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The kind that shows up when it's hard, the kind that sits just by the bedside or the chair side that keeps holding hands even when the words are gone, and that's where we are.

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I wish I was in front of you.

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I wish I could give you a hug right now.

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I would so hug you.

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There was so much there, so much pain, so much love.

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I am so sorry, my dear friend, that you're going through so much.

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You know, do you have videos of your mom doing some things that you could share with your son?

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Honestly, I haven't even looked.

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I have an audiobook that she made for my boys, and I haven't been able to listen to it this year.

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It's Rudolph they they loved it all the other years.

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I couldn't bring it out this year.

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I have some voicemails on my phone.

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I can't listen to them.

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But you know, isn't that interesting?

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I go through seasons where I have to hear it and then I can't.

00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:12.399
Yeah.

00:10:12.720 --> 00:10:14.159
No, I understand that.

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I went forever took enough video.

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You know, I feel like I didn't take enough video of what she was like.

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You I take a lot of pictures, but not not enough video.

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And right.

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I feel like I'm starting to forget what her voice sounds like and hearing it might make it worse, you know?

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Like, because you want that, you want that back so bad and you know it's not gonna happen.

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And that's hard.

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Yeah, it's it's it's the things that what could be.

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It's the I think that sometimes those are the hardest things, you know.

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I mean, thinking about your mom and who she was, I'm sure, you know, I had voicemails of my mom on for a really long time.

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Now I had a much different relationship with my mom than you do with yours, but I still really valued those voicemails.

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And you know what?

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Make sure that they're in a cloud or something.

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Make sure that you protect those with everything that you can.

00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:26.000
Because I ended up losing mine because I switched phone carriers and I just never got that back.

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So I I don't know, maybe they're in a cloud somewhere.

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But yeah, do whatever you can to make double, triple backups of things like that that you don't want to lose.

00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:39.840
That's that's a that's a great idea.

00:11:39.919 --> 00:12:02.000
And and I the the comforting news in a way is that I know I'm not alone, although I don't wish, you know, the pain and challenges that we are going through on anyone, but I know you're going through a lot too, and we do have different situations, like you mentioned, but same emotional weight because caregiving shows up in different forms.

00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:04.879
Yeah, it really does.

00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:09.919
I mean, it's you talked about those layers, and grief really is in layers.

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You know, I knew a lot of this stuff with what was happening with my kids, but you know what?

00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:16.799
You went through this too.

00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:20.159
You know, there's something about diagnosis day.

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It really, it just changes everything.

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I'm not really sure why, because you know, we already knew, we already had a feeling.

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It's that stamp of this is what's going to happen.

00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:40.399
And it's it's it's not a really, it's not a great place to be.

00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:42.399
It starts as day one.

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It starts, you know, when I talk about those mile markers where something happens and then nothing is the same after that.

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It's that's what it's like.

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It's like this is the day that everything changed.

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Do I think that they changed because they were diagnosed with something?

00:12:59.039 --> 00:12:59.360
No.

00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:08.480
They it just validates and verifies everything in a way that is it's hard.

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It's harder.

00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:11.360
And I and I don't know why.

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For I I I know for me, it kind of just stops you in your tracks.

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Your whole world just stops.

00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:26.159
I mean, it your whole the whole world can change in a literal second, and it can absolutely what happens.

00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:31.440
And I think it's disorienting, and I think that it is it's shocking to the system.

00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.840
And I know for me, I think my initial response is denial.

00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:37.519
No, no, this can't be happening.

00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:38.879
This can't be happening.

00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:42.240
And then the realist in me kicks in and it's like, this is happening.

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Now we have to move forward.

00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:55.679
I think that we're both learning that loving someone sometimes means walking through really, really, really hard seasons.

00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:56.639
Yeah.

00:13:57.200 --> 00:14:02.480
Um, we recently went to the fetal alcohol center.

00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:04.639
You know, I mean, they contacted me.

00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:11.759
They said, you know, we really believe that your kids are fetal alcohol and we want you to come in.

00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:15.919
And it didn't surprise me about my one son.

00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:29.039
What surprised me about him, and I'll actually talk about him first, um, is because, and this is really hard for me because we found out that he, and I didn't know this.

00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:33.600
We went through all the diagnoses, we went through a bunch of stuff with the doctors.

00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.080
And you know, there's sometimes so much.

00:14:36.320 --> 00:14:39.840
You hear so much, or maybe you can't process all of it.

00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:45.279
And they say, Oh, it's in the notes, you can go on to my chart, you can fill, you know, you can read it all there.

00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:50.639
And then I don't want to revisit it because it's just too hard to hear or read.

00:14:50.879 --> 00:15:05.759
And so then, so I had a meeting with another doctor yesterday, and they told me, well, it's because of you know how low his IQ is and his verbal learning, and you know, she started, and I say, wait, what?

00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:09.440
And she said, Yeah, it's it's only a 50.

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And I just went, what?

00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:29.679
I mean, I I knew that it was low, but I guess when you hear those numbers, and you know, I don't believe in definitions defining who somebody is because I overcame so many things with all my disabilities.

00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:41.759
But I've met with so many doctors over the last few weeks, and they're telling me things that I have to take in what they're telling me.

00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:51.679
I have to take in what this doctor, this what this educator, I'm starting to have meetings with educators because he was having such bad days at school.

00:15:51.919 --> 00:16:04.080
He was having horrific days at school, and so where um they kept, you know, his behavior was a 47, it was a 50 uh percent behavior wasn't good.

00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:18.720
He was on the floor, he was crying, he was upset that he lost it a game, he wasn't he had to be pulled out of the classroom three times, and so then I had to get to the point, and he's already in a classroom that's for kids with special needs.

00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:22.480
So I was like, you know, what am I what do I do here?

00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:24.720
I I need to figure this out.

00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:30.639
So, you know, chat GPT and me sometimes can be best friends, and I'm not kidding.

00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:38.799
I I just said, will you please help me parent this child because I don't know what to do?

00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:47.519
And so he, you know, chat, I call him he um just started giving me a different script for him.

00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:53.840
Like when he does these things, um, I have a script now to follow.

00:16:54.159 --> 00:17:00.559
And I didn't know how to talk to him before, but we're getting there.

00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:06.480
And so he currently this week has not been in school because I had to weigh.

00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:07.599
What do I do?

00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:09.440
Do I keep sending him?

00:17:09.519 --> 00:17:16.559
And he come, he walks in the door, and the first thing he says to me is he hands me his folder and he says, another bad day.

00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:18.720
And he's just so defeated.

00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:20.880
And this is what started it for me.

00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:25.119
The other night he was laying in bed and he was just crying.

00:17:25.759 --> 00:17:29.519
And I went in and I said, Buddy, what is wrong?

00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:40.000
And he said, I just don't like who I am, I can't stop doing these things, and I just my heart broke.

00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:48.640
And I want him to understand that it is this thing in his brain, and we're trying to get him.

00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:54.720
You know, what I did was I just I put he's 12, he's going to be 13.

00:17:55.519 --> 00:17:57.759
He's going into seventh grade next year.

00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:15.519
So what I did was I pulled up all these really random, fun, you know, really good educational games that are very interactive, very hands-on, um, second grade that is about where he is.

