Feb. 7, 2026

Diagnosis Day: Neurodivergent Parenting-A Segment of Real Talk with Tina and Ann

Send us a text Today on Real Talk with Tina and Ann we are talking about neurodivergence and share a raw, practical look at “diagnosis day,” advocacy, and the tools that actually help our kids thrive. Nothing about our kids changed with labels; only our map did, and that map guides support with less shame and more clarity. • early signs, and the long road to evaluation • diagnosis day emotions of relief and grief • processing speed, executive function, shutdowns, and transitions • written ex...

Today on Real Talk with Tina and Ann we are talking about neurodivergence and share a raw, practical look at “diagnosis day,” advocacy, and the tools that actually help our kids thrive. Nothing about our kids changed with labels; only our map did, and that map guides support with less shame and more clarity.

• early signs, and the long road to evaluation
• diagnosis day emotions of relief and grief
• processing speed, executive function, shutdowns, and transitions
• written expression disorder, dysgraphia, and speech-to-text wins
• homeschooling choices, hands-on learning, and fewer words
• school trust breaks, IEP rights, and practical advocacy
• services, therapies, and redefining success on a personal timeline
• balancing hope and fear while carrying the caregiver load

Thank you so much for listening and being a part of this show

#autism, #fetalalcohol, #adhd, #DiGeorgeSyndrome, #neurodivergence,

Support the show

@Real Talk with Tina and Ann

Chapters

00:08 - Setting The New Show Focus

00:58 - Centering Neurodivergence And Lived Experience

03:43 - Adoption Story And Early Signs

06:53 - The Testing Marathon And Diagnosis Day

09:50 - New Labels: Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, Dysgraphia

12:49 - Written Expression Barriers And Workarounds

16:22 - Discovering Speech To Text Wins

20:00 - Processing Speed, Executive Function, Transitions

24:33 - Shutdowns And Softer Transitions

27:41 - Pragmatics, Social Strain, And Therapies

31:20 - Why Homeschooling Became Essential

35:45 - Hands‑On Learning And Fewer Words

39:50 - Appointments, Tools, And Acceptance

43:06 - Relief And Grief After Diagnosis

47:06 - Redefining Success And Timelines

51:06 - When Schools’ Expectations Don’t Fit

Transcript

WEBVTT

00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:10.320
Well, welcome, Real Talkers.

00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:20.000
Um, I am Anne, and Tina and I have been talking about having different segments within Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:00:20.239 --> 00:00:23.120
We are uh many things.

00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:30.239
We are neurodivergence, we are trauma, we are mental health, we are overcoming.

00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:34.159
Um, really the thread through all of that is overcoming.

00:00:34.640 --> 00:00:43.119
But when Tina and I were talking about our format and what we want to do, uh, we wanted to start narrowing it.

00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:57.200
Um, we wanted to start really honing in on some certain ones that we are and really push, you know, who we are and what we believe in.

00:00:58.320 --> 00:01:18.640
And I gotta tell you, one of the main ones that we're gonna be talking about on a pretty regular basis, and you can tune in when uh this topic hits you, and it's neurodivergence, and it can come in any form.

00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:29.680
There are so many different forms of neurodivergence, and in my household we have a lot of neurodivergence.

00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:48.400
Um I come from a place where you know it's I understand it and I know it, and I've lived it since I was born and three of my kids, and I'm a caregiver, a parent of people with neurodivergence.

00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:52.239
Uh I've also worked in the field.

00:01:52.480 --> 00:02:04.799
I have a master's degree, and you know, my whole entire uh thing with neurodivergence is uh it's okay when it happens with me.

00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:06.480
I have figured it out.

00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:12.000
I I was a kid that was, you know, really struggled in school.

00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:21.599
And and uh they said I probably would not graduate high school and I figured it out all the way to a master's degree and taught myself how to learn.

00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:31.520
Well, my kids are a different story, and it's different when you're the parent and you're the one that's advocating for them.

00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:48.319
I have uh I adopted the these three kids, and one was two months, and one was 18 months, and one was four years, just almost four years, and he was nonverbal.

00:02:48.960 --> 00:02:52.560
Uh, so I mean, we already knew that he had challenges.

00:02:53.439 --> 00:03:06.080
So one day, uh, we my one son and I spent the entire day at a fecal fetal alcohol center clinic, and uh it was quite a long day.

00:03:06.240 --> 00:03:26.400
I don't know if any of you have other ever had a lot of testing, whether it be autism or fetal alcohol syndrome, um, or any really any kind of neurodivergence where you go to a neuropsychologist or developmental, um, neurodevelopmental, whatever it is.

00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:31.039
I mean, there's just so many testings and pieces parts to the whole entire thing.

00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:36.719
It's it's not uh just go in and say, I have this symptom, and then you get diagnosed.

00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:42.960
I mean, it's pretty a substantial thing that you have to go through.

00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:48.800
And so then, you know, I knew that yesterday was diagnosis day, you know.

00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:52.960
That's what I came out of this with, you know, diagnosis day.

00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:54.159
Hmm.

