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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
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I am Tina.
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And I am Anne.
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We are going to be talking about something different today, about non-linear living, living without a timeline.
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I mean, what if everything we did was right on time?
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What if we could remove feeling late to land that job or to start a family or our dream?
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Those invisible timelines we or others put on us to be healed, successful, fully grieved, fully over life's traumas or difficulties.
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You can insert whatever speaks to you, living life without comparison and just fully being who we are right on time.
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Yeah, I've had this exact conversation with someone recently.
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There is so much pressure to be in a certain place in our life, but life is not a straight line.
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Oh my gosh, is it not?
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If life is so nonlinear, why do we expect to reach life's goals or expectations in any linear fashion?
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Isn't that such a good question?
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It's one we could really stop and pause and reflect on for quite some time.
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Well, let's talk about then progress, because progress doesn't always look like constant forward motion.
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We've been taught to believe maybe that progress is always visible, that it moves in one direction ahead, that if you're healing, things should steadily get better.
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But real growth doesn't always work that way.
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Healing is just not a straight line.
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Progress doesn't look like constant forward motion.
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Grief, trauma, and neurodivergence do not follow schedules.
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The myth of closure and being over it does not work on anyone's schedules.
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So I think progress often looks like maybe two steps forward, one step back.
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Maybe feeling strong one day and fragile the next.
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I know that's pretty much me in a nutshell.
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Um, understanding that something intellectually long before your body catches up, or revisiting the same pain, but with slightly more compassion each time.
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That's not failure, it's integration.
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It's just so beautifully said.
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Sometimes progress looks like resting instead of pushing.
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Sometimes it looks like saying no instead of powering through.
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Sometimes it looks like noticing that you're overwhelmed sooner than you used to be.
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I mean, those kind of things matter.
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And a lot of people think healing means you stop feeling, but more often healing means that you recover faster, that you don't abandon yourself when it hurts, then you recognize patterns without being ruled by them, that you choose differently, even when it's uncomfortable.
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And that's not stagnation, that's strength being built quietly.
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And I think I've said this before on a previous episode, but feeling is healing.
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And I truly believe that.
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So some days we're strong, we feel like superwoman.
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And then there are days where we're softer, more tender, not as tough.
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And I just want to say this clearly that's not regression.
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It's not backsliding, it's simply being human.
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We are not meant to be strong in the same way all the time.
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And honestly, Superwoman isn't even real.
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She's a made-up character in a movie.
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So we're not failures because we can't live at that level 24-7.
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I think a big reason that all of this feels confusing is in large part because of social media.
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We are constantly comparing our lives to everyone else's highlight reels.
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We compare our hard seasons to someone else's best moments, or we compare the chapter that we are in in our lives to a completely different season of someone else's life.
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And I think that that's where we can get into trouble.
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But here's the cool thing: this is your one life.
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You don't get a duplicate, you don't get a rehearsal.
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You get to choose how you spend it and what matters to you, what you say yes to, what you protect.
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And you don't need anyone else's permission or opinion to live it well.
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Yeah, you know, I'm older than you, and there were many times in my life where especially living with disabilities, that I was behind my peers.
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But I want to tell you that we all end up in the same place regardless of age or pace.
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And that is where we are supposed to be.
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I found my voice later in life.
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I mean, I have emotionally been behind.
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I have discovered myself later in life, which I am so proud of myself.
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And every single part of my life has led me to the next chapter.
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And it is just allowing, you know, it's an allowing of what's next, a giving permission and an acceptance of where we are and letting go of comparisons, of being okay where we are in order to go forward, putting the social media down and just be where we are.
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And I don't know why we do that.
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I think we are so much more into picking up the phone when we're in social situations or really anywhere that we are.
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And I think it might have to do somewhat with just trying to escape.
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I mean, there's just so much going on in the world, and I think it helps us escape.
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I don't know, but just putting them down and be where we are, enjoying where we are without feeling like we need to be on the same paths as the person next door.
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No one has lived your experiences.
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No one has started from your exact place.
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No one has factored all of your genetics and environments to compare to.
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So we should just accept that we are where we are and go from there.
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And I love that allowing what's next, giving yourself permission.
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I think that's huge.
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That's so important because when we stop fighting where we are, we actually free up the energy to move forward.
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And I think that's the piece that maybe we don't talk about enough.
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There's no universal timeline on becoming yourself.
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There's no age where you quote, should have figured it out.
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There's no peace that means you're doing it right.
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Imperfect progress is still progress.
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And every path is shaped by things we don't see, like health, loss, love, trauma, support, privilege, resilience.
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So comparison doesn't just steal joy, it erases context.
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And when we let go of that, when we stop measuring ourselves against someone else's life, we get to actually inhabit our own.
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That's where peace shows up.
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That's where clarity shows up.
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And that's the era I'm in now, truthfully.
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Peace is a great place to be.
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You know, I've been feeling more peace lately, um, like just with myself.
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Not necessarily about the world or different other things like that.
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But I have been giving myself permission to be at peace, to not have to constantly be moving.
