March 11, 2026
Raising Resilient Kids Begins with Regulated Parents with Clinical Psychologist Dr. Kate Lund
Send a text Today we’re talking about something every parent wants for their kids but often struggles to build in the middle of real life—resilience. We’re joined by clinical psychologist and author Kate Lund, whose work focuses on helping families move away from perfection and toward emotional strength that actually lasts. Her books Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School, Sports, and Life and Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting explore how small shifts in parent...
Today we’re talking about something every parent wants for their kids but often struggles to build in the middle of real life—resilience.
We’re joined by clinical psychologist and author Kate Lund, whose work focuses on helping families move away from perfection and toward emotional strength that actually lasts. Her books Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School, Sports, and Life and Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting explore how small shifts in parenting can make a big difference in how kids learn to handle stress, setbacks, and challenges.
In this conversation, we talk about Dr. Lund’s own journey from childhood medical trauma to becoming a resilience expert, why “stepping back” as parents doesn’t mean disengaging, and how connection—not control—helps kids navigate big emotions.
We also dive into practical tools for regulating our nervous systems, supporting kids with learning differences, handling meltdowns, and building homes where effort is celebrated and mistakes are part of growing.
If you’ve ever wondered how to raise resilient kids without burning yourself out as a parent, this conversation is for you.
Dr. Kate Lund's website is Katelundspeaks.com
@Real Talk with Tina and Ann
Chapters
00:00 - Welcome And Guest Introduction
03:00 - A Childhood That Built Resilience
07:25 - Resilience As A Path To Potential
09:45 - What Step Away Really Means
14:45 - Small Habits That Prevent Burnout
20:00 - Responsive Parenting When You’re Fried
23:10 - Balance And The Comparison Trap
26:20 - Dysregulation Signs And Quick Resets
31:40 - Connection Trumps Control At Home
36:10 - Making Home Safe To Fail
40:40 - Letting Kids Struggle And Advocate
46:40 - Resilience With IEPs And Big Needs
51:55 - Tools That Unlock Learning Strengths
57:10 - Friendships Bullying And Self Belief
Transcript
WEBVTT
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Welcome back to Real Talk with Tina and Ann.
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Today we're diving into something every parent talks about, worries about, and hopes for resilience.
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Our guest today is clinical psychologist, speaker, and author Dr.
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Kate Lund, whose work focuses on helping families build emotional strength in a world that often feels overwhelming.
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With training from three Harvard-affiliated hospitals and decades of clinical experience, she has dedicated her career to understanding what helps people bounce back from stress, setbacks, and life's unexpected challenges.
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She's also the author of Bounce and Step Away, two books that help parents move beyond pressure and perfection, and instead focus on raising kids who can navigate real life with confidence, emotional awareness, and grit.
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In this conversation, we explore what resilience actually looks like in everyday parenting, why stepping back can sometimes be the most powerful thing a parent can do, and how we can help our kids grow stronger without feeling like we have to be perfect ourselves.
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So settle in because this conversation is honest, thoughtful, and full of insights every parent can use.
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Let's get into it.
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This is the episode with Dr.
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Kate Lund.
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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
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I am Anne, and I'm so excited for this conversation because your work hits parents right where we live in the messy, the loud, and the overstimulating middle of real life.
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And what I love is that you don't come with perfection, you come with realness.
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And your second book, Step Away, The Keys to Resilient Parenting, basically gives parents something that we don't get enough of, a way to breathe without guilt.
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And you make this point so clear, resilient parenting begins with a regulated parent.
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And we will talk about your other book, Bounce.
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You had seven pillars of resilience for kids.
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I read both, so thank you for writing them.
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And thank you for being here today.
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Well, thank you for having me.
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I really appreciate it.
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You're a clinical psychologist, a performance coach, a wife, and a mom of twin boys, and you also had a serious medical challenge as a child, including hydrocephalus and multiple surgeries.
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So resilience isn't just your field, it's part of your story.
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And what I love is that you've worked with families through medical challenges, kids with school pressure, athletes, parents in burnout, and you've seen resilience from every angle.
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I actually would like to start with Bounce, if that's okay, because it tells more of your story and who you are and where you've come from.
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Can you talk about your path from that child with hydrocephalus at age four, shunt surgeries, missing school, tumors, and a very long recovery?
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Can you talk about what that did to you emotionally and socially and how that brought you to where you are now as a clinical psychologist?