00:03:55.439 --> 00:04:08.800
You know, my son, um, he just got several more diagnoses yesterday, and actually they added um a lot more than I even expected.

00:04:08.879 --> 00:04:10.000
I was a little shocked.

00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:17.680
I mean, I know he has autism, I know he has ADHD, and I really did start thinking that he had fetal alcohol syndrome.

00:04:17.759 --> 00:04:24.560
I I mean, I was pretty sure of it because his brother has it, and uh, they're related, so I was pretty sure.

00:04:24.800 --> 00:04:31.920
So we did end up getting anxiety, which I mean that goes along with really all of this that's been going on.

00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.920
Um, he also got some things I'd never heard of.

00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:48.000
Um, well, he does have written expression disorder, and I knew I mean, when he went in, they it was so bad he he couldn't even get scored.

00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:58.480
And I knew that because I'm homeschooling him and he reached a point in school that he wasn't able to be in school anymore.

00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:04.160
So we ended up pulling him from school, and um, it was the right decision.

00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:09.439
And the more I learned about him yesterday, it really was the right decision.

00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:27.279
So he's um unable to take his thoughts because of his low executive functioning and because of his which he has something called dysgraphia, which I had never even heard of that before.

00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:35.759
But it's because he has low uh motor skills, gross motor and fine motor.

00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:49.519
So because of that and his executive functioning and a bunch of other things that are going on with him, he's unable to take what's in here in the brain and put it down on paper.

00:05:49.680 --> 00:05:52.000
But he can talk all day.

00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:58.079
I mean, he doesn't have a problem saying what he's thinking, and so he's only in third grade.

00:05:58.160 --> 00:06:14.160
So we were going to end up having to um try to figure out different ways that we could help him because you know he where he's learning writing, writing longer papers, um, which he just can't do.

00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:16.879
I mean, it takes him 10 minutes to write his name.

00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:19.360
So we I've been avoiding that.

00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:20.399
I'm not gonna lie.

00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:22.319
I mean, I've been avoiding it.

00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:29.759
But then somebody had said something to me about speech detects, and I was like, oh, well, that's really awesome.

00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:30.800
Let's just do that.

00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.560
So in one of his programs, you know, we had that.

00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:40.000
And so he just said the whole entire paper that he wanted to say.

00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:48.079
And it was like playing something with Fortnite or the Titanic, that was one of his papers because he's knows so much about the Titanic.

00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:56.879
And he just started, you know, saying all these things, and we grouped them in paragraphs and we we did everything, edited it.

00:06:57.279 --> 00:07:03.279
Uh, and he was so proud of it because he has not been able to do that, you know.

00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:07.839
I mean, I was just so proud of him for being so proud of himself.

00:07:08.079 --> 00:07:13.120
And he ended up um, we printed it and he was reading his paper to people.

00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:23.279
And I'm just like, I mean, you know, when I was growing up, we didn't have those skills, we didn't have those abilities to be able to just do speech to text.

00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:28.160
We had to figure it out and write, even though it was difficult.

00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:34.480
So, you know, some people have a lot of mixed messages about AI and different things like that.

00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:40.720
But I'll tell you, those kind of things are the things that I'm really grateful for for my kids.

00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:50.639
But I do want to talk about this, not as a clinician, but as a and or as a professional, because honestly, I don't know it as that.

00:07:51.120 --> 00:08:01.839
Um, but I am a parent who walked into an appointment hoping to clarify some things that were going on with him.

00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:08.399
And I walked out carrying answers and I was overwhelmed at the same time.

00:08:08.720 --> 00:08:21.199
So anybody that understands um what it's like to go through diagnosis day is uh, you know, it can be a scary thing because it it's complicated.

00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:33.679
There is relief, you know, there there's validation, and there's a quiet moment when you realize that parenting just changed again.

00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:36.799
And isn't that interesting?

00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:55.440
And it it a lot of it has to do with I I'm not even gonna say expectations, because I believe that no matter what your diagnosis, that the sky's the limit and nobody can put limitations on you.

00:08:55.759 --> 00:09:00.480
Um I think what it does come down to it's just how do we get there?

00:09:01.120 --> 00:09:02.559
How do we get there?

00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:05.759
And it's okay.

00:09:06.000 --> 00:09:10.240
Things are just gonna be a little harder, but we're gonna get there.

00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:14.240
And I already knew that they were hard because I spend every day with him.

00:09:14.480 --> 00:09:18.480
So I know how this kid, how hard it is to school him.

00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:21.360
Um, but anyway, we will get there.

00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:28.799
Uh, and I'm glad that we know because, you know, now we we can use the right tools.

00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:38.240
People, and I do know some people that have chosen not to go the route of diagnosis, and I don't blame them for that.

00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:41.840
I mean, it everybody's walk is what they need to do.

00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:46.720
Um, but I want to use the tools that are out there for my kid.

00:09:47.039 --> 00:09:59.279
And I always say, you know, don't be ashamed of a diagnosis because it really does help you know what you need to do in order to be your best self.