00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:20.559
And he just was clapping and he was having a really good time.

00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:27.359
And I put the headphones on him and the distractions were less, the noise was less.

00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:32.480
They've told me, oh, yeah, if we pull him out of the classroom, he's better one-on-one.

00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:35.839
And I thought, okay, well, let's try this.

00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:38.799
I'm not saying that I'm keeping him home.

00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:40.480
We're supposed to meet.

00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:48.559
Um, but you know, the one thing that I do believe in, and I also don't believe in, is inclusion.

00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:51.440
And I do believe in inclusion for kids.

00:18:51.680 --> 00:19:04.160
Um, but when you have to weigh how much it takes away from your child and how much it, you know, he he's not his best when he's in the middle of all these other kids and noise and things.

00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:09.359
Everything that's happening is taking away from him to be able to perform.

00:19:09.680 --> 00:19:13.839
And they are going to put him in a program where eventually he'll go do a job every day.

00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:17.680
He'll go to a hospital or a store and he'll learn these skills.

00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:24.079
And he's, you know, when I go to the hairdresser, he organizes their shelves and he's really good at it.

00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:28.319
And he would be great at a job like that, and he would be so proud of himself.

00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:32.079
It's just all these things getting there, you know?

00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.319
And the diagnosis is hard.

00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:48.319
It's just genuinely hard because you look at him and he's just the cutest kid, and he just smiles back at me, and he wants other kids to smile back at him and to greet him the same way that he greets them.

00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:57.359
And I constantly feel like I have to like step in and help him and be like his one-on-one, like I am with his brother.

00:19:57.599 --> 00:19:59.680
And it's hard, Tina.

00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:01.359
It is so hard.

00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:03.279
I don't know how you do it.

00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:09.519
You are such a special person and mom to take on all that you are taking on.

00:20:09.680 --> 00:20:12.480
I love that you're getting help, even if it's AI.

00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:13.920
Nothing wrong with that at all.

00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:16.319
I use it to help me with my mom's journey.

00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:22.400
It has said some really beautiful things to me and really helped me in moments of distress.

00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:28.799
And I think that we need to do what we need to do to help ourselves and help the ones we love the most.

00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:31.440
I I just I can't imagine.

00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:35.039
I know you have so much on your plate, and that's just a third of it.

00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:40.640
It is because I have three with fetal alcohol and many diagnoses.

00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:51.759
And my other one, this was the hard one, Tina, even harder because I've always known that my 12-year-old has these problems.

00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:53.440
I always knew it.

00:20:54.079 --> 00:21:03.440
But my nine-year-old, um, I knew that he has autism, he has ADHD, he's not able to be in a regular school setting.

00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:11.920
But when I was sitting across these two doctors a couple days ago, they looked at me and said, it's pretty significant.

00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:19.920
He's it, the the parts of his brain that were affected by alcohol are really significant.

00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:33.279
And I just about fell because, you know, I already know that, you know, he is, he, he has that um autism gait, that autism walk, I guess you could say, I I don't know.

00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:39.359
Um, but he he's got an awkwardness about him, and he's always been bigger.

00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:44.000
Um, and that is because, you know, his biological parents were just bigger.

00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:46.559
And so it comes naturally.

00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.200
But he does have an awkwardness about him.

00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:54.240
And so he was actually diagnosed with I didn't even know what dysgraphia was.

00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:59.599
I had never even heard of dysgraphia and developmental coordination disorder.

00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:10.799
Um, but he has those where it's just, and his fine motor skills and his gross motor skills have been affected, and they're weaker and they're not able to do the things.

00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:15.440
Plus, he also has an extremely low processing.

00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:27.119
And I knew this because whenever the teachers in class would talk and all these things, you know, it would be, and I know that from homeschooling him, I'll say a bunch of words and he'll say, huh?

00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:28.079
What?

00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:32.880
You know, so again, it's just slowing way down.

00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:35.119
It's learning how to teach him.

00:22:35.359 --> 00:22:37.759
His executive functioning is really low.

00:22:38.000 --> 00:22:39.920
And that one I didn't know.

00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:48.000
Um, but if you know anything about executive functioning and all these things that are going on with him, like written expression, is really low.

00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:51.519
And all those things together is because it's all up here.

00:22:51.759 --> 00:23:02.480
He is intelligent, he actually has a pretty high IQ, but all this is going on, and he can't execute it, he can't get it down on paper.

00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:09.759
So that written expression disorder, if that's what you want to call it, um, we've gone speech to text.

00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:20.880
You know, I mean, he is so excited about this because he has looked at a blank piece of paper for such a long time with a pencil in his hand and saying he can't do it.

00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:23.519
And it takes him like 10 minutes to write his name.

00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:49.519
And I'm like, you know, let's just try to do some breakdown sentences, and he can talk into this computer, and he can just tell a whole paper on how to play Fortnite or facts about the Titanic, and then we edit and we do all these things to the paper, and then he wants it printed, and then he wants to read it to everybody, and he's excited, you know.

00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:56.160
I mean, and use he it's learning what they need and utilizing the tools that we have now.

00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:05.759
I mean, back when we were younger, I was I'm older than you, we didn't have those tools, so why not reach them where they are?

00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:07.279
I mean, I'm all about that.

00:24:07.359 --> 00:24:13.680
I don't care if you can't write in paragraphs the way that you're supposed to, and I'm not gonna push it.

00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:17.759
Turn on um the microphone on your Google Doc.

00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:20.880
Talk into it, and then we'll edit it from there.

00:24:21.039 --> 00:24:22.799
I have no problem with that.

00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:24.319
No, I don't either.

00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:33.279
We all learn differently, and I think it's beautiful that you figured out a way that reaches him and makes him excited about learning and able to get what's in his brain onto paper.

00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:34.880
I applaud that so much.

00:24:35.119 --> 00:24:44.240
I don't know how you have the energy to do all that you do because I'm exhausted just hearing all that you deal with and you do it with such love and grace.

00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:47.839
I I just I don't know how you do it, but you do it really well.

00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:55.920
Well, I don't know how graceful there's times I'm telling you, I mean, I just snapped at the principal this morning for absolutely no reason.

00:24:56.000 --> 00:25:06.880
She sent me a podcast and just was so nice about it, and I just took it so the wrong way, and I just snapped back at her and she said, Oh, I'm so sorry, that's not what I meant.

00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:08.480
And I said, I'm sorry.

00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:16.319
I have had seven meetings in the last week, and I'm just really, you know, my brain feels frozen at the moment.

00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:20.400
I just feel like I can't take in one more piece of information.

00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:29.599
Yes, and I need a week or so to process everything before I can really start talking about this and making decisions.

00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:31.920
Sometimes we just need space.

00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:33.440
Yeah, some quiet.

00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:34.960
Yes, absolutely.

00:25:35.200 --> 00:25:45.519
You know, I think that sometimes our bodies and brains protect us, if you know, if you will, and we can't process what we've heard, or maybe we shut down out of protection.

00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:52.720
I remember when I first heard my mom's official diagnosis that first time, and everything around me stood still.

00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:58.720
It was the craziest feeling, just complete shock and disbelief.

00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:02.799
And I just remember everything stood still.

00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:05.599
I don't think any one of us wanted to accept it.