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Sure.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah, because that's really actually where, for real, where the story starts.
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Um when I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus at four, um, I got really sick, really sort of out of the blue.
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And it was really hard.
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My parents didn't know what was happening, the doctors didn't really know what was happening at first because the imaging technology back in the mid-1970s wasn't what it is today.
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Uh, but fortunately, they did figure out that it was hydrocephalus.
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I didn't know why I had hydrocephalus when I was four.
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That didn't happen until I was 18.
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We figured that out.
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So I'll talk about that in a second.
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Right.
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But early on, you know, the hydrocephalus, the good news is hydrocephalus can be managed with something called a shunt, which circulates the cerebral spinal fluid, which isn't circulating on its own.
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Bad news is, particularly in childhood, shun break.
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So lots of time in and out of the hospital, lots of surgery to get new shunts put in, recovery time, coming back to school, looking different, feeling different.
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I had these giant glasses and this big hockey helmet when I skated with my classmates at recess.
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And so there was a lot of snickering, a lot of chuckling, a lot of, you know, feeling very different, kind of being set apart.
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Right.
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But but within that, I had a lot of support from my family, of parents, of friends, from friends, teachers.
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And I was able to come to a point where I could focus on with that support what I could do as opposed to what I couldn't do.
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And that really was huge.
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That made a lot of difference.
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And that's everything.
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That was everything.
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And, you know, I couldn't do contact sports, I couldn't play hockey like my brother.
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I was really bummed out.
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But somebody along the way helped me pivot to this idea of tennis.
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And I became a pretty good tennis player when I was little.
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And that carried me all the way through.
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I actually played in college and everything.
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And it was a really important piece of my identity and what I could do, and I could do it pretty well.
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I should note though that I was never the best.
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So I rarely took home that first place trophy, but I was playing because I loved it.
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And it it became a really important piece of myself and of my identity.
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And I really do believe a building block for helping me believe in myself in other areas.
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So lots of challenge mixed in there, but also some good stuff in terms of the the um foundation for believing in myself and figuring out that all right, not everything's gonna be easy.
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There's gonna be a lot of hard stuff, but but what can you do and how can that help you move forward?
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Yeah, I mean, one of my favorite you've got so many great points in your book, but one was that you focused on what you could do and not what you couldn't do.
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And I'm autistic and I have other differences.
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So, you know, I actually had to teach myself how to learn.
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And I have always been that person to dig deep and figure it out.
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No matter what, I was going to figure it out.
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So, what did the adults in your life do that protected your sense of self?
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And what can parents do today to build that same foundation for their kids?
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Yeah, and I I think I think it's that whole idea of, I mean, sure, we've got to navigate challenge, we've got to acknowledge challenge, all of that.
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So that was happening, but at the same time, it was kind of really instilled in me.
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Okay, so you've got this challenge, but what's possible?
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How can we help you to focus on your strengths in a way that will help you to move forward through and beyond the challenge to figure out what's possible on the other side of it?
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And I think that was kind of an overarching thread, a message that was embedded into my life early.
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And, you know, that's not to negate the challenges because those were very real and they had to be contended with.
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But that other piece was really, really important.
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Well, your main focus in your book centers around resilience.
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And you say that resilience is the ability to bounce back after a setback and still move forward.
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And you connect resilience to potential in such an important way.
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Resilience makes it more likely that a child will realize what's possible for them within their own context.
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And that is so important within their own context, nobody else's context.
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So, and we can talk more about that later, but can you talk about the relationship between resilience and potential?
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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So our potential is, you know, what we're capable of, the direction that we're moving.
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And we need to have that resilient foundation built to help us move in the direction of our potential, to help us to harness our strengths and use those strengths in helping us navigate through and beyond challenges.
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So there's that relationship.
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Resilience is a catalyst for moving us towards our potential.
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Your first book, Bounce, gives the child side of the coin, but it's the resilience toolbox for kids, you know, like for school sports and friendships and life.
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But your newest release, stepping away, is like the parent foundation.
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Regulate the parent, create space, respond instead of react, build connection, which is so important.
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And these two words, step away, can be taken in so many different ways.
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Parents can hear, what?
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Wait, you want me to neglect my kid?
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But what you're saying is it's completely different.
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What do you say to the parent who feels guilty even hearing those words?
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Yeah, that's such a great question, right?
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Because you hit it right on the head there in terms of what I really mean by that.