00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:01.919
Uh, and it doesn't hold you back either.

00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:04.559
Uh, somebody had said that to me recently.

00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:10.240
It doesn't hold you back to know that you have autism or to know that you're fetal alcohol.

00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:14.960
I really do believe that it just helps you better navigate the world.

00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:16.159
That's all.

00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:22.480
And I think after you get to the diagnosis, the real work begins.

00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:24.639
And it's not the paperwork anymore.

00:10:24.799 --> 00:10:27.679
I mean, I've done, I've filled out many paperworks.

00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:36.799
Um, it's and it's not about the label, it's it's about the understanding because the words themselves are only the beginning.

00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:41.840
What matters is what it means in everyday life.

00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:49.120
When they told me that his processing speed is really slow, I mean, it really didn't surprise me.

00:10:49.360 --> 00:11:13.759
I realized how fat um how often that I had been speaking too fast, giving too many instructions, watching him shut down when we were uh looking at a video that was too much instruction, too many words, expecting responses that his brain simply didn't have time to organize, you know, in his head.

00:11:14.000 --> 00:11:17.600
And processing speed is not about intelligence.

00:11:17.840 --> 00:11:20.320
That's the thing that you have to really do.

00:11:20.559 --> 00:11:21.440
I mean, it's fine.

00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:24.559
All of these things don't have anything to do with intelligence.

00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:31.840
I mean, uh, when you test my IQ, um, it's something like 130, 135, or something like that.

00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:36.559
But then when you factor in the working memory, it's like 69.

00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:47.200
It's all about knowing how, like I said, his brain needs space between input and output.

00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:48.720
And I understand that.

00:11:49.519 --> 00:12:11.759
So when when he's giving multiple demands at once, it's not that he doesn't know what to respond, or that it's not that he doesn't want to respond, it's that his system becomes overwhelmed trying to hold everything at the same time.

00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:17.279
Executive functioning, that's the tricky one.

00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:23.519
And he has a very low executive functioning, and so do I.

00:12:23.840 --> 00:12:48.480
And those kind of challenges show up as task avoidance many times, but avoidance is not laziness and it's protection, it's the nervous system recognizing that something feels off, that something feels too big, too complex, or too fast.

00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:58.000
And also, you know, transitions are a really big one, and transitions are hard and sometimes incredibly hard.

00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:17.759
What feels like a small change to other people can feel like a cliff edge to him or other people in this situation, and moving from one activity to another requires more support, more warning, more patience.

00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:18.960
And we do that.

00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:31.120
I mean, it's like, okay, we're gonna be leaving in 15 minutes, then 10 minutes, then five minutes, you know, and even give me more uh time after that.

00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:32.320
And I'm the same thing.

00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:36.720
I'm the last one to leave the house when we leave because I have to come in several times.

00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:44.879
I have to just it's it's this thing that I have to prepare myself to move on to the next thing.

00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:47.279
And I know that about myself.

00:13:47.759 --> 00:13:49.919
And shutdown does happen.

00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:57.519
It does happen with him, it happens with me and lots of other people in this situation, and it's not defiance.

00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:05.120
It is an it's not an attitude, it is the brain saying that I can't process anymore right now.

00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:13.840
Understanding that change, how I respond, how we respond as a parent.

00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:20.240
You know, I stopped pushing harder and I started creating softer transitions.

00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:30.000
The other thing that came up that I kind of mentioned was that written expression is really hard for him.

00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:33.440
And, you know, he's right there at the written expression disorder.

00:14:33.600 --> 00:14:39.759
They said that he basically has it, but he scored too low to even score it because he couldn't write.

00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:48.240
And um, like I said about dysgraphia, you know, the those completely shifted how we approach learning.

00:14:48.480 --> 00:14:53.440
Uh and I knew those things, but I didn't have names for them.

00:14:53.759 --> 00:15:03.279
So writing by hand, like I told you earlier, if it's too difficult, there is nothing wrong with finding a different way.

00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:07.840
It's just exhausting neurologically and physically.

00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:15.519
It's so exhausting neurologically and physically to be able to do those things when your brain won't let you.

00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:19.840
So speech detects is the thing that we decided to do.

00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:25.840
It's not a shortcut, it's not an excuse, it's accessibility.

00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:29.440
And I am very happy that he can do those things.

00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:34.159
He has so many ideas and thoughts, and he just needs a different path to express them.

00:15:34.240 --> 00:15:43.600
So please don't ever think that your child is taking a shortcut if they need to use speech to text socially.

00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:50.720
He is the absolute sweetest kid.

00:15:52.000 --> 00:16:23.360
And it just breaks my heart because he he loves everybody, he's the first one to run up to people and give them a hug, and he recognizes everybody, but he didn't get a lot of that in return, and he has developed a toughness about him that I hate that he's had to do.

00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:32.960
Um because, you know, he doesn't have the pragmatic communication, which it's so much different than language.

00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:47.759
Um it's it's an understanding of what's coming in the brain, and really being able to have a back and forth conversation, you know.

00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:57.039
Um, kids with autism and FASD, any a lot of neurodivergence can be so literal.