00:26:05.759 --> 00:26:09.599
And maybe, maybe that's where this comes into play, kind of what we're talking about.

00:26:09.680 --> 00:26:13.359
Like, you don't want to have to process it because you don't want it to be true.

00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:16.880
It's for me, there's a difference in knowing.

00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:30.160
Like you you kind of know in the back of your head that these things, but then when you hear it and say it, it's real, and there's something to the spoken word that hits you differently.

00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:32.960
I I can't explain it beyond that.

00:26:33.200 --> 00:26:42.640
And you know, I think as each phase or each diagnosis comes, sometimes you just want to deny it because I'm gonna be honest with you.

00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:53.039
I really wish that I could just have a year of just simple, boring nothingness.

00:26:54.240 --> 00:27:03.200
No sickness, no worse diagnoses, no financial struggle, no hard, heavy news.

00:27:03.599 --> 00:27:14.160
I I do, I feel like I really feel like I need a whole year of decompression to wrap my head around things, to you know, figure out what's my place in this person's life.

00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:19.440
How am I and and and all of these people who I love in their lives, and also who am I?

00:27:19.759 --> 00:27:20.559
Who am I?

00:27:20.720 --> 00:27:21.440
What do I need?

00:27:21.599 --> 00:27:22.880
What do I want to do?

00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:38.400
I am having to stand up in different ways, and I've been more forceful about things, and that might be, I've been putting up more boundaries, I've been saying no more often, and I and I know what my kids need, and I know what I need.

00:27:38.559 --> 00:27:52.559
And before I used to allow people like um that represent our SSA from Developmental Disabilities or whatever system it is that I'm talking to, and they'll tell me what I need.

00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:55.039
They'll tell me, oh, we're gonna have this meeting.

00:27:55.279 --> 00:28:00.480
Oh, uh, we are gonna be a part of my one of my child's meetings.

00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:19.200
They gave me a brand new SSA, a brand new SSA that hadn't even been trained yet with my family in the midst of all these things that are going on, decisions that are being made, pretty big decisions that are being made, and they want a seat at the table.

00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:20.559
And I told them no.

00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:22.079
So, you know what they did?

00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:32.640
They went above my head, they went over to another program that we're involved with that creates these meetings and has is the umbrella over all of it.

00:28:32.799 --> 00:28:38.079
They went to them and said, You talk her into having us be at that table.

00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:43.279
And they were like, Hey, and we're your voice, whatever you want.

00:28:43.519 --> 00:28:47.920
And so I called him back this morning and I was on fire.

00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:49.440
And he denied all of it.

00:28:49.519 --> 00:28:50.960
He said, Oh, we didn't say that.

00:28:51.119 --> 00:28:58.160
Oh, yes, you did, because I know for a fact that my other person here is not going to lie.

00:28:58.559 --> 00:29:02.160
You, though, on the other hand, had been trying to manipulate me.

00:29:02.400 --> 00:29:05.519
So I've been standing up a lot more.

00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:06.559
Yeah.

00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:09.200
But I wish it didn't have to be that way.

00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:10.799
No is a complete sentence.

00:29:10.960 --> 00:29:12.880
No means no, exactly.

00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:18.799
And you're representing a system that is supposed to be, you know, pretty professional.

00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:21.680
Well, you're not acting very professional.

00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:28.079
Yeah, my life is doctor's appointments, it is specialist, and it is managing systems.

00:29:28.240 --> 00:29:29.119
That's my life.

00:29:29.279 --> 00:29:33.839
You want to talk about fatigue, what you were talking about, that fatigue that you talked about.

00:29:34.079 --> 00:29:38.240
Advocacy fatigue is a real thing.

00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:41.039
And we have to take care of ourselves.

00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:44.079
If we want to continue, it's that putting that mask on first.

00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:48.799
You know, if we want to continue that, we have to take care of ourselves.

00:29:49.119 --> 00:29:51.839
No, you you are absolutely right.

00:29:52.400 --> 00:30:01.839
So there's something I've been thinking about lately, this whole idea as we're talking it out, venting, whatever you want to call it about hard things.

00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:08.319
You know, I read that the idea that venting or talking about hard things can actually force distress.

00:30:08.480 --> 00:30:16.640
And if we keep rehashing something painful without solving it, we might be strengthening those neural pathways instead of healing them.

00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:21.920
And I'll be honest, that hit me hard when I thought about my mom and her early onset Alzheimer's.

00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:25.200
She's 65, late stage of this horrific disease.

00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:30.960
The season has been one of the hardest of my life, my family's life, my dad's life.

00:30:31.119 --> 00:30:34.480
Um, it's not a problem that I can solve.

00:30:34.640 --> 00:30:37.839
It's not something I can research my way out of.

00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:41.759
I can't organize it, I can't fix it, I can't advocate it away.

00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:45.599
And my brain, the part of me that likes to take action, hates that.

00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:49.359
And so sometimes when I talk about it, I wonder, am I just looping?

00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:51.519
Am I reinforcing the sadness?

00:30:51.680 --> 00:30:53.680
Am I keeping myself stuck?

00:30:53.920 --> 00:31:00.400
But I'm beginning to realize that there has to be a difference between venting and processing.

00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:08.799
So if I keep telling the story in a way that sounds like this is unfair, I can't fix this, I'm losing her.

00:31:09.039 --> 00:31:11.680
My nervous system then stays in that threat mode.

00:31:11.839 --> 00:31:15.119
My brain keeps scanning for a solution that doesn't exist.

00:31:15.440 --> 00:31:32.240
So while I do still ask questions like that, because I'm human and it's normal and this sucks, I'm also trying to shift and not sugarcoat it, but try to integrate so it sounds and hits my heart a little bit differently.

00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:38.559
So instead of I can't fix this, I can't fix this, but I can love her well in it.

00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:40.880
It's something I tell my kids all the time.

00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:46.960
And instead of, well, I do believe it is unfair, and then I follow it up with, but I'm still showing up.

00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:48.400
I'm really proud of me.

00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:50.960
Like I'm I'm seriously so proud of me.

00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:54.000
I'm doing such a hard, loving thing.

00:31:54.079 --> 00:31:58.799
Like the ultimate form, the last form of love is the way that I'm showing it.

00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:07.839
And instead of maybe I'm losing her, although I do feel that way, and it is true, she's changing and I'm learning how to meet her where she is.

00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:09.440
It's still so hard.

00:32:09.599 --> 00:32:11.920
It doesn't remove any of the grief.

00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:17.599
It just gives my brain somewhere to land because here's here's the truth.

00:32:17.759 --> 00:32:19.279
This is ongoing grief.

00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:21.200
This is how it is for me.

00:32:21.279 --> 00:32:23.839
She's here, but she's not fully here.

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:27.279
I'm her daughter, but I'm actually really her caregiver.

00:32:27.680 --> 00:32:29.519
There is no clean resolution.

00:32:29.680 --> 00:32:34.799
So my brain keeps trying to reconcile these two competing realities at once.

00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:38.079
And sometimes I do need silence.

00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:41.039
Sometimes I just, I just need absolute nothingness.

00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:47.680
But other times, what helps is sharing in a way that includes meaning, not just pain.

00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:54.400
And so when I talk about my mom, I try to also ask myself, where did I show up today?