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So the step away piece, it's really about taking the time for ourselves as parents to optimize our own sense of well-being so that we can show up fully for our kids, for our family, families, and across the domains of our lives.
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So by stepping away to optimize our own sense of well-being, we're really creating the ability, the space to step in more fully.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And you described the chaos so well in your book.
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I mean, a baby screaming, the other spitting up, what work emails buzzing, you know, dishes mocking you from the sink.
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And every parent listening is like, yeah, I mean, I've been there.
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And you said that you started small.
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I mean, one apple a day and a walk.
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You know, I mean, that's such a simple image, but it's so powerful.
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Why do small changes work when parents feel like they need a complete life overhaul?
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Yeah, and that's that's a really great question because it's true.
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Like when we want to change, human nature sort of uh challenges us to go from point A to point Z all at once.
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But that's really not reality.
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That never happens, right?
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And I know for me, I whenever I've tried that, I've not succeeded.
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So I had gotten really sick with like a germ, a childhood germ when uh my boys were little.
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And it was a nasty germ that really put me out.
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And I recognized at that point that I had been getting pretty run down.
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My husband was on the road like six days a week when our boys were infants.
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And so I did have some support, but I was really like on my own in the trenches with these little guys.
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And it was it was awesome in many ways, but in many ways it was exhausting and depleting and I don't know, left me open for this germ.
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So when that was happening, I recognized that I needed to make some changes.
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But I also recognized I had the perspective to know that I was really too exhausted to make any sweeping changes.
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And as we know, sweeping changes don't really work anyway.
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So I decided to experiment with a couple of small, manageable, daily changeslash habits that I could hold myself accountable for.
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And it was awesome.
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It was like my first experience kind of really trying that, particularly with infant boys, because I'd never had children before, right?
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And so it was a catalyst for a really important lesson, as well as a catalyst for improving my health, improving my well-being, and giving me the space and opportunity to show up more fully.
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So it showed me the power in the small change.
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And for me, it was the apple and the walk, and really helped to incrementally improve my diet and my level of activity.
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And it was it was great.
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You have so many great quotes.
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I mean, I had my book and my pen and I was writing them down, and uh I loved embrace the messiness, and we'll get to my favorite one soon.
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But another one was you don't need to be a superhero, you just need to be responsive.
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And that's basically a whole parenting philosophy in two sentences.
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So talk about responsive parenting, what that looks like when you're exhausted and overstimulated and you have no nothing left.
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Yeah, so you just need to do your best in those moments to be present and to be there on an authentic human level for your child without trying to fix or correct or any of that stuff.
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We want to just be there in that authentic human way.
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And doing that in a way that meets you where you are in that exhausted state is a really important piece.
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And keeping in mind that you're doing the best you can.
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So not beating yourself up for thinking that you need to be doing more or you know, all these things, because exhaustion is real and we have to take that seriously so that we can shift ourselves back onto track.
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Yeah, and and balance is so important.
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And it's really hard for us to find that balance.
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But you you do talk about balance in your book.
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What does balance look like for parents that are juggling so much?
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Yeah, exactly.
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And it looks different for all of us.
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And, you know, it looks like prioritizing and ultimately doing the best you can and managing your expectations as a parent, knowing that you probably won't get to everything on your list in a given day.
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And that's okay.
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And that's okay.
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And that's okay.
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And that's a hard thing for lots of us to reconcile when that first starts happening.
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Because you kind of go into it thinking, okay, you know, I can make this happen and make this happen and make this happen.
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But really, when you have young children, when you, you know, have all these things happening, all these competing demands in your life, you've got to manage your expectations and recognize on some days, you're probably only going to get to one thing on your list, and that's okay.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, and I love the words in your context, like I said earlier.
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And I mentioned it earlier because it was, it really resonated with me.
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You know, people scroll through Facebook and IG and all these things and they compare.
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And I hate that we compare on our worst days to people's picture perfect days.
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So, how do you help parents stop comparing their real lives to someone else's highlight real and start honoring their actual context because none of us have the same starting time, the same genetics, the same brain.
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Right.
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That is such a great point.
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And we're all, yeah, we're all coming from very different places.
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Experiences, dispositions, neurological makeup, like all of it, right?
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Just everything is just coming together in a different way.
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So the first piece, you mentioned the highlight reel.