00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:11.279
And being able to really grasp what's going on in language and understand the world around you and what's really happening and what's really being said um is is very difficult.

00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:20.160
And sometimes it's even people will say, well, he's really intelligent, he's really smart, um, because he has the language.

00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:34.160
But when you don't have the pragmatic piece, I mean that's he he can just have a completely different conversation with people than they're having, and he doesn't even know it.

00:17:35.200 --> 00:17:38.480
So he talks over people, you know.

00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:46.480
I mean, he he doesn't understand that other people aren't interested or aren't listening.

00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:59.759
You know, adults are great with him, adults know exactly what to do, but it's his peers, and they just tune out, of course, or they walk away, or they look at him like he's strange.

00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:04.640
And so I feel really bad for him in those circumstances.

00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:16.319
So, of course, I mean, some of the things that we have to do, and he was in speech, and they actually dismissed him in speech because he had such great language.

00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:22.079
Um, but it's not that, like I said, so they have to learn to work on other things.

00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:24.319
He has occupational therapy.

00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:31.039
We we have a lot of medical appointments again that we're going to reschedule because um he had been dismissed.

00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:36.799
And now because we have these diagnoses, it can back up everything that we've been saying.

00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:40.400
And they're specifically putting them in in a different way.

00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:48.400
And I don't know if it's coding or what, but so they're actually he's actually gonna get the help that he needs now.

00:18:48.960 --> 00:19:11.359
You know, social rules don't come naturally to him or a lot of people that have these types of neurodivergence, and they are learned intentionally, and that means that patience, repetition, and celebrating effort instead of perfection, and that's what we've had to do.

00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:21.680
You know, his developmental coordination challenges also affect this because he's very awkward, I guess I could say.

00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:31.839
Uh, and things that seem simple from the outside require more effort internally for him.

00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:50.400
And um, he definitely has the autism run, and he's he's got a lot of work on, he has a lot of work to do when it comes to gay uh when it comes to fine motor and gross motor.

00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:59.599
And then, you know, when you throw anxiety into the mix and you begin to understand how heavy the world can feel to him sometimes.

00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:07.599
And this is where homeschooling really did become a part of our journey, not because we gave up on traditional education.

00:20:08.559 --> 00:20:14.960
There were some things that absolutely happened in our in his traditional education.

00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:26.720
And uh, you know, and and anybody that is listening can tell me what you think about this because he was in a class and he was absolutely doing his best in first grade.

00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:39.759
And it ended up where he um it it was a place, it was a classroom environment where they earned bucks, dollars for and they could buy things.

00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:44.960
And he was saving up actually to eat lunch with his teacher.

00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:47.119
That really meant a lot to him.

00:20:47.680 --> 00:21:07.839
And what ended up happening was she um he during a lockdown drill, which look, it was first grade, and I know that he should have been not giggling through a little hole in a desk where a kid had his eye up against, and my son could see his eye, and they were kind of giggling about it.

00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:10.079
And the teacher told him to be quiet.

00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:11.839
This was a lockdown drill.

00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:18.319
Well, the kid did it again, and they ended up laughing again, and it was a little small giggle.

00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:20.000
I am not excusing that.

00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:21.839
He should not have done that.

00:21:22.079 --> 00:21:25.200
Um, again, he was what six?

00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:34.720
But the teacher had him in front of the class come over, and she said, Give me all of your dollars that he had already earned.

00:21:35.599 --> 00:21:44.000
You don't take away what a child has already earned, and he wouldn't go to school anymore.

00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:48.640
So, I mean, I we tried everything.

00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:54.799
And even the head of one of the departments came to our house.

00:21:55.039 --> 00:22:01.440
And the only thing that I didn't agree with her how she handled it, because our school just Is great.

00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:08.319
I really don't even like ever saying anything negative about the district itself because of how much I care about my kids.

00:22:10.240 --> 00:22:14.640
But she did say, you know, I don't know why you think going to school is a choice.

00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:23.039
And, you know, it's it we have to realize and we have to take the whole child into perspective and not just it.

00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:27.440
He didn't, I don't even think he saw the choice at the moment.

00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:28.640
He was scared.

00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:30.160
He was upset.

00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:33.279
Um, he had been betrayed.

00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:38.799
He had learned, look, I worked really hard for these things, and she embarrassed me.

00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:44.720
She um took everything I earned, and he was crushed.

00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:46.400
He was crushed.

00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:50.400
And so then we did end up going to another elementary school.

00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:56.000
And then it ended up that uh the principal wasn't honest with him two times.

00:22:56.960 --> 00:23:00.880
And so that really affected him.

00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:05.039
And it got to the point where we were just like, you know what, you're just gonna be home.

00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:11.200
And he was not able to stay in the classroom, and he kept getting into um trouble.

00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:17.440
Not huge troubles, but enough where he needed to, you know, start.

00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:19.920
He he just wasn't able to regulate.

00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:21.359
Let's put it that way.

00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:23.279
He wasn't able to regulate.