00:32:54.720 --> 00:32:56.799
Was there a moment of connection?

00:32:56.960 --> 00:33:00.079
And that's why I always try to focus on the positive when I'm with her.

00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:09.920
I want my brain to remember that smile, that touch, that stare that we had, that um, you know, the conversation with my son, even though it was hard.

00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:12.400
Did I respond with patience today or panic?

00:33:12.480 --> 00:33:15.119
Did I choose love even when I felt helpless?

00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:22.559
And the answer is I have always, and I am not kidding you when I say always during my mom's sickness, been patient.

00:33:22.640 --> 00:33:24.880
And I am so proud of me for that.

00:33:25.119 --> 00:33:27.759
I I can't even explain it.

00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:28.880
It has to be only God.

00:33:28.960 --> 00:33:33.200
I would not call myself the most patient person you've ever met, but with her, I'm doing it.

00:33:33.359 --> 00:33:36.079
I choose love every single time.

00:33:36.480 --> 00:33:39.440
And maybe, maybe that's the reframe.

00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:44.319
Not don't talk about it, but talk about it in a way that reminds your nervous system.

00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:45.519
You're not powerless.

00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:47.279
I can't cure Alzheimer's.

00:33:47.519 --> 00:33:48.720
Man, I wish I could.

00:33:49.200 --> 00:33:50.799
But I can be present.

00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:52.960
I can honor her dignity.

00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:57.359
I can hold our history and I can love her inside the fog.

00:33:57.680 --> 00:34:00.160
And maybe that's what processing really is.

00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:02.160
That is so beautiful.

00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:04.079
Everything that you just said.

00:34:04.640 --> 00:34:06.319
It's you know, isn't it?

00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:06.880
It's hard.

00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:09.440
It's it it it is hard.

00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:12.639
You were handling her through the eyes of love.

00:34:13.119 --> 00:34:14.480
That's just beautiful.

00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:17.760
What if we what if that's what we did?

00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:26.960
You know, if you know, when I look at my kids, I'm looking at them with love first, and then I'm looking at them.

00:34:27.199 --> 00:34:31.280
I mean, love is right here, and that's how I'm dealing with them.

00:34:31.519 --> 00:34:32.960
What if that's what we did?

00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:34.880
It would change the world.

00:34:35.119 --> 00:34:37.360
It would really change the world.

00:34:37.599 --> 00:34:41.360
I think that we would at least handle things differently.

00:34:41.840 --> 00:34:48.960
Another thing, you know, you you were talking about it looping and or is it processing?

00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:53.119
And I feel like it's always a step forward.

00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:57.760
I mean, there's time I've been talking about my kids for nine years.

00:34:57.920 --> 00:35:02.559
And you've been with your mom for your it's six years, you said.

00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:06.239
Which I still can't believe that that it's been six years with your mom.

00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:08.559
I that's just it's so much.

00:35:09.039 --> 00:35:15.280
A loop is different, completely different than I think the processing.

00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:22.079
I just think that it's a loving differently, a fe figuring it out differently, a new set of information.

00:35:22.159 --> 00:35:26.960
So it's more processing and then it's moving on and it's more growth.

00:35:27.199 --> 00:35:29.360
And we have to continue to do that.

00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:31.199
I think it's necessary.

00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:41.519
And you know, when we talk about making the world a better place, I think that if we could take a moment to step in someone else's shoes, it would really show us something.

00:35:41.679 --> 00:35:54.159
You know, I think being able to just take a moment and walk how someone else does would be life-changing for so many of us and help us see things clearly.

00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:55.760
Yeah, absolutely.

00:35:56.000 --> 00:36:02.400
I mean, we and we talked about this when we talked about timelines, which we feel like somebody stole our episode.

00:36:02.719 --> 00:36:08.079
But when we talked about timelines, we aren't to compare ourselves to anybody else.

00:36:08.239 --> 00:36:15.280
We don't have the same genetics and brain and situations and everything for um us to compare.

00:36:15.440 --> 00:36:16.320
We can't compare.

00:36:16.480 --> 00:36:19.840
So you can't tell somebody else how they need to think or feel or deal.

00:36:20.079 --> 00:36:21.840
I mean, we just can't do that.

00:36:22.159 --> 00:36:23.039
Absolutely.

00:36:23.199 --> 00:36:37.119
And isn't it interesting how people can change when they are going through something that they maybe judged you how you handled it, and then they go through it, and oh, suddenly it makes sense.

00:36:37.360 --> 00:36:40.639
But you don't know until you're in in that position.

00:36:41.119 --> 00:36:42.239
Yeah, no, you don't.

00:36:42.400 --> 00:36:47.280
And that's why I really think that the Bible and God and I mean he leads without judgment.

00:36:47.360 --> 00:36:49.199
And I think that that's what we need to do.

00:36:49.440 --> 00:36:51.039
I mean, that's what we're called to do.

00:36:51.199 --> 00:36:52.239
I really believe that.

00:36:52.480 --> 00:37:02.480
And the other thing that you talked about with the script, you know, with your mom and talking to yourself differently, like you know, I can't cure Alzheimer's, but but I can be present.

00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:09.119
I can honor the dignity, but you know, I can hold our history and you can love her inside the fog.

00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:10.960
I mean, it's just so beautiful.

00:37:11.119 --> 00:37:21.840
And what I've been doing with my one son, especially, like I kind of touched on a little bit ago, but it's just a different way of approaching him.

00:37:22.239 --> 00:37:24.480
I've really come to a conclusion, okay.

00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:25.280
You know what?

00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:26.960
I have these things on paper.

00:37:27.119 --> 00:37:38.719
I have all these things on paper saying everything that my kids are, but I want to come to them with love and I want to come to them with the information that I have, and let's just go from here.

00:37:38.880 --> 00:37:40.639
We can do this together.

00:37:41.280 --> 00:37:42.960
It is exhausting though, isn't it?

00:37:43.039 --> 00:37:44.880
I feel like this It is exhausting.

00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:46.960
It's so exhausting, at least for me.

00:37:47.039 --> 00:37:56.079
You know, the constant adapting, the constant changes, the mental reframing, the emotional regulation, just constant adjusting.

00:37:56.320 --> 00:38:00.159
It is exhausting to hold grief and gratitude at the same time.

00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:06.639
It really is, but that's what I have to do to keep my heart and my head in the game, still, if you will.

00:38:06.880 --> 00:38:10.880
It is exhausting to be strong and tender, practical and hopeful.

00:38:10.960 --> 00:38:13.519
Sometimes all before nine o'clock in the morning.

00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:16.719
There is no clean break, no before and after.

00:38:16.800 --> 00:38:20.000
It's just the slow ongoing shift for me.

00:38:20.239 --> 00:38:25.119
And even when I'm doing the work of integrating and reframing, my body still feels tired.

00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:28.159
My heart feels tired, my brain feels tired.

00:38:28.639 --> 00:38:33.519
Because loving someone through cognitive decline, it's not a single hard moment.

00:38:33.599 --> 00:38:35.679
It's a thousand small ones.

00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:39.280
And that kind of love takes energy that I didn't know I had.

00:38:39.360 --> 00:38:42.559
And some days more than I feel like I can give.