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And I'm so proud of myself because I don't think that I've ever done that before.
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But we don't bloom late.
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We bloom after the ground finally became what it needed to be in order to grow.
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I love that.
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And you know what?
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I can tell that you are just more happy and calm.
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Not that you weren't happy before, but when you allow yourself just some space, other things can grow.
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You know, we don't have to fill it all the time with what the world thinks we need.
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And you're right, I don't feel the peace with the world right now, but I do feel it with myself and my my little family.
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And my family's really enjoying just time being together and at home.
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And we're really talking a lot here about social media and just electronic time in general and use and how there's more than that.
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It's about connection.
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So I think that um you're right, we just we all bloom right on time, right when we're supposed to.
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And the rest of it is all context.
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Yeah, you know, my younger son, um, he wanted, he loves music just like I do.
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We're big music people.
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And he's like, you know, let's, and I have had the my records, my vinyl, you know, and all that stuff tucked away.
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And he's just like, let's get it out, you know.
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So we made a space in his game room for it, and it's so I don't know, it's brought another piece back to me.
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I think because we just sit in front of the record player together and we just listen to records.
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And I don't know, it just it just brings just such a joy to my heart for to bring that into my life now.
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Isn't it simple things that can bring so much joy?
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It yeah, it it's it's bringing an extra layer of peace, I think.
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And I don't know why, I don't know why we don't, we just are so in the busy and in the crazy that sometimes I think that we just can't see just something as simple as that can bring about a piece that we just didn't even expect.
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You know what I love is even when my boys are doing their electronic time, yeah.
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We all end up wanting to be together.
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It's actually really quite cute.
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I've really noticed that over the last few months, and I think it's sweet.
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Yeah, I've moved all of their gaming stuff on the same level as us.
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So they have actually their same room.
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I converted what was used to be our dining room, and now it's their gaming room, and now the music room and things like that, because I don't want them to be downstairs when they're doing those things.
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I want us to be on the same level and we can all see each other while we're doing our thing.
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And I I just love that.
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I do too.
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Well, Ann, let's talk a little bit about progress.
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Yeah, progress is not momentum, it's capacity.
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Progress is not about how fast we've moved, it's about how much we can hold at a time.
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How much discomfort can we hold without numbing?
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And I've been, you know, I I have done that.
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Everyone is different.
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Speed, I think, gets praise, but capacity gets built.
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And building capacity takes time, it takes safety, it takes honesty.
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And to me, that's real progress.
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So maybe the question is not why am I not moving faster?
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Maybe it's what am I learning to carry right now?
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And can I honor that instead of judging it or even wishing it away?
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So I think some seasons ask us to be brave and others ask us to be tender.
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But you know what?
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Both of them require strength, both expand capacity, and neither one is a step backward.
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And this is where I think comparison really breaks down because you can't see someone else's capacity, you only see output, and growth happens in those unseen places.
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So, when do we let go and ask for help?
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That is one that is also very different for everyone.
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Sometimes we feel like asking for help is a weakness, and feeling whatever it is that we are feeling can actually feel weak.
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And this is about giving permission again.
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But I think that the main point to this is that we are where we are supposed to be no matter what.
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Yes.
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Now, sometimes I think asking for help isn't about timing, it's about safety, I think is one reason.
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So we ask when we finally feel safe enough to be seen where we are.
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And to me, again, that's growth.
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So personally, I have noticed at times that when I ask for help, it's usually when I'm at my most vulnerable and when I'm at the end of my rope, as the saying goes.
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And I'm learning maybe that waiting that long is not strength.
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It's instead a signal that I've been carrying too much on my own.
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And so I think a lot of us do this.
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We wait until we're breaking, until we're mentally exhausted.
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We don't ask for help when we're calm.
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We ask when we're out of capacity.
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And that realization has taught me something about how much I've carried alone or been carrying alone.
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And maybe we don't need to be stronger.
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Maybe we need to ask for help sooner.
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And I don't mean to disown men here, but I'm just gonna, because I think women, I think we do this so much more.
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I mean, I'm not, you know, men do it.
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I'm just we have we we take on everybody's else's needs in the family, our friends at work.
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Yes, and ourselves.
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And if you really think about it in a visual sense and you try to think of how much that we are carrying on our back.
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And even when you feel like the slightest little bit of load come off, you just don't realize how heavy it was until after the fact.
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And I think that that is just so important that for us to be able to maybe tune into that while it's happening instead of in hindsight.
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Yeah, I think you are spot on.
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Sometimes I feel like the Grinch with that big bag, you know, that's behind him that he's carrying, or maybe that Max is pulling.
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And just one by one, it's like, no, I need to let something go.
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I I can no longer carry this, it's not serving me in any way, or someone else needs to pick it up.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I do think that we need to not feel like we need to explain where we are in whatever phase that we're in.
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We don't owe that to anyone, whether it be grief or transforming, or in a job, or in having a family, or, you know, if we want to start dating again, or when we should be over anything, we don't owe any explanations.