00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:28.160
So I'm really glad that we um decided to keep him home.

00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:34.640
He needs hands-on learning, and there's a lot of kids that are in this situation.

00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:48.480
We switched to really amazing online programs that he can get on there and he can just is he can do it himself now.

00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:51.680
I mean, he just gets on and it's really hands-on learning.

00:23:51.839 --> 00:24:00.000
But as soon as we hit uh a program where there's a lot of words, all he hears is blah, blah, blah.

00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:05.119
And I always I even wrote for Autism Speaks one time, and and that was the name of it.

00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:07.119
All I hear is blah, blah, blah.

00:24:07.359 --> 00:24:14.079
Um, too many words isn't good for anybody that has these types of neurodivergence.

00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:23.599
So the less words to explain what they have to learn and the task itself and what is expected, the better.

00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:35.599
So he just gets on and he plays um these really interactive games, like, and and he he's really learned from it.

00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:40.319
He can do all of the grammar skills that he needed to learn for third grade already.

00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:44.160
And we're not even done with the year um and math.

00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:49.279
So, and he he does about three to four hours a day of school.

00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:56.160
And it's there's some days that he'll say, Oh my gosh, I didn't even know that we had been doing school that long.

00:24:56.319 --> 00:25:01.119
So that should tell you how great these hands-on programs are.

00:25:01.359 --> 00:25:06.400
And I'm I'm not, I don't have them as sponsors or anything.

00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:12.480
Um, but Splash Learn is really one of his favorites.

00:25:12.640 --> 00:25:17.440
Um, IXL is an amazing one that he uses.

00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:24.079
Um, because he, you know, and one of the things is is earning, and and they can't take it away from him.

00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:34.799
He gets stickers and it's like really online sticker, and he just clicks on it, and then there's a sticker that comes up on the screen, and he's so excited about it.

00:25:34.960 --> 00:25:37.599
I mean, it's just those really small things.

00:25:37.839 --> 00:25:41.279
So it doesn't take much to make these kids happy.

00:25:41.440 --> 00:25:49.359
If we do end up talking too much, um, it creates cognitive fatigue, and that doesn't help anybody.

00:25:50.079 --> 00:26:12.960
And then on the other side of that, I kind of mentioned it a little bit, but there are many appointments that we have: doctors, therapies, behavioral support, not because he's broken, but because his nervous system needs tools to navigate a world that moves much faster than he can process.

00:26:13.119 --> 00:26:19.839
And I've always said, you know, that my brain is always tired because I'm trying to make it in a world that wasn't meant for me.

00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:27.359
There was a moment after we got the diagnosis when everything got really quiet for me.

00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:39.359
Not outside, inside me, because I remember looking at my child and thinking, nothing about him changed today.

00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:44.000
He is still the same kid that he was yesterday.

00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:56.319
He is he still laughs the same way, he still has the same interests, the same heart, the same spirit.

00:26:57.920 --> 00:27:27.920
The only thing that changed was that it was validated what I was already thinking, and that realization hit me hard because diagnosis doesn't create the child that you see, it reveals the child who has always been there, and in that moment, I felt two things at the same time.

00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:41.039
I do feel relief because I already knew, and I'm very grateful for our team of people that help my kids, and and it gives you a language for what we're experiencing.

00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:51.440
I also feel a grief because I knew that the world might not always understand him the way I do, and that's really hard to.

00:27:53.039 --> 00:28:11.920
I mean, it's like I feel like I'm his one-on-one, but I feel like I need to be that for the rest of his life, and I can't be, and that's really hard for me, and I know that God will provide for him through his life.

00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:19.119
I just want always everybody to be nice and kind and understanding to him.

00:28:19.519 --> 00:28:20.960
That's what I want.

00:28:21.599 --> 00:28:23.440
I mean, isn't that what we all want?

00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:26.559
I mean, he offers that to other people.

00:28:27.039 --> 00:28:32.079
He offers the kindness to them, but then he doesn't get it back.

00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:38.960
And that that's so hard, that's so hard to watch.

00:28:39.680 --> 00:28:59.680
But it's this moment where you hold both hope and fear at the same time, you know, when when you're proud of your child and exhausted from from fighting for them, because we know as parents, as advocates, that what we do is advocate for our kids.

00:28:59.839 --> 00:29:03.599
We would fight for them all day long if we have to, and I do.

00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:13.759
Um, when you love them exactly as they are, but still worry about how hard things might be for them.

00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:26.240
You know, if you've ever sat in that space where love and overwhelm exist together, I really do want you to know something that you're not weak for feeling both.

00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:27.680
We are human.

00:29:29.279 --> 00:29:33.599
This is not easy because these are our kids.

00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:39.039
Like I said, it was easy for me to feel these things about myself.

00:29:39.279 --> 00:29:42.480
I'm fine, but not my kid.

00:29:43.039 --> 00:29:44.400
It's difficult.

00:29:44.880 --> 00:29:51.039
And and this is the part that people don't talk about enough, you know, what diagnosis does to the caregiver.

