Family Secrets and Identity: Reclaiming the Narrative They Tried to Write for You

“When you grow up inside a secret, you learn how to survive in silence. But survival isn’t the same as living.”

On this episode of Real Talk with Tina and Ann, I sat down with my dear friend and returning guest Denise Bard to unpack one of the most emotionally loaded topics we’ve ever tackled-family secrets.

Inspired by Mariska Hargitay’s powerful documentary "My Mom, Jane", we opened up about how the things we weren’t told-the truths that were hidden or denied-ended up shaping everything from our self-worth to our sense of reality.

And we're not alone.
According to research, 97% of families keep some form of secret. But when those secrets are tied to trauma, identity, or betrayal, they don’t just get buried. They take root. And they grow into shame, silence, and emotional isolation-especially for children.

🧠 When the Truth Is Hidden, We Lose Ourselves

Denise and I both shared our own experiences of finding out major truths later in life—truths that made us question not just the people around us, but who we thought we were. And that kind of identity shift? It’s jarring. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing someone else's reflection.

And perhaps the most painful part?
Being told something didn’t happen-when you know it did.
That kind of gaslighting creates a form of psychological "crazy-making." It teaches us not to trust our instincts, our memories, or even our pain.

🧬 Inherited Silence, Generational Shame

Secrets don’t just pass down stories—they pass down survival behaviors. We don’t just inherit trauma, we inherit how people learned to bury it.
The silence. The denial. The coping mechanisms.
And unless we name them, they live on through us—and through our children.

But here’s the truth:
We don’t have to keep the story going.
We can choose honesty. We can choose healing. We can say to our children:
“This stops with me.”

✍️ Write Your Own Narrative

Breaking the cycle of secrecy isn’t easy.
Sometimes telling the truth will break something—a relationship, an illusion, a false peace. But maybe… that thing needed to break.

And once it does?
You get to write your own narrative.
One built on truth, transparency, and resilience—not on shame.

💛 You Are Not Alone

If this episode stirred something in you—maybe a memory, a buried truth, or a need to finally speak—it’s okay.
You’re not broken. You’re becoming.
There is purpose in your pain and hope in your healing, even if you’re still somewhere in the middle of it.

And if no one’s ever told you:
You have permission to write a new chapter. One that tells the truth. One that sets you free.

📺 Listen to the full episode now on Real Talk with Tina and Ann
🎧 Available on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, and everywhere you stream your truth.