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And I used to feel that I did, you know, as an autistic individual, I went from not really sharing that much to being an oversharer.
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And like, I'll just start talking.
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And it's just like, oh, wait a second, you know, maybe I shouldn't be sharing all of this information with this person that I don't really know that well, you know, or something like that.
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And I just, it's like a script.
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I start and I just go and I say the same things.
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And I've really been trying to pay attention to what I'm sharing with who, you know, and if I really want to share this information with them.
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So I've really been taking a more of a conscience, conscious effort with that.
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I think that's growth again.
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You know, you you see it.
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I've I've been an oversharer at times in my life too, and I'm really reeling it in.
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I know who my core is, and that's who I'm gonna share those deeper things with.
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And, you know, it kind of ties into the next thing I I was gonna talk about, how I I for me, the older I get, the less I feel the need to explain things, whether it be timing, whether it be what I'm doing, uh, or I just I'm starting to, and I don't mean it in the sense it might come off, but I'm starting to care less.
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I don't care what the people who think what people think about me who don't know me well.
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It doesn't matter to me anymore.
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You can love me or you can dislike me, and I don't care.
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What I care about is my family, my core group who know me and know my heart.
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The rest of it doesn't matter anymore.
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But here's the thing: so peace has replaced permission.
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And I am learning something in this season about peace and permission in regard to friendships.
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So some friendships don't survive certain seasons, and I'm I'm in one now, especially the hard ones.
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And it's okay to grieve friendships that are still here, but not what you thought they would be.
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Some people simply, and I don't have the reasons why, and I don't really fully understand it, but some people can't show up in hard seasons, and that doesn't make them bad, but it does change the relationship.
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And instead of hardening or blaming, I'm I'm learning to grieve what was, accept what is, release any expectation, and just keep walking with the people who want to walk with me now, and letting go of resentment, making room for the right connections to stay.
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And those are my people.
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Yeah, they do change over time, don't they?
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I mean, we think that, you know, these are our solids, you know, and they're ride or dies.
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And, you know, they do change, and it has to be okay because it really is okay.
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And, you know, it's sometimes a revolving door where somebody goes, but another person is revealed.
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And I think that, you know, like you and I, we we've got our core, you know, and you're one of mine, and you will always probably be one of mine.
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Um, and it's the people that we really trust and feel safe with, which it goes back to that word safe.
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And I think that that is just so important.
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Yeah.
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I uh I want to touch on something that you said earlier because, and it has to do with actually the podcast.
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And I am really proud of myself when it comes to this.
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I really wanted to talk about this because with the podcast comes a lot of responsibility.
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And when we first started and all the guests started and things like that, I felt more of a need to say yes, try to work people into the podcast no matter how it, you know, I was really trying to make it work.
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And I would say 99% of our guests have been right on, right on with who we are.
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Um, I get probably three or four messages a day from publicists and different people, uh, even individual people that are trying to convince me to have them on.
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And uh I have been saying no more often, and I am really proud of myself because we've established who we are.
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And I just love that we know who we are, and that that's a part of it too.
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It's knowing who we are and knowing what boundaries to set up to maintain who you are.
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I just thought that that was really important.
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I think it is important too, and sometimes saying no is really the best yes for you.
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I never was able to say no before, and I feel so like you know, we're a uh a really great podcast.
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I really believe in who we are, and so in um I'm more apt to say no now because of who we are and what we've established, what we've grown to.
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And I'm really proud of that.
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So, I mean, somebody really has written me back and forth like five times, and they just keep trying to convince me why they should be on.
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And I've let them know in a very professional way my stance on things and why I felt that they shouldn't be.
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And they said, Well, but yes, but this would be a great platform for us to have this disagreement.
00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:34.400
And I was like, and I really we do.
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:38.160
That's that was really Yeah, I did think about it.
00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:40.640
Um, but I don't want to give them a platform.
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:44.000
So I was like, no, this is our platform.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:45.119
Yeah.
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:45.680
Okay.
00:20:45.759 --> 00:20:45.920
Yeah.
00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:46.880
I love it.
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:47.599
Yeah.
00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:49.119
Anyway, back to this.
00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:54.079
But I really just wanted to share that because it's really been growth within the podcast itself.
00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:56.640
And I've just been so proud of where we are now.
00:20:56.799 --> 00:21:00.880
So well, and you take on 98% of the load.
00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:02.160
So I'm proud of you.
00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:03.440
This is your podcast.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:05.519
I am happy that I get to be a part of it.
00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:06.480
It's ours.
00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:10.240
And I will never ever just say that it's mine.
00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:11.279
It is ours.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:15.599
It is not um uh what we are without Tina.
00:21:15.839 --> 00:21:21.279
So anyway, yeah, I well, I do.
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:23.920
I love you, and that's why this works.
00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:36.319
Uh, most of these things that we are talking about, even with what I just shared, all of it is internal, and there's no external measure, and there doesn't need to be.
00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:41.519
We're gonna keep reiterating that forward motion is not always the goal.
00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:45.920
Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is just stay.