00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:57.279
Diagnosis is not just information, it is emotional whiplash.

00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:04.000
You you feel relief because you finally have answers.

00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:09.680
You feel grief because you realize that the road may be harder than you imagined.

00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:14.720
You feel guilt wondering if you missed something and maybe we should have got here sooner.

00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:18.480
You know, you can't second guess really.

00:30:18.640 --> 00:30:25.279
You feel fierce protectiveness because now you understand how much support your child truly needs.

00:30:25.519 --> 00:30:36.240
And sometimes you feel completely exhausted because you are managing appointments and therapies and education plans and everyday life at the same time.

00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:41.519
And I know that because I have three kids where, you know, that's where my focus is.

00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:57.519
You become the advocate, the coordinator, the translator between professionals and the person who sees your child's strengths, even when systems focus on deficits.

00:30:57.839 --> 00:31:01.200
You know, that's what you are.

00:31:01.440 --> 00:31:08.720
You're the person who sees your child's strengths, even when all you're hearing is deficits.

00:31:09.359 --> 00:31:17.519
And if you are listening to this and feel overwhelmed, that doesn't mean that you are failing.

00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:20.319
It means that you're carrying something heavy.

00:31:21.039 --> 00:31:23.440
And that's what we do as parents, isn't it?

00:31:24.640 --> 00:31:56.720
What has helped us is learning to adapt instead of resist the speech to text instead of forcing handwriting, hands-on learning instead of passive listening, fewer words, clear expectations, one task at a time, and most importantly, there can be a redefining of success, but I just think it's a redefining in how to get there.

00:31:56.960 --> 00:31:58.480
That's how I see it.

00:31:58.799 --> 00:32:03.200
Success doesn't look like keeping up with everyone else's timeline.

00:32:03.359 --> 00:32:08.079
And Tina and I just had a podcast on that, on timelines.

00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:13.279
And everybody's timelines are different.

00:32:13.599 --> 00:32:22.799
Success looks like growth that honors how hit how his brain works, how our brains work, and we need to honor that.

00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:30.400
Diagnosis didn't change who he is, and that's what is probably the most important thing.

00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:36.480
It changed how I understand some things, and now I know.

00:32:36.799 --> 00:32:37.839
Now I know.

00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:45.920
It it gave me a map, and maps don't limit us, they guide.

00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:59.039
So if there is one thing that I want you to take with you today, it's this diagnosis is not the moment that your child becomes limited.

00:32:59.839 --> 00:33:01.039
Not at all.

00:33:01.440 --> 00:33:07.839
It's the moment that you gain the language, just support them more deeply.

00:33:08.079 --> 00:33:13.119
Caregiving is not about fixing, it's about learning who they are.

00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:25.920
It's about adjusting, it's about loving someone enough to meet them where they are instead of forcing them to meet expectations that were never designed for them.

00:33:26.240 --> 00:33:29.359
I could say that 50 times.

00:33:29.839 --> 00:33:44.240
It is about loving someone enough to meet them where they are, instead of forcing them to meet expectations that were never designed for them.

00:33:46.480 --> 00:33:50.640
Like I said, I love my school district.

00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:53.440
They are probably one of the best.

00:33:53.680 --> 00:34:03.279
Um, and when I was the director at a school for kids with autism, I can honestly say that our school district is better than all the ones that we dealt with there.

00:34:03.680 --> 00:34:12.079
Uh, they really do try with everything in them, at least in my experience, to meet them where they are.

00:34:12.960 --> 00:34:17.280
I mean, I've heard things from other parents that don't line up with that.

00:34:17.599 --> 00:34:24.480
But I know in my experience that they have done that for me and my three kids.

00:34:24.880 --> 00:34:33.760
Um, but with that said, it's really hard still because there are expectations.

00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:37.440
There's expectations, and that's what school is all about.

00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:49.519
Um, but and and one of my kids is in a school for kids that are that have differences, and they do the best that they can to meet them where they are.

00:34:49.920 --> 00:34:54.800
My one son um has reached his potential there.

00:34:54.960 --> 00:34:59.599
I mean, he's not right now able to go further.

00:35:00.239 --> 00:35:09.599
And I praise the teachers for continually trying, but his he's not able to regulate anymore.

00:35:10.639 --> 00:35:20.639
He has them the George syndrome and fetal alcohol syndrome and autism and ADHD and a slew of things.

00:35:21.199 --> 00:35:24.639
And it's really hard for him to regulate.

00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:34.079
He walks in the door at school, dysregulated, and then they keep putting on all these expectations.

00:35:34.480 --> 00:35:36.960
Again, that is not their fault.

00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:38.639
That's their job.

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:46.800
Unfortunately, he is completely unable to meet those expectations.

00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:51.599
They just aren't designed for him, they're not designed for his brain.

00:35:53.039 --> 00:35:54.719
And that's just the way it is.

00:35:54.880 --> 00:35:57.039
Um, I I feel bad for him.

00:35:57.199 --> 00:36:06.079
Uh, we're talking about changing his complete day, and now he's gonna go to two hours a day.