00:38:42.800 --> 00:38:52.159
And I think that part gets me because you know, Mondays are the day where I take care of my mom and I am just shocked for the rest of the day.

00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:57.199
And my my family knows that I don't have a lot to give after that.

00:38:57.360 --> 00:38:59.760
I am mentally spent.

00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:00.320
Yeah.

00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:06.480
When you texted me on Monday, and you know, you were, you know, for one thing, thank you for that.

00:39:06.639 --> 00:39:11.599
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your world when you're going through such a hard time.

00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:16.159
I mean, that just means so much to me that you trust me with that.

00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:29.039
Because, you know, I can in a small way, even from a distance, or I can lift you up and I can hold you in a in a way that I so appreciate and love you.

00:39:29.519 --> 00:39:30.159
I love you.

00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:38.880
Thank you for being such a trusted friend, you know, someone that I can tell all the ins and outs to, and I know that you're not judging me one second.

00:39:39.199 --> 00:39:41.920
No, but I wish that I could remove some of it.

00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:43.119
I mean, I really do.

00:39:43.599 --> 00:39:44.480
Me for you too.

00:39:44.639 --> 00:39:45.519
I really do.

00:39:45.760 --> 00:39:48.079
I mean, life just isn't fair, is it?

00:39:48.400 --> 00:39:48.719
No.

00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:50.480
It's just not.

00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:58.559
And you've been a real teacher to me in that what you said um with your mom, and you're just patient with her.

00:39:58.800 --> 00:40:06.320
What I think is so beautiful is like I was saying, I'm constantly learning how to be a new mom, a better mom.

00:40:06.480 --> 00:40:13.840
Like I look at it as a new my my older two kids when they were younger, you know, they we always had this thing.

00:40:14.079 --> 00:40:18.480
It didn't, punishments, consequences didn't go to the next day.

00:40:18.639 --> 00:40:19.440
They just didn't.

00:40:19.599 --> 00:40:22.079
We left them and we started a new day.

00:40:22.239 --> 00:40:24.800
And that's how I kind of feel with my kids.

00:40:24.960 --> 00:40:31.039
If I've screwed up, if they've screwed up, whatever, you know, because I now am doing it again with these three littles.

00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:34.880
Um, I I just wake up and I say, you know, it's a new day.

00:40:35.039 --> 00:40:36.880
This is how we're going to love today.

00:40:37.039 --> 00:40:38.400
We're gonna do our best.

00:40:38.559 --> 00:40:42.960
We're gonna try to meet each other where we are, and that's where we start.

00:40:43.119 --> 00:40:45.519
And I love that you're doing that with your mom.

00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:52.079
You know, you get to go there, start fresh, and be the daughter that you need to be that day.

00:40:52.320 --> 00:40:59.199
I feel like it's no longer like learning how to be a daughter in a new way anymore.

00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:02.239
I think we're so past that stage.

00:41:02.400 --> 00:41:05.840
There's no explaining things twice, there's no back and forth.

00:41:06.079 --> 00:41:09.039
We are in that end stage, and that does change everything.

00:41:09.119 --> 00:41:18.400
Now, being her daughter, you know, looks like sitting next to her when there are no words and holding her hand and watching that Parkinson shake and kind of subside.

00:41:18.480 --> 00:41:21.760
That's the win for the day, then for me.

00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:31.760
And it looks like talking softly and into silence where there isn't anything reciprocated 99.8% of the time.

00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:35.440
And it looks like grieving someone who's still breathing.

00:41:35.599 --> 00:41:40.639
There are no parenting dynamics anymore, no teaching, no redirecting.

00:41:40.719 --> 00:41:44.800
It's just simply presence and love without feedback.

00:41:44.960 --> 00:41:51.440
And so I know it's sacred, but it's also unbelievably heavy because I still feel like her daughter.

00:41:51.599 --> 00:41:52.800
I am still her daughter.

00:41:52.960 --> 00:41:53.119
Yeah.

00:41:53.360 --> 00:41:54.639
I still want my mom.

00:41:54.880 --> 00:42:04.960
At that same time, though, I've been slowly for years saying goodbye in pieces, and there's just nothing to solve, nothing to reframe, nothing to tidy up.

00:42:05.039 --> 00:42:13.519
It's simply now the stage of just showing up, me just being there, just loving her through this awful longest goodbye.

00:42:13.679 --> 00:42:18.159
And what I'm going through right now is a different nervous system experience.

00:42:18.239 --> 00:42:21.760
I can feel my nervous system is just on high alert.

00:42:22.079 --> 00:42:26.639
And it's not looping, like you said, because you know, I I want to figure something out.

00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:31.199
It's looping because my heart is bracing and breaking at the same time.

00:42:31.519 --> 00:42:37.199
And that's where that nervous system struggle, I think, just comes in.

00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:44.639
It's it's trying to keep myself calm and like, okay, this is where we are, and doing, you know, saying those things that I've talked about.

00:42:44.880 --> 00:42:51.679
And then also almost like a panic, you know, I don't know when her time will be up.

00:42:52.079 --> 00:42:52.880
Will this happen to me?

00:42:53.039 --> 00:42:54.000
Will this happen to my husband?

00:42:54.159 --> 00:42:55.519
Will this happen to one of my friends?

00:42:55.679 --> 00:42:57.280
Will this happen to one of my children?

00:42:57.519 --> 00:43:02.639
And it's, you know, it's I think bracing and breaking is just really the best way to put it.

00:43:04.880 --> 00:43:05.440
Wow.

00:43:05.760 --> 00:43:08.400
I I actually kind of like that.

00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:10.559
Bracing and breaking.

00:43:11.119 --> 00:43:12.320
Oh my gosh.

00:43:12.719 --> 00:43:16.320
It's not a good phrase, but I like it.

00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:20.480
Well, it describes, I think, where we are.

00:43:21.840 --> 00:43:24.159
I I am living it, Tina.

00:43:24.559 --> 00:43:27.440
I feel like I could break.

00:43:27.840 --> 00:43:30.639
And it takes a lot to get me here.

00:43:30.880 --> 00:43:33.119
I am the strongest one in the room.

00:43:33.519 --> 00:43:36.880
It and I don't feel very strong right now.

00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:42.480
And it really, you know, I want to be there for my kids as long as I can.

00:43:42.639 --> 00:43:46.400
And that's part of it, is I know I can't be.

00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:49.039
That's a really hard truth for me.

00:43:49.440 --> 00:43:53.920
I try not to think about it, but I also have to prepare for those things at the same time.

00:43:54.159 --> 00:43:55.519
It's just being honest.

00:43:55.920 --> 00:43:56.320
Right.

00:43:56.559 --> 00:43:59.760
Yeah, I I I I can completely see.

00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:10.079
Why that would be such a hard thought to come across, and at the same time, something that you do have to prepare yourself and them for because you won't always be here.

00:44:10.239 --> 00:44:14.880
And with some of the challenges that they sadly have not asked for any of this themselves.

00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:15.519
Yeah.

00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:20.880
This is this has nothing to do with them, which just makes it even harder.

00:44:21.199 --> 00:44:28.480
I I think that you have you have to prepare because someone else will have to take care of them.

00:44:28.800 --> 00:44:29.280
Yeah.