00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:51.920
Stay with the feeling, stay with the conversation, stay present when we would rather escape.
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:54.960
Stay kind to yourself when you're disappointed.
00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:57.119
That's not standing still.
00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:59.680
I would think of it as rewiring.
00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:08.400
Tina, sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stay because we feel like we have to be moving.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:28.319
But I've learned to give myself permission to sit in the moment, sit in front of the record player, to maybe have more time before I go into a conversation, to stay in the moment when I want to run from, to stay in the emotion instead of tell myself that it's time to move on.
00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:41.440
And I have to tell my own self that it's okay to give myself breath, myself time, whatever amount of time that that is, just be, and there is no timeline for that.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:49.680
And you know, sometimes if you feel like when you're staying, it is a hard, messy place.
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:51.599
And sometimes it is.
00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:56.160
It's where so much growth can happen if we let it.
00:22:56.480 --> 00:22:59.440
So the example is with my mom.
00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:04.559
I'm a secondary caregiver for her at least once a week, if not twice or more.
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:06.720
I take care of her.
00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:19.200
And I think that being a caregiver is really one of, I guess, the last ways that you can really show unconditional love.
00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:32.079
And in this hard, messy place, I've also been so proud of me, my children, my husband, my dad, um, gosh, even my mom.
00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:38.480
And if we let it, there's some real growth that can happen.
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:50.400
Um, there's a children's book by Lisa Turkist that we have here, and it talks about how a seed has to sit in the dark, messy soil before it can grow into something beautiful.
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:58.559
And I think if we can have that analogy, and even though that place is hard, it's so worth it.
00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:02.160
And the beauty will come from that soil.
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:06.160
I really love that.
00:24:06.319 --> 00:24:13.519
And I just love how your family is all growing together, even in one of your darkest times.
00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:17.759
Yeah, it's I think that it's important, you know.
00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:24.559
My kids, not only are they seeing me and how I handle it, and I'm very, very proud of me.
00:24:24.720 --> 00:24:26.160
I mean, I truly, truly am.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:27.440
There are times I want to quit.
00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:39.599
I don't want to stay, but I stay anyway because I understand that I will learn and grow, even though it's hard and I don't like it, and I wish it was different.
00:24:39.759 --> 00:24:43.680
But my children also give me a different perspective.
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:53.279
You know, they they want to go over and see grandma and grandpa, and they want to help, and they laugh at the little things.
00:24:53.359 --> 00:25:00.640
Currently, for those who don't know, my mom has early on said Alzheimer's, we're in year six, she's 65 years old.
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:05.119
We are in the very almost end, end, end stage.
00:25:05.359 --> 00:25:09.920
And so if we get a couple words out of her, it's beautiful for us.
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:17.119
And so the funniest thing is my husband, no matter what, can get her to smile and talk.
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:19.200
And we can't figure it out.
00:25:19.440 --> 00:25:24.480
She will just smile at him and he'll say, I love you, and she'll say, I love you too.
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:29.279
And we all just go, so then we all try, Mom, I love you.
00:25:29.440 --> 00:25:30.799
She told me, Thank you.
00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:35.680
She told one of my other boys, don't say or don't say that again, or something like that.
00:25:35.759 --> 00:25:37.759
It's so Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
00:25:38.079 --> 00:25:38.400
Yes.
00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:44.480
And then my husband, my husband says to her, I love you, and holds her hand and I love you.
00:25:44.559 --> 00:25:45.599
And she smiles back.
00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:48.000
And my dad and I, we are all just laughing.
00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:51.680
And my middle son is like, Stop fighting over grandma.
00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:56.480
So now our thing is to see who can get the I love you.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:26:06.559
But see, they they bring out, even my husband, such a special part in this hard time where we can still find, you know, a way to laugh together.
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:10.079
And uh sometimes mom even gets a laugh in too.
00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:12.720
Maybe she thinks he's cute.
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:14.319
He is cute.
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:21.359
I know, but maybe she like has this feeling like, oh, he's he's cute and he's telling me he loves me.
00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:22.079
I don't know.
00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:22.960
That's so awesome.
00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:24.000
So funny.
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:29.759
We we just he and he just looks at me like ha ha, you know, I got the I love you, and you didn't.
00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:31.039
Oh my gosh, that's something.
00:26:31.279 --> 00:26:33.920
That's something that we just we just giggle about now.
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:39.839
So a little bit of joy, if you will, in a really hard and awful season.
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:46.640
But again, being in a hard, messy place, there's something you can learn if you let it.
00:26:47.039 --> 00:26:56.480
Well, everyone, and I mean everyone, has a different timeline, like we've been saying, and society measures success wrong.
00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:02.960
Some growth does not show up as achievement, it just shows up as peace, as Tina has been saying.
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:05.440
You know, that's so true.
00:27:05.759 --> 00:27:12.720
And living in a culture that rewards what can be seen can make that really hard to notice.
00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:22.079
I mean, there's numbers and titles and milestones, before and after photos, announcements that fit neatly into a caption.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:27.759
If it can be measured, tracked, posted, or proven, it tends to get the spotlight.
