Keeping Secrets--a thank you to Mariska Hargitay

I wrote this after I watched 'My mom Jayne' by Mariska Hargitay. I posted it on Real Talk with Tina and Ann...so this is what I wrote.

Being raw and real is what we do here. This is Ann from Real Talk with Tina and Ann. I just watched the Mariska Hargitay movie, My Mom Jayne. I fought back tears. I hurt for her. I felt love for her. I understood her. I related with her. When you come from a family with secrets. You lose your identity along the way. You really are not sure who you are. Who you thought you were, is not who you were at all. What do you do with that? Mariska came out with her truth and got to know her mom in a different way. The woman she had tried so hard to stay distant from in her life and in her career, she ends up embracing. This movie is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen. It gave me permission to be even more real. I think so often times, we are taught not to talk about the real story. We try to be as real...as real as we are allowed to be...as real as we give ourselves permission to be, but in reality, how real are we being? I come on all the time and say what I can say because, you know, it really is about not hurting those in your life. I still stand by that, but when it comes to our lives, as Mariska says in the movie, "A secret doesn't honor anyone." I just did a podcast with someone I would call a friend now, Amy Weinland Daughters. And we just talked about how in the 70's and 80's, we were just taught to not talk about what happened. Secrets were just the culture that we lived in. I'm sure that the secrets that we were either told to keep or the ones that we just knew were not to be spoken of, were just our way. I'm not sure who was at fault and why the times dictated that no one talked about their pain, but evolution has allowed for the real to be more real and to be more honest. I've looked at our pictures as Mariska did. I've looked at what was behind those eyes and the secrets that were kept behind the scenes. Thank you, Mariska, for bringing your secrets to light for all of us to know and for all of us to be given permission to breathe a little more and feel a little more freedom in who we are...who we really are, not just the person that the pictures show. The movie is such a beautiful portrait of discovery and angst but is about embracing those things that we were told not ever to feel and to not ever acknowledge. I see those people before me who have said, or just say with their eyes, don't speak what is real, but live the pretend version of your life. The realities that we are told, but we know are not true. How crazy is it to live in a house where you know there is so much more behind the scenes, but you can never talk about it. I look at that little Ann and now I know why I was so quiet. I understand the pain behind her smile and the love that she wanted so badly. Mariska tells a story for all of us that lived in a house of secrets and lies. She embraced the hard and really isn't that what we all need to do? My family is going through a lot of pain right now and someone asked me how do you stay strong? I said I compartmentalize. I think that was what we were taught to do. I think we were programmed to not feel but keep going. I mean, honestly, that's just life, but maybe we need to stop and allow ourselves to feel what is truly going on in the moment and in reflection. Allow ourselves to breath it in and allow it to be for what it really is. Not what we were told to feel or believe, but what really was! Thank you Mariska for your hard, but very real movie of your life and of your mothers! Thank you!

Picture taken by Ann Kagarise