00:44:29.519 --> 00:44:30.079
Yeah.

00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:33.679
And it's that balancing, you know, balancing life.

00:44:33.920 --> 00:44:38.559
I mean, we, you and I have so much coming at us, Tina.

00:44:38.960 --> 00:44:41.360
And you are amazing at balancing.

00:44:41.519 --> 00:44:45.039
At least it looks like on the outside that you're amazing at balancing.

00:44:45.199 --> 00:44:53.119
Uh, it's funny that you say that because I would say that about you, and I don't feel so much like I maybe internally I don't feel that way.

00:44:53.280 --> 00:44:58.079
Maybe externally I'm more, I do better than I I think I do.

00:44:58.239 --> 00:44:59.039
I'm not sure.

00:44:59.119 --> 00:45:02.719
And I don't even know if balance is the right word for me.

00:45:02.960 --> 00:45:10.639
I carry the weight of the world, you know, every morning as a news anchor, stories of loss and crisis and conflict.

00:45:10.719 --> 00:45:14.000
And yes, I chose my job and I love what I get to do.

00:45:14.239 --> 00:45:18.800
I carry the quiet, sacred weight of the end stage Alzheimer's with my mom.

00:45:19.119 --> 00:45:23.760
Lost friendships over no time or no reciprocity.

00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:32.320
I carry the beautiful chaos of three incredible little boys and a sweet husband who deserves more of me than I sometimes feel capable of giving.

00:45:32.400 --> 00:45:37.199
I carry the laundry and the appointments and the emotions and the logistics and the food allergies.

00:45:37.599 --> 00:45:38.719
Oh my gosh.

00:45:39.360 --> 00:45:39.679
Right?

00:45:39.760 --> 00:45:47.280
I and I feel that way when when you talk about all the things you carry and all of this invisible labor that no one really sees.

00:45:47.440 --> 00:45:50.000
And I don't know if there's any neat balance.

00:45:50.159 --> 00:45:51.760
Maybe I've learned how to carry it.

00:45:51.840 --> 00:45:52.400
I don't know.

00:45:52.480 --> 00:45:57.920
And I I thank you for that because I'm glad it looks like maybe I'm carrying it okay.

00:45:58.079 --> 00:46:02.880
Some days more than others, but I'm overweight right now for the first time in my life.

00:46:03.039 --> 00:46:08.559
I'm exhausted in every way, shape, and form of the word, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:11.519
There is no time that feels fully mine.

00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:14.079
Some days I look in the mirror and I can just see.

00:46:14.159 --> 00:46:15.280
I mean, I see it right now.

00:46:15.440 --> 00:46:22.559
Look, if you look at me, you're like, maybe someone would meanly describe me as washed up or, you know, how tired.

00:46:24.639 --> 00:46:24.880
No.

00:46:25.679 --> 00:46:28.320
And and yet I am still here though.

00:46:28.480 --> 00:46:36.719
I even though I see myself, you know, as this overweight mom who's just struggling to get 10 minutes a day of her own time.

00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:38.800
And most of the time I don't even get that.

00:46:38.960 --> 00:46:40.880
I I I'm sorry, Tina.

00:46:41.199 --> 00:46:43.679
You're just overweight mom.

00:46:43.920 --> 00:46:44.880
You washed up.

00:46:45.199 --> 00:46:45.440
Yes.

00:46:46.159 --> 00:46:47.280
I look like a disaster.

00:46:47.360 --> 00:46:49.119
I'm just you don't.

00:46:49.360 --> 00:46:49.599
Yeah.

00:46:49.679 --> 00:46:52.559
I I am a I am a disaster.

00:46:52.719 --> 00:46:56.320
My big old look, my eyes, my eyes have the bags under them.

00:46:56.400 --> 00:46:58.480
They're ready to go on vacation somewhere.

00:46:58.639 --> 00:46:59.519
Oh my God.

00:46:59.920 --> 00:47:01.599
Far away from where I'm at.

00:47:01.920 --> 00:47:03.679
But here's here's the thing.

00:47:03.920 --> 00:47:04.960
You know, it's real.

00:47:05.119 --> 00:47:06.079
It is what it is.

00:47:06.239 --> 00:47:07.440
It is where I'm at.

00:47:07.679 --> 00:47:08.639
I am still here.

00:47:08.719 --> 00:47:11.679
I still wake up every single day and I give it my very best.

00:47:11.760 --> 00:47:18.639
It might be a gritty, honest, faithful, baggy-eyed best, tearful best, but it's what I have.

00:47:18.719 --> 00:47:20.400
And here's the bottom line, though.

00:47:20.639 --> 00:47:21.840
I still love deeply.

00:47:22.000 --> 00:47:22.800
I still show up.

00:47:22.960 --> 00:47:24.480
I still sit beside my mom.

00:47:24.639 --> 00:47:26.079
I still cheer for my boys.

00:47:26.239 --> 00:47:27.840
I still hold my husband's hand.

00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:30.320
I still speak into a microphone with conviction.

00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:31.360
I still care.

00:47:31.599 --> 00:47:36.960
I don't think I have it all together, but I sure have love in the middle of depletion.

00:47:37.199 --> 00:47:40.559
And while I may be tired, I am still just full of love.

00:47:40.639 --> 00:47:43.519
And to me, that means something really, really special.

00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:56.719
You know, if I if I may, I have been told in the last maybe two weeks by several different people at my work that you bring such joy and light.

00:47:56.880 --> 00:48:00.719
And the best thing that's happened to us in a long time is you.

00:48:01.360 --> 00:48:07.119
And that means so much to me because that is what I want to do.

00:48:07.280 --> 00:48:13.039
And I'm so glad to know that I am doing that, even though I have all of this invisible hard.

00:48:13.119 --> 00:48:15.119
I'm still the invisible hard.

00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:16.079
Oh, I like that.

00:48:16.239 --> 00:48:17.840
The invisible hard.

00:48:22.000 --> 00:48:24.239
And I I was really grateful for that.

00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:26.320
That really, really helped me.

00:48:26.559 --> 00:48:28.800
You deserve that because you do.

00:48:28.960 --> 00:48:43.119
I mean, no matter what, even if we meet out somewhere and we're both really going through something, we just sit and our space together is just so calm, you know, and joyful.

00:48:43.360 --> 00:48:52.559
And even though we're we could be talking about some of the heaviest things, but we feel good together and and it feels lighter.

00:48:52.880 --> 00:48:54.800
So you do bring that.

00:48:55.119 --> 00:48:55.920
Well, thank you.

00:48:56.079 --> 00:49:00.960
There's something about being able to be connected with someone like you who just gets it.

00:49:01.039 --> 00:49:03.679
You know, you don't have to put on the fake smile if you don't have it.

00:49:03.760 --> 00:49:07.920
You can still feel the joy, but you also like I also know you get it.

00:49:08.239 --> 00:49:12.639
You know, you get what hard is, and you're not gonna walk away from me.

00:49:13.199 --> 00:49:13.440
No.

00:49:13.679 --> 00:49:15.280
Oh gosh, no, never.

00:49:15.679 --> 00:49:22.239
I think that's the most important thing is I know that you will be there.

00:49:22.559 --> 00:49:24.480
Always, a hundred percent.