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:33.519
But some of the most meaningful growth in a human life neat leaves no evidence behind.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:37.200
We've been taught that productivity equals worth.
00:27:37.359 --> 00:27:38.720
What did you accomplish?
00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:40.079
What did you finish?
00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:42.319
What did you produce today?
00:27:43.680 --> 00:27:51.119
I'm still stuck on growth, meaningful growth in a human life leaves no evidence behind sometimes.
00:27:51.279 --> 00:27:53.839
Yeah, it's a it's a deep inner thing.
00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:56.240
And all I can think of is just peace, peace, peace.
00:27:56.319 --> 00:28:00.799
And the more I'm at peace, the more I guess the happier, grateful.
00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:01.519
I don't know.
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:03.599
There's just something to that piece.
00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:10.319
Well, you know, we we talk about this, and again, productivity doesn't always show up on a resume.
00:28:10.400 --> 00:28:11.599
It doesn't get applause.
00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:22.480
And yet it's the foundation of real connection and real healing that happens on the inside sometimes, you know, where you cannot see it.
00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:26.799
So you can be incredibly productive and completely absent.
00:28:26.960 --> 00:28:30.880
You can check every box and still feel disconnected from your own life.
00:28:31.200 --> 00:28:36.720
Presence doesn't move fast, it doesn't impress systems, but it changes people.
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:39.599
And maybe we've been measuring the wrong things.
00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:40.559
Yeah.
00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:44.799
One of the most damaging things that we learn is how to look okay.
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:49.200
We learn to smile, we say, I'm fine, to keep functioning.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:58.960
You know, we just keep showing up, and society rewards that you're praised for being strong, admired for pushing through, respected for not needing anything.
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:03.119
But healing isn't about appearing okay, it's about being honest.
00:29:03.359 --> 00:29:06.319
I think there's a Taylor Swift song about that somewhere.
00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:07.039
Really?
00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:07.920
Oh, okay.
00:29:08.079 --> 00:29:09.119
I'm sure there is.
00:29:09.359 --> 00:29:15.039
Yes, yes, just talking about, you know, oh, I'm supposed to just smile through it, you know.
00:29:15.279 --> 00:29:22.799
Anyway, I I I really thought of that song as you said that because there's so funny good that you just mentioned in there.
00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:24.319
I think we're taught the wrong things.
00:29:24.400 --> 00:29:34.240
I I there are times where you have to be strong and and not show, I guess, your feelings, but at some point you do need to get them out so that you can you can start to heal.
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:40.319
Well, that honest part is you don't have to be, and I'm not saying not be honest with other people.
00:29:40.480 --> 00:29:42.240
Um, you don't have to tell them.
00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:45.200
The most important thing is to be honest with yourself.
00:29:45.440 --> 00:29:47.039
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:30:05.440
Healing often looks like this maybe crying after holding it together for years or admitting you're not coping as well as people think, slowing down when everyone expects you to speed up, choosing rest instead of resilience, saying this hurts without wrapping it up in a joke.
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:10.960
From the outside, maybe that looks like regression, but from the inside it's liberation.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:33.519
No one claps when you don't text back someone who drains you, when you set a boundary that you used to betray yourself to avoid, when you stop explaining your trauma to people who haven't earned it, when you notice a trigger sooner than you used to, and when you choose not to react.
00:30:35.519 --> 00:30:36.480
I'm gonna clap.
00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:40.559
I'm gonna clap because I have done all of those things.
00:30:40.799 --> 00:30:47.359
I have worked in these hard, messy places, and absolutely, if that's you two, you give yourself a round of applause.
00:30:47.599 --> 00:30:47.920
I know.
00:30:48.559 --> 00:30:52.240
I have a hurt finger, so I can't really clap the way it would normally clap.
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:53.119
I'm E.T.
00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:53.519
See?
00:30:53.680 --> 00:30:54.720
Anna's E.T.
00:30:55.440 --> 00:31:01.519
Yes, Tina has pointed out to me that it looks like E.T.'s, and you have to go on YouTube if you want to see it.
00:31:01.680 --> 00:31:04.640
Um, but yeah, I have injured myself.
00:31:04.720 --> 00:31:07.920
But yes, clapping for um where we are now.
00:31:09.279 --> 00:31:10.880
We we have come so far.
00:31:11.200 --> 00:31:12.319
Yes, yes.
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:22.640
You know, there's no photo for learning to trust yourself, releasing shame, sitting with grief without numbing, forgiving yourself, outgrowing survival patterns.
00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:27.599
This kind of growth doesn't come with a highlight reel, like maybe you'd see on social media.
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:33.279
These kinds of changes are much bigger and better because they're life-changing.
00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:48.319
What if success looked like feeling safe in your own body, knowing when to stop, trusting your inner voice, being honest instead of impressive, living with integrity, not urgency.
00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:53.279
What if growth wasn't about becoming more, but becoming truer?