00:36:06.320 --> 00:36:37.280
Um, and it's just gonna be like functional learning, you know, and we've been talking about this for a while, but there is no reason to try to make these kids sit in desks and keep learning the same math problems and the same language arts and write paragraphs and paragraphs when really all it's doing is creating uh this dysregulation within themselves.

00:36:37.679 --> 00:36:44.239
And maybe, maybe if there were different ways that they could learn and express.

00:36:44.480 --> 00:36:58.960
I mean, from what I understand, now he's not the most honest person, and there's a whole other part to that with some of these um neurodivergences, and it's not necessarily that they're lying.

00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:12.559
Sometimes he does, he is just a normal kid, but with that said, um he has said that he is asked several times, can he have speech to text?

00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:14.079
And they say no.

00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:17.679
I don't know if that's true.

00:37:18.079 --> 00:37:23.679
But what I do know, whether it's true or not, that's not the point.

00:37:24.079 --> 00:37:32.320
It comes down to allowing our kids who are neurodivergent or adults who are at work.

00:37:33.039 --> 00:37:43.679
If we want them to be their best self, I really honestly believe in allowing them to have these special tools that are provided that they're out there.

00:37:45.199 --> 00:37:48.719
If they're there, why not let them use it?

00:37:48.960 --> 00:37:55.119
I get that he has to write or learn how to write or know where a comma goes and all that stuff.

00:37:55.360 --> 00:38:03.519
Um, but when you're learning it for the third or fourth year in a row, you know, when do you stop doing that?

00:38:03.679 --> 00:38:05.519
At least for my child.

00:38:05.840 --> 00:38:08.880
Um, and like I said, every child is different.

00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:21.119
If you're in the middle of a diagnosis and those appointments and advocacy or simply trying to understand your child better, you know, good for you.

00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.199
I mean, that's where you start.

00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:26.000
These are these are the places that we start.

00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:32.079
It's it's a brave place to be because it's a scary place to be.

00:38:32.800 --> 00:38:40.480
It's not something any parent when they have kids or adopt kids, you know, want to be.

00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:47.840
But I I went in knowing what what could be.

00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:52.559
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:55.119
I mean, yeah.

00:38:55.440 --> 00:38:57.039
Do I like all the appointments?

00:38:57.199 --> 00:39:09.519
Because the other part of that is and this is you know, because I'm autistic and I'm ADHD and I'm fetal alcohol.

00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:14.719
Nobody in a million years thought I could do these things.

00:39:15.039 --> 00:39:31.679
See, they thought I couldn't, but I did, and I am, and I'm really proud of myself for being that person that I am not in any way wanting to even change who I am.

00:39:31.840 --> 00:39:37.599
I'm really proud of who I am, and um I want my kids to be.

00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:42.639
We will work through this, you know.

00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:50.400
Diagnosis day is tough, but it's the beginning of where we've already been.

00:39:50.719 --> 00:39:56.960
I mean, it's not the beginning of um their struggles.

00:39:57.519 --> 00:40:00.719
It's just letting us know that we have the tools.

00:40:00.960 --> 00:40:18.159
But know that when you're going into this that you're not alone and you're not behind, don't blame yourself if your child is in fifth grade and you're saying, I knew all along that there was something wrong and we're just finding out.

00:40:18.400 --> 00:40:21.119
I mean, it's fine, it's a process.

00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:50.079
And sometimes, because my one son who ended up with all these diagnoses, I mean, a slew of them, the first time that he sat across from the neuropsychologist in one of the biggest hospitals in the country, he, my son, non-verbal at almost four, he hit me on the arm and he went, uh.

00:40:52.559 --> 00:41:01.199
And the guy said, the neuropsychologist who was really respected, said, Oh, he's not autistic.

00:41:01.760 --> 00:41:07.119
He actually got your attention and wanted you to look at something.

00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:09.039
He's not autistic.

00:41:09.920 --> 00:41:11.519
Are you kidding me?

00:41:11.920 --> 00:41:16.480
I was like floored that that was what he based it on.

00:41:16.719 --> 00:41:25.119
In every other way, he acted autistic in the room, including being non-verbal at four years old.

00:41:25.920 --> 00:41:27.199
No speech.

00:41:28.079 --> 00:41:31.840
And he was telling me no because he just went like this and went, uh.

00:41:32.960 --> 00:41:43.119
And okay, you might end up going to three or four doctors before you find the right doctor.

00:41:43.760 --> 00:41:51.039
Don't give up, keep going, and keep going until you get what you believe.

00:41:51.199 --> 00:41:55.840
I'll tell you what, we know, moms know.

00:41:56.800 --> 00:42:02.559
We know before the doctors do that there's something wrong with our child.

00:42:03.119 --> 00:42:13.119
And don't give up if you don't like what they said and you don't agree, find another doctor.

00:42:14.239 --> 00:42:20.239
It's it's it's about our children, it's about our child.

00:42:20.480 --> 00:42:30.639
And I often say to these professionals, what would you say or do if this was your child?

00:42:32.159 --> 00:42:33.840
You wouldn't dismiss it.