00:49:24.719 --> 00:49:26.880
If you need me, I will be there.

00:49:27.039 --> 00:49:36.960
And it's good that I mean I hope everybody has somebody that they feel that no matter what, that they can just pick up that phone and text and say, you know what, I'm having a really hard day today.

00:49:37.199 --> 00:49:39.599
And they just say, I'm here.

00:49:40.639 --> 00:49:41.280
Exactly.

00:49:41.519 --> 00:49:52.719
But you know, sometimes it is the smallest things when we're so bogged down with all those things that you listed, it was so overwhelming.

00:49:53.039 --> 00:49:55.199
And uh I have those kind of days.

00:49:55.519 --> 00:49:56.079
Two things.

00:49:56.239 --> 00:49:57.360
Oh, I'm so excited.

00:49:58.239 --> 00:50:03.840
One is I got an ADHD cleaning guide.

00:50:04.400 --> 00:50:06.000
I'm so excited about this.

00:50:06.239 --> 00:50:16.960
Oh, it has the whole house and it has, you know, like bathroom, and it has like, you know, 10 things under there that you have to do.

00:50:17.199 --> 00:50:28.000
You actually get to check them off that you did them, and I can give it to my son, who I'm trying to teach them how to clean the house.

00:50:28.239 --> 00:50:29.840
And so here you go.

00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:34.639
Um, you today you have the living room, and so these are the things that he has to do.

00:50:34.719 --> 00:50:44.480
He can actually see, okay, um, I have to sweep, get that, I have to dust, get, you know, and they just go, they do it, and they get to check it off.

00:50:44.559 --> 00:50:45.599
Isn't that fun?

00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:46.239
It is.

00:50:46.400 --> 00:50:47.280
That is fun.

00:50:47.920 --> 00:50:48.880
I'm so excited.

00:50:49.039 --> 00:50:52.480
I just got it, so I'm just so excited about that.

00:50:52.719 --> 00:50:59.760
And then um, oh, the other thing is that okay, do you have the Yucca app?

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:00.559
Yes.

00:51:00.800 --> 00:51:02.000
Okay, is that how you call it?

00:51:02.079 --> 00:51:02.880
Yucca Yucca?

00:51:03.039 --> 00:51:03.280
I don't know.

00:51:03.440 --> 00:51:05.440
I call it yucca because it's yuck stuff.

00:51:05.519 --> 00:51:05.920
I don't know.

00:51:06.000 --> 00:51:07.119
That's just how I refer to it.

00:51:07.199 --> 00:51:08.239
But why K-A?

00:51:08.400 --> 00:51:08.960
Yeah, yucca.

00:51:09.199 --> 00:51:09.760
I call it Yucca.

00:51:09.920 --> 00:51:10.159
Yeah.

00:51:10.719 --> 00:51:18.639
Well, a few weeks ago, I decided because we were just spending way too much food on food, and like you were saying, you feel overweight.

00:51:18.719 --> 00:51:20.480
I wasn't feeling really good.

00:51:20.639 --> 00:51:30.239
I've been losing because I've been purposely working on it, but yet I was like, okay, I still feel like I have a gluten thing or something.

00:51:30.480 --> 00:51:34.000
So then I switched, I got rid of the gluten, and I was feeling better.

00:51:34.159 --> 00:51:36.800
I can feel like the inflammation is gone.

00:51:37.039 --> 00:51:49.840
Um, but then I decided to go, of course, a step further, and I went through my shelves and I went through the fridge and I started scanning everything with this yucca app.

00:51:50.159 --> 00:52:00.960
And then things that I thought were really good, even some tuna packets, had some things in it that were actually, I swear, we are being poisoned.

00:52:01.119 --> 00:52:02.239
I really believe that.

00:52:02.400 --> 00:52:03.280
I believe it too.

00:52:03.440 --> 00:52:04.079
I do.

00:52:04.559 --> 00:52:12.000
And we feel awful, I think, as a whole, because of the things that we're putting into our body.

00:52:12.880 --> 00:52:16.239
So now my one son, he'll say, Is this poisonous?

00:52:16.320 --> 00:52:23.440
Because that's what we call those red circles that have like the number 10 on it that has all these things listed.

00:52:23.519 --> 00:52:31.119
And then you click on it and you see that we I was eating this candy that I thought it's got dark chocolate, it's cocoa.

00:52:31.280 --> 00:52:36.880
It's supposed to be really good for you because it's got like 80% cocoa in it versus, you know, all the junk.

00:52:37.119 --> 00:52:39.199
And here it ranked low.

00:52:39.360 --> 00:52:42.239
It was poor for pesticides.

00:52:43.440 --> 00:52:43.920
I know.

00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:45.920
I I think we're being poisoned too.

00:52:46.000 --> 00:52:54.159
I've been, it's funny you mentioned that the last two weeks, I've been purposely, well, my dinners for the last six weeks have purposely been clean.

00:52:54.320 --> 00:52:55.280
I've been eating clean.

00:52:55.360 --> 00:53:03.760
I've ordered for the chef, and I have had um, I pick up a couple meals once a week from him, and it's been amazing.

00:53:03.920 --> 00:53:09.679
And I've made myself some anti-inflammatory meals in the last week, for sure.

00:53:10.239 --> 00:53:15.119
I have not, I'm telling you, I have not had hardly any sugar.

00:53:15.280 --> 00:53:20.639
Sure, I had a little bit of ketchup with homemade corn dogs that I made, um, which that's not clean eating.

00:53:20.719 --> 00:53:23.039
I get that, but my kids wanted corn dogs.

00:53:23.119 --> 00:53:28.320
Um, I've been really purposely trying to, when I eat uh chips are a weakness.

00:53:28.480 --> 00:53:34.000
And instead of eating half of the bag, because that can happen quickly, I've been able to limit it to just a handful.

00:53:34.239 --> 00:53:38.320
And actually in the last week, I've lost two pounds, which is great, or maybe two weeks.

00:53:38.400 --> 00:53:38.880
I'm not sure.

00:53:38.960 --> 00:53:41.039
But anyway, scale's going down a bit.

00:53:41.119 --> 00:53:43.599
I I don't feel as inflamed.

00:53:43.679 --> 00:53:47.039
You know, I don't feel as I did.

00:53:47.199 --> 00:53:55.679
And so I've been making a lot of carrot recipes, a carrot souffle, um, another, I can't even think of what the other carrot meal is that I had made.

00:53:55.760 --> 00:54:00.639
But yeah, really trying to trying to get that under control because I want to feel better.

00:54:00.719 --> 00:54:06.800
So it's always a good thing when we are scanning our food, knowing where it's coming from, making it ourselves fresh.

00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:08.159
We tend to feel better.

00:54:08.639 --> 00:54:11.679
Yeah, I got the chickpea mac and cheese, and I thought, okay, great.

00:54:11.840 --> 00:54:13.119
You know, this is really good.

00:54:13.280 --> 00:54:20.159
I feel good, but then there was um bad stuff in the uh powder, right?

00:54:20.800 --> 00:54:22.400
So now I'm getting rid of that.

00:54:22.480 --> 00:54:35.679
And now I just went and I bought chickpea noodles and protein noodles that are gluten-free, and then I'm getting it, I'm gonna make those, and then I'm just gonna make my own mac and cheese, you know, without that powder stuff.