00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:58.720
That kind of success doesn't trend, but it transforms.
00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:02.640
It should trend because I think we'd all be a lot happier.
00:32:02.799 --> 00:32:08.319
Some of the most important growth in your life will never be visible.
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:14.319
You are the only person who needs to see or recognize your growth.
00:32:14.559 --> 00:32:25.759
And most of the time, that is in hindsight when we look back and see where we were 20 years ago, but did not even see the growth when it was happening.
00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:27.279
That is so true.
00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:32.400
Some growth is only visible once we're far enough away to see it.
00:32:32.640 --> 00:32:49.200
It is really neat for me to go down memory lane and think of how I would handle something now so much differently than I did 10, 15, 20 years ago, and how that wouldn't bother me now, but boy, it sure did back then.
00:32:49.759 --> 00:32:50.240
Yeah.
00:32:50.559 --> 00:32:52.640
Hindsight should be a blessing.
00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:54.880
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:33:02.160
This is why people prefer performance over taking time to do you or heal.
00:33:02.319 --> 00:33:07.039
You know, why performance gets praised in healing often goes quiet.
00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:17.200
Healing slows things down, performance keeps things moving, healing asks questions, performance avoids them.
00:33:17.599 --> 00:33:23.039
Healing changes boundaries, performance maintains appearances.
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:30.880
Our culture doesn't always know what to do with someone who says, I'm not okay, and I'm not going to pretend I am.
00:33:31.039 --> 00:33:33.200
Boy, do I feel this to my core.
00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:39.119
So instead, you praise the people who just keep functioning even when they're falling apart quietly.
00:33:39.359 --> 00:33:42.400
But functioning is not the same as being well.
00:33:42.559 --> 00:33:48.319
You can be incredibly high-functioning and still be deeply unhealed.
00:33:48.799 --> 00:33:52.079
You are speaking so much truth right here.
00:33:52.319 --> 00:33:56.319
Healing doesn't rush, and neither should you.
00:33:57.359 --> 00:34:01.519
This is permission to let go of these imaginary deadlines you may have.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:14.079
Let your nervous system, your needs, your pain, and just be on time for the version of you that finally feels safe when you feel safe enough to be that person.
00:34:14.639 --> 00:34:18.800
I read something recently that sort of stopped me in my tracks.
00:34:19.039 --> 00:34:25.280
A woman shared that she loved her husband deeply, but for a long time she didn't want to be touched.
00:34:25.519 --> 00:34:28.719
And she realized it wasn't about him at all.
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:35.840
It was about her nervous system being overwhelmed from things she hadn't fully processed yet.
00:34:36.079 --> 00:34:42.320
And that really resonated with me because it reminded me that disconnection doesn't always mean lack of love.
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:51.199
Sometimes it's our bodies asking for safety or rest or healing in realizing that doesn't mean we're broken.
00:34:51.360 --> 00:34:54.960
It means there's something worth paying attention to.
00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:36.159
I mean, that just makes so much sense to me, what you just said.
00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:47.280
And I feel like as a mom in general, there may be times where, yes, I love my husband and I love my kids so much, and I love to give hugs and get them from them.
00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:58.639
But also I don't want to be hung on and clinged to and made to feel like that's all that there is going to be happening, if if that's making sense.
00:35:58.719 --> 00:36:04.880
Like I don't want my husband to be thinking, you know, that the touch will, this touch will lead to this.
00:36:04.960 --> 00:36:08.239
And I don't want my kids then to constantly hang on me.
00:36:08.320 --> 00:36:12.719
Like sometimes I'm just overwhelmed and I just need a little bit of breathing room, you know?
00:36:13.039 --> 00:36:13.679
Mm-hmm.
00:36:14.559 --> 00:36:15.199
Yes.
00:36:15.840 --> 00:36:18.719
So let's go back to timelines.
00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:22.000
Again, you don't need to explain your timeline to anyone.
00:36:22.159 --> 00:36:23.840
You don't need to prove your progress.
00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:26.239
You don't have to move forward out loud.
00:36:26.480 --> 00:36:30.400
You do not have to perform or catch up to anyone.
00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:36.159
You are building something that lasts, and that takes time on your own time.
00:36:37.920 --> 00:36:40.639
You know, we want to just throw out some quotes.
00:36:40.719 --> 00:36:44.800
You know how we are at Real Talk with Tina and Ann, and we love our quotes.
00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:49.199
So you know, yeah, I there's quite a few.
00:36:49.280 --> 00:36:54.400
Well, like six or seven or whatever that we were thinking of seven.
00:36:54.960 --> 00:36:56.079
Six, seven, yeah.
00:36:56.239 --> 00:36:56.960
Six, seven.
00:36:57.039 --> 00:36:58.559
Yeah, we can't say that.
00:36:58.800 --> 00:36:59.920
I should have known.
00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:01.199
I should have known.
00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:01.840
Yes.
00:37:02.000 --> 00:37:07.920
I I said something earlier today, and what's in yeah, my son automatically just starts doing that.