00:42:34.480 --> 00:42:37.039
I mean, I had been to many.

00:42:37.360 --> 00:42:43.280
I my neuropsychologist, when I was five years old, diagnosed me with all these things.

00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:46.960
The word autism wasn't used at that time.

00:42:47.199 --> 00:43:04.880
Um, I had the umbrella of autism um with a lot of cognitive issues, and my brain was absolutely affected by alcohol, which created some other issues with my eyes and other things.

00:43:05.039 --> 00:43:06.320
There was a lot.

00:43:06.719 --> 00:43:08.000
Um, there still is.

00:43:08.159 --> 00:43:12.079
I mean, it it doesn't go away just because you get older.

00:43:13.440 --> 00:43:25.119
But we went to that doctor, and then, you know, my parents honestly, I have to be honest about this, they really didn't do too much.

00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:29.679
And I think that a lot of it had to do with just the times.

00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:34.480
I mean, we had one special ed classroom.

00:43:34.719 --> 00:43:35.519
That was it.

00:43:35.679 --> 00:43:41.920
We just had one, and people would just go in there and you know, that were a little different.

00:43:42.239 --> 00:43:54.559
But the rest of us, uh, if you if you were able to kind of make it in the regular classroom, and I was barely making it, but they said, well, she's doing okay.

00:43:54.880 --> 00:43:59.760
So they they really didn't do too much, and they made me stay in the mainstream.

00:44:00.639 --> 00:44:02.079
Of the classrooms.

00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:10.079
And I really wish it would have been different because I would have appreciated extra help and tools.

00:44:10.159 --> 00:44:16.320
Now I did get tutoring because I was on the verge of failing most of my classes.

00:44:16.559 --> 00:44:21.920
I didn't end up getting um extra help in the school.

00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:27.599
They would send me down to a room and there would be like a tutor person and they would help me.

00:44:27.760 --> 00:44:37.360
You know, the point is as a parent, you have to fight for your child because they're a child and you can't give up.

00:44:37.679 --> 00:44:54.079
I eventually, as soon as I was old enough and able to, and other people pointed out to me that my disabilities were more significant than what I even realized because times had changed.

00:44:54.239 --> 00:44:55.920
More diagnoses were out.

00:44:56.239 --> 00:44:58.639
I immediately got the autism diagnosis.

00:44:58.719 --> 00:45:00.000
That wasn't even a thing.

00:45:00.159 --> 00:45:01.840
I knew I was autistic.

00:45:02.079 --> 00:45:04.719
Um, but it came pretty fast.

00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:09.440
He spent five minutes with me and knew that I was autistic.

00:45:09.760 --> 00:45:17.760
Um he didn't even need to look at all of the forms, the crazy stuff that you have to look at and listen.

00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:24.000
You know, it's it's just insane what we have to go through in order for the diagnosis to happen.

00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:27.039
But, you know, fight for your child.

00:45:27.280 --> 00:45:31.840
Fight, go from doctor's appointment to doctor's appointment if you need to.

00:45:32.079 --> 00:45:38.480
And don't feel like you're a bother because they can make you feel like you are.

00:45:39.039 --> 00:45:43.360
So don't feel like a bother with the educational system.

00:45:44.079 --> 00:45:45.119
Advocate.

00:45:45.599 --> 00:45:52.320
If you don't, if you can't, if you don't feel like you can do it on your own, get an advocate.

00:45:52.480 --> 00:46:00.559
Get a team of people that you can walk in those rooms and you can sit down and you can let them know what your child needs.

00:46:00.719 --> 00:46:04.000
There's nothing wrong with that to go in and do that.

00:46:04.159 --> 00:46:08.559
In fact, don't let them make decisions without you.

00:46:08.719 --> 00:46:12.239
Don't let them make you think that this is what we're going to do.

00:46:12.559 --> 00:46:19.519
You are a team member of their IEP and of their educational plan.

00:46:20.159 --> 00:46:25.280
And they can't do any changes to the ETR, to the IEPs.

00:46:26.559 --> 00:46:32.480
They can't, they can't um make a decision without you.

00:46:34.079 --> 00:46:37.360
And if you don't agree, don't sign.

00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:39.199
Plain and simple.

00:46:39.599 --> 00:46:43.199
Don't sign until you get what you want.

00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:50.559
And you don't have to um do what the school tells you that your child has to do.

00:46:50.880 --> 00:46:51.599
You don't.

00:46:51.760 --> 00:46:52.960
They don't have to.

00:46:53.199 --> 00:47:01.199
So anyway, you're doing more than you probably realize.

00:47:01.440 --> 00:47:04.880
And that's the thing that you have to give yourself credit.

00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:08.559
I'm sure you're doing more than you realize.

00:47:08.800 --> 00:47:10.719
That's what we do as parents.

00:47:11.199 --> 00:47:18.719
We hold our kids up, we meet them where they are, we accommodate in the home and out of the home.

00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:21.760
And we don't even realize what we're doing.

00:47:22.639 --> 00:47:26.719