00:54:35.920 --> 00:54:38.719
So I'm just it's a relearning and everything.

00:54:38.960 --> 00:54:42.639
Uh, but I'm glad I'm kind of passing that down to them.

00:54:42.719 --> 00:54:57.039
And they're actually because my one son, he was eating honey nut Cheerios for breakfast because I thought it was better for him and he likes it, but then all this stuff was in it, and so he I just can't believe this that we're eating.

00:54:57.199 --> 00:54:58.320
It is super hard.

00:54:58.639 --> 00:54:59.199
So hard.

00:54:59.360 --> 00:54:59.599
Yeah.

00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:01.199
So we're going fresh.

00:55:01.440 --> 00:55:15.519
We're we're trying our best to feel better because when you're dealing with all this, like you said, it's a balancing, and we have to help ourselves physically as we're going into these little battles or wars throughout the day.

00:55:15.840 --> 00:55:16.159
Yeah.

00:55:16.320 --> 00:55:19.039
I mean, and think about that, your gut's tied to your brain.

00:55:19.119 --> 00:55:21.679
So it is the mind-body connection.

00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:24.800
The better you feel, the better your brain will probably feel.

00:55:24.880 --> 00:55:34.159
And I mean, I I I can all I don't know exactly what it is, but I can tell you the last two days I felt so much more of a clarity, brain fog.

00:55:34.719 --> 00:55:38.079
You know, and that's good for me, just given my mom's situation.

00:55:38.239 --> 00:55:40.880
But also it tells me that I must have been really inflamed.

00:55:41.039 --> 00:55:46.000
Something's not, you know, sitting well with me that I had been eating before, just that buildup.

00:55:46.079 --> 00:55:47.760
You know, think of your belly as a fishbowl.

00:55:47.840 --> 00:55:53.360
The more crap you put into it that it can't have, it's filling up, filling up, filling up until it eventually overflows.

00:55:53.599 --> 00:55:56.079
And so it's so good that that you're doing that.

00:55:56.159 --> 00:56:01.519
And I love that we are ending on that note because it's good to end with a positive.

00:56:01.599 --> 00:56:04.079
It's good to end with something encouraging.

00:56:04.239 --> 00:56:09.679
Eventually, I will be able to dig out of the snow where we are, and we will be able to be outside again.

00:56:09.840 --> 00:56:12.000
And that's where my exercise comes in.

00:56:12.079 --> 00:56:12.800
I'm not a gym.

00:56:13.440 --> 00:56:14.719
I don't want to do that.

00:56:15.039 --> 00:56:20.719
I I will something will ignite in me and I will be able to get myself under control.

00:56:21.599 --> 00:56:37.360
I haven't I have been getting on the treadmill, and it's kind of funny because now every time, not every time, but just about every time I get on the treadmill, I think of you because you told me you told me that you had years without the handles, and then you went right off the back.

00:56:37.440 --> 00:56:42.000
I mean, I just laugh every single time because I, you know, I hold on to make sure.

00:56:42.559 --> 00:56:46.639
My walking pad makes a really good display against the wall.

00:56:46.800 --> 00:56:47.840
That's where it has been.

00:56:47.920 --> 00:56:52.559
I've used it one time, maybe twice, very disappointed in myself.

00:56:52.639 --> 00:56:55.599
But here's the deal: I brought my rowing machine back in the house.

00:56:55.760 --> 00:57:00.960
I've only used it once in like two weeks, but I did use but I did want to say one last thing.

00:57:01.119 --> 00:57:04.960
This reminded me, I bought one of those vibration plates.

00:57:05.119 --> 00:57:06.880
It's a board that you stand on.

00:57:07.119 --> 00:57:08.559
Yes, I've seen them.

00:57:08.800 --> 00:57:18.000
And I gotta tell you, I have don't know that it's working anything for weight loss or anything like that, but it helps with my anxiety and actually Does it?

00:57:18.239 --> 00:57:18.639
Oh, yeah.

00:57:19.280 --> 00:57:20.719
Why do you think?

00:57:21.039 --> 00:57:24.239
It just feels good almost like you're shaking it all out.

00:57:24.320 --> 00:57:25.280
That's the best way I can.

00:57:25.760 --> 00:57:34.000
Oh, so a big body movement kind of thing, like a squeeze or a hug, or you know, my boys, when they get worked up, they have to wrestle.

00:57:34.559 --> 00:57:35.119
Yep.

00:57:35.360 --> 00:57:39.119
So it must be that that that type of what's it called?

00:57:39.280 --> 00:57:41.039
Pro not proprietary.

00:57:41.119 --> 00:57:48.239
It's um I can't think of the word for when you need that touch, when you need that like deep contact.

00:57:48.559 --> 00:57:49.199
Oh, it's a real thing.

00:57:49.280 --> 00:57:50.800
Well, it's sensory overload.

00:57:50.880 --> 00:57:51.840
I don't know.

00:57:52.239 --> 00:57:52.719
Yeah.

00:57:53.039 --> 00:57:54.480
Regulation when you have to regulate.

00:57:55.199 --> 00:57:55.920
It begins with a P.

00:57:56.079 --> 00:57:56.559
I know it.

00:57:56.639 --> 00:58:00.400
I just can't think of the word right now, but I love the vibration plate.

00:58:00.480 --> 00:58:01.599
It's been really, really helpful.

00:58:01.840 --> 00:58:02.880
My kids have even used it.

00:58:02.960 --> 00:58:05.519
I think they're just using it because they're like, oh, mom's doing it.

00:58:05.599 --> 00:58:06.239
This is fun.

00:58:06.320 --> 00:58:09.440
And to see like how much it jiggles their little bellies.

00:58:09.679 --> 00:58:13.440
But for me, it's actually really helped with when I'm feeling anxious.

00:58:13.519 --> 00:58:16.480
It just helps get it out and calm me down.

00:58:16.559 --> 00:58:19.039
And I really like it for that reason.

00:58:20.239 --> 00:58:21.599
Well, we can end on this.

00:58:21.840 --> 00:58:28.320
You know, one of the things that I've really loved about this episode is real life is messy.

00:58:28.400 --> 00:58:28.559
Yeah.

00:58:28.880 --> 00:58:31.760
But that is where connection lives.

00:58:32.000 --> 00:58:34.880
And I think that that is just so true.

00:58:35.280 --> 00:58:35.840
It is.

00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:36.960
It definitely is.

00:58:37.119 --> 00:58:41.039
If you are navigating something heavy right now, you are not alone.

00:58:41.199 --> 00:58:44.480
We are here, we are in the real, the raw, the in-between.

00:58:44.719 --> 00:58:50.800
One of the most important things I believe we can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.

00:58:51.119 --> 00:58:52.320
I believe that 100%.

00:58:52.719 --> 00:58:54.800
And that is why we do what we do here.

00:58:55.039 --> 00:59:00.159
Remember, there is always purpose in the pain, and there is hope in the journey.

00:59:00.400 --> 00:59:04.000
And we love you so much from Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:59:04.159 --> 00:59:06.480
Thank you so much for supporting us.

00:59:06.880 --> 00:59:08.719
We'll see you next time.