00:37:08.079 --> 00:37:09.679
So it's I love it.
00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:11.119
It's so sweet and innocent.
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:11.760
It's fun.
00:37:12.079 --> 00:37:12.480
Nothing.
00:37:12.559 --> 00:37:13.199
So it's fun.
00:37:13.280 --> 00:37:14.320
I'm on board.
00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:16.000
Yeah, I am too.
00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:19.360
And what I love about it is that everybody knows about it.
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:20.800
Everybody's on board with it.
00:37:20.960 --> 00:37:22.320
So that kind of makes it more fun.
00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:30.880
There was an official that I saw during an NFL game that had to say 6'7, and he went like this during his, you know, and it was it was hilarious.
00:37:31.199 --> 00:37:31.840
That's great.
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:41.519
Um, so healing doesn't move in a straight line, it circles, pauses, doubles back, and still counts.
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:45.360
I would say that defines me.
00:37:45.599 --> 00:37:50.559
And I feel like for a lot of you, it might define you as well.
00:37:50.719 --> 00:37:58.639
Again, healing, it's not like, oh, okay, I feel like I've healed from this, and now I will never have to experience that feeling again.
00:37:58.880 --> 00:38:06.079
Unfortunately, it does come back in certain things when you're maybe triggered or a memory comes up, and it's okay.
00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:09.599
So you're right, it circles, pauses, doubles back, still counts.
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:10.400
That's great.
00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:12.559
How about on comparison?
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:18.159
The moment we compare our healing to someone else's, we stop listening to our own body.
00:38:19.760 --> 00:38:20.880
Isn't that good?
00:38:22.079 --> 00:38:23.360
It really is.
00:38:24.079 --> 00:38:24.719
That's a good one.
00:38:25.039 --> 00:38:25.920
Because it's true.
00:38:26.400 --> 00:38:26.880
It is.
00:38:27.519 --> 00:38:30.880
We are more focused outward instead of inward.
00:38:34.079 --> 00:38:35.119
That's one too.
00:38:35.280 --> 00:38:36.159
I'm gonna remember that.
00:38:36.239 --> 00:38:37.760
I'm gonna really think about that.
00:38:38.079 --> 00:38:38.880
That's so good.
00:38:39.119 --> 00:38:39.679
That's so good.
00:38:40.719 --> 00:38:41.679
Here's another one.
00:38:41.840 --> 00:38:47.599
You're not behind, you're healing on a timeline that actually belongs to you.
00:38:49.440 --> 00:38:51.039
That makes me happy.
00:38:52.559 --> 00:38:56.480
I yeah, it does me too, because it's the permission that we need.
00:38:57.280 --> 00:38:57.599
Yeah.
00:38:58.480 --> 00:39:00.400
I'm sitting in that for a second.
00:39:00.719 --> 00:39:11.360
Okay, so we've talked in this episode about invisible progress, but some of the most important healing can't be posted, measured, or proved to anyone else.
00:39:11.440 --> 00:39:15.199
And I would also add, it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be.
00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:22.639
No, and I don't post like I did used to on Facebook, you know, and things like that.
00:39:22.800 --> 00:39:26.400
I really do think that a lot of things are just for us.
00:39:26.639 --> 00:39:28.159
And I love that.
00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:32.559
And we don't have to prove it to anybody by putting things out there, you know.
00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:38.000
It is it it's what's important to us, and we do it the way that we want to measure it.
00:39:38.159 --> 00:39:40.320
And we don't even have to measure.
00:39:40.559 --> 00:39:41.519
We we don't.
00:39:41.679 --> 00:39:43.519
And that is that's up to us too.
00:39:43.599 --> 00:39:45.679
And I think that that's a beautiful thing.
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:46.880
I do too.
00:39:47.039 --> 00:39:59.760
Over the last, I would say six to twelve months or so, I've really cut back on social media because I realized it's not that I wanted the world or my friends to see what I was doing.
00:40:00.239 --> 00:40:04.000
What I really wanted was to capture and remember the memory.
00:40:04.480 --> 00:40:10.079
And so, you know, I plan to just do that in more of scrapbooking just for our family.
00:40:10.239 --> 00:40:13.440
On occasion, you'll see something from me.
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:18.159
Maybe my kids are selling Super Bowl squares for a fundraiser.
00:40:18.400 --> 00:40:22.239
Or maybe my youngest son fell asleep in the toy box last night.
00:40:22.320 --> 00:40:24.159
And I thought it was hilarious.
00:40:24.639 --> 00:40:25.440
That was hilarious.
00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:26.480
That's a keeper.
00:40:26.719 --> 00:40:32.079
Yeah, you might see something like that, but I'm not, I'm as real as they come.
00:40:32.239 --> 00:40:45.199
And on social media, I I want that to come through when I post, but I don't feel the need to share everything about me to people that I barely know.
00:40:45.679 --> 00:40:49.280
And if you know me well, then you get to be on the inside.
00:40:49.360 --> 00:40:51.119
And if you don't, then you don't.
00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:53.519
But it won't just be a highlight reel.