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The first piece is gently trying to normalize this idea that that's a highlight reel, you know, and what we're seeing oftentimes on Instagram and Facebook and all of these things are the perfect moments, are the are the moments where everything looks great.
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And with the advent of AI, we don't even know if that's actually reality in the truth.
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Yeah.
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So there's that, so there's that piece.
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But there's also more importantly than that, there's helping folks build awareness of who they really are and what their context really looks like in real life and what they need to be at their best within that context.
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And recognizing, helping them to recognize and internalize the reality that what they need to be at their best within their own unique context is going to be different from their best friend or their next door neighbor or their child's best friend's parent or what have you.
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And that's a process that has to unfold over time to help folks recognize okay, well, what's my reality?
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What's my context?
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Like, what are my strengths?
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What are my challenges?
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What are my aptitudes?
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And how can I embrace those things and figure out how to use them to optimize my own sense of well-being, my own ability to be at my best out there in the world?
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Yeah.
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I mean, the nervous system is such a huge piece.
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Regulation, regulation, regulation, right?
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I mean, I'm autistic.
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Three of my kids are.
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So, I mean, we're trying to find regulation under the rug and in the nooks and crannies in our house.
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So, you know, it looks so different in so many different ways for in our house.
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Uh, but there's always different challenges, and not every challenge is an emergency, right?
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And when you step away, it's not avoidance, like you said, it's regulation.
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And that changes how we parent in the moment.
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And what are some signs that a parent is dysregulated?
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And what are ways that we can reset?
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Yeah, that's a great question.
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And so we know that we're becoming dysregulated as parents when our tempers are getting shorter.
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Maybe we're snapping at things which, you know, on a day when we're not feeling quite as overwhelmed, stressed out, those things might not be such a big deal.
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You know, we're snapping, we're yelling, we're not showing up with compassion or that authentic sense of connection.
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So we we know at that point we might be tired, we might be feeling exhausted, we might, you know, be starting to eat poorly for what our body needs.
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So all these things are signs that we're not at our regulated best.
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And so that's the point where we want to step away or build opportunities for us to step away in.
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We want to make sure that we're connecting with friends or some sort of a supportive community in some way.
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It can be short, it can be a phone call to a friend, laughing for a minute, something like that.
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It doesn't have to be a huge deal.
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Um, it's practicing a technique or a tool to regulate your stress response.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:11.920
That's actually the first and most important thing that I teach pretty much everybody that I work with.
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A technique that I love and that I is my go-to in teaching folks was developed by a physician in Boston in the 1970s named Herbert Benson.
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And the technique is called the relaxation response.
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And basically, super simple technique.
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That's why I love it so much.
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You come up with a word or a phrase that you find soothing in some way, and you breathe.
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So five minutes in the morning, five minutes later in the day, and you start to internalize what it feels like to be in that stress-modulated space.
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And then folks can build from there.
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And practice is necessary.
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But the cool thing is you can keep this technique in your back pocket such that when a stressful moment in the house comes up or a hard conversation with a child or something stressful at work, you can take a step back, pause, think of your word or phrase, and breathe for like a minute or two.
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So mini reset.
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So having a technique like that is vital.
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And that's what everything else is built off of.
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I'm a swimmer, and so I would actually do this where I would step away with, I don't know if you did this with tennis, but I would like picture myself swimming, just being in that water, you know, fully engulfed by the water and going through it and, you know, going into the wall and coming out of a turn.
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You know, it just really would calm me.
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I love that.
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That's a great example.
00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:46.319
And yes, that's another way to do it, right?
00:20:46.480 --> 00:20:53.200
Sort of that visualization of being in that space where you are in that stress-modulated mode.
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And swimming is a perfect example of that.
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Um, I I'm I'm a bit of a um fitness swimmer myself.
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And so I hear exactly what you're saying, like, you know, moving through the water and coming out of that turn.
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And so it just feels peaceful in this moment to me, right?
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It does pluck out the world.
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Wonderful, wonderful example.
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I love that.
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Having a way to get into that modulated space is key.
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So I'd said that I had a favorite quote.
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Well, here it is.
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Connection trumps control.
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And when we're scared, you know, we clamp down, we tighten rules, we force compliance with our kids, we try to control our outcomes.
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But kids don't feel safe inside control, but they feel safe inside connection.
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This right here is everything.
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Can you unpack connection trumps control?
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And what does that look like in real life when your child is melting down or pushing every button that you have?
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