00:40:53.679 --> 00:40:58.159
You know, it'll be real things, just infrequent.
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:00.880
Here's another one.
00:41:01.519 --> 00:41:07.039
Late blooming isn't failure, it's growth that weighted for safety.
00:41:09.199 --> 00:41:09.840
Wow.
00:41:11.440 --> 00:41:12.000
Yes.
00:41:12.320 --> 00:41:13.360
Yes, it is.
00:41:13.920 --> 00:41:15.280
I love that so much.
00:41:15.760 --> 00:41:19.280
That describes my life.
00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:24.320
It describes where I am right now in my life.
00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:30.079
Isn't it's growth that weighted for safety?
00:41:30.880 --> 00:41:32.239
That's so good.
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:35.679
I think we need to call this entire episode that.
00:41:47.519 --> 00:41:49.119
Yeah, absolutely.
00:41:49.440 --> 00:41:52.079
So uh how about another one?
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:54.880
Progress isn't always forward motion.
00:41:54.960 --> 00:41:57.440
Sometimes it's learning how to stay.
00:41:57.760 --> 00:41:58.159
Yes.
00:41:58.320 --> 00:41:59.519
I think that's a good one, too.
00:42:00.159 --> 00:42:00.400
Yeah.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:07.440
Yeah, because I've always I'm an ADHD, I'm a moob, I'm a shaker, I'm a like, let's go.
00:42:07.599 --> 00:42:10.719
Um, if we're gonna solve this, we got to get on it.
00:42:10.880 --> 00:42:17.760
Um, and I yeah, it's been really hard for me to sit and stay in things, but I'm getting better.
00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:18.960
That's so good.
00:42:19.119 --> 00:42:22.320
Again, it's just some progress, no matter how.
00:42:22.480 --> 00:42:25.519
It's good to be able to learn how to just stay.
00:42:25.679 --> 00:42:27.440
I I think it's so important.
00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:34.159
Just because the world moves fast doesn't mean your healing has to.
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:40.880
Don't you wish sometimes it could, but I truly believe you have to feel the heel.00:42:41.039 --> 00:42:42.880
There's no timeline for it.00:42:43.199 --> 00:42:47.199
And we are where we are for a reason.00:42:47.519 --> 00:42:52.800
And there's there really is so much to learn along the journey.00:42:53.199 --> 00:42:56.800
Everything that's worth it, everything that's worth it takes time.00:42:57.039 --> 00:42:58.480
Yeah, absolutely.00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:02.800
And if it wasn't worth it, then it wouldn't be so deserving of your time.00:43:02.960 --> 00:43:05.280
So maybe you have to think about that too.00:43:05.519 --> 00:43:08.239
Is it something that's worth all the investment?00:43:08.559 --> 00:43:12.000
And if the answer is no, then I think you wash your hands of it and move forward.00:43:12.079 --> 00:43:15.360
But if so, feel your way through it to the other side of healing.00:43:15.679 --> 00:43:16.320
Yes.00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:27.840
Well, as we close today, we just want to say clearly, especially for anyone listening and quietly wondering if they're doing healing right.00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:28.960
Yeah.00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:31.119
No universal timeline.00:43:31.360 --> 00:43:38.159
There is no finish line that you're missing, and there is no version of your life that you're late to.00:43:38.559 --> 00:43:48.320
Healing is not a race, it's not a checklist, it's not something that you graduate from because you've had a good week or a productive season.00:43:48.559 --> 00:43:53.679
Healing is learning how to live honestly inside your own body again.00:43:53.840 --> 00:43:56.480
And that takes as long as it takes.00:43:56.719 --> 00:44:01.199
If all you did today was breathe through something hard, that counts.00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:05.920
If you set a boundary instead of explaining yourself, that counts.00:44:06.079 --> 00:44:09.840
If you didn't spiral the way that you used to, that counts.00:44:10.079 --> 00:44:14.639
If you showed up tired but still showed up, that counts.00:44:17.280 --> 00:44:20.159
Progress doesn't always look like moving forward.00:44:20.400 --> 00:44:23.199
Sometimes it looks like resting without guilt.00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:25.840
Sometimes it looks like going slower.00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:29.599
Sometimes it looks like choosing yourself for the first time.00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:36.480
So if you have been measuring life against someone else's timeline, we want to invite you to stop.00:44:37.039 --> 00:44:42.400
Your healing is not behind, it's unfolding exactly where it needs to be.00:44:43.039 --> 00:44:53.360
And wherever you are today, whether you feel strong, stuck, hopeful, or unsure, you're still in the process.00:44:53.519 --> 00:44:56.320
And the process is where growth lives.00:44:56.800 --> 00:44:59.199
This is Real Talk with Tina and Anne.00:44:59.360 --> 00:45:07.840
And always remember that there is purpose in the pain and there is hope in the journey, and no deadline on becoming who you're meant to be.00:45:08.079 --> 00:45:10.079
So thank you for being here today.00:45:10.159 --> 00:45:12.639
And we will see you next time.
