I Thought I Needed to Fix My Child...

I Thought I Needed to Fix My Child…

But I Really Needed to Learn How to Hold Them

There’s something no one really prepares you for when you become a parent.

It’s not just the sleepless nights or the endless responsibilities.

It’s what happens inside of you…
when your child is struggling, and suddenly, so are you.

Because we all say we want to raise resilient kids.

We want them to handle hard things.
To bounce back.
To believe in themselves.
To not fall apart when life gets heavy.

But here’s the part that doesn’t get talked about enough:

It’s really hard to teach resilience when you’re barely holding it together yourself.

And I say that with so much honesty.

The Moment I Realized This Wasn’t About Them

There have been moments in my parenting where everything in me wanted to fix what I was seeing.

The meltdown.
The shutdown.
The defiance.
The overwhelm.

I wanted to make it stop.

Not just for them…
but if I’m being real, for me too.

Because their dysregulation triggered something in me I didn’t always understand.

And in those moments, I wasn’t responding as the parent I wanted to be.

I was reacting from my own unhealed places.
My own exhaustion.
My own fear of getting it wrong.

And that’s a hard thing to admit.

What Resilience Actually Looks Like (It’s Not What I Thought)

In our conversation on Real Talk with Tina and Ann with Kate Lund, something shifted for me.

We talked about resilience, not as toughness, not as “just push through,” not as pretending everything is okay.

But as something much more human.

Resilience is:

• Feeling something hard… and not being alone in it
• Struggling… and knowing you’re still safe
• Messing up… and knowing the relationship is still intact

And that hit me.

Because I realized…

Resilience isn’t something we force into our kids.
It’s something we build around them.

The Truth About Being a Regulated Parent

I used to think being a good parent meant having control.

Keeping things calm.
Keeping behavior in check.
Making sure everything stayed “together.”

But what I’ve learned through my kids, through my own healing, and through conversations like this one, is:

You can’t regulate your child if you’re not regulated first.

And that doesn’t mean you’re always calm.

It means you notice when you’re not.

It means you pause, even when it’s hard.
It means you repair when things go wrong.
It means you come back.

There have been times I’ve had to walk away for a minute just to breathe.

Times I’ve had to come back and say,
“I didn’t handle that well. I’m sorry.”

And if I’m being honest…
those moments matter more than the ones where everything went perfectly.

Because that’s what my kids are learning from.

Not perfection.

Process.

“Step Away” Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care

One of the biggest takeaways from this conversation was something that feels so counterintuitive as a parent.

Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re giving up.

It doesn’t mean you’re disconnected.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care.

Sometimes…

Stepping back is the most connected thing you can do.

It’s choosing not to escalate.
It’s allowing space for your child to feel without trying to control the feeling.
It’s trusting that they can move through something, with you nearby, not on top of them.

That’s hard.

Especially when everything in you wants to jump in and fix it.

But resilience grows in that space.

The Kids Who Need This Most

This hits even deeper when you’re raising kids who experience the world differently.

Kids with big emotions.
Kids with learning differences.
Kids who don’t fit into the neat boxes the world expects.

Because the pressure feels heavier.

The stakes feel higher.
The exhaustion feels deeper.

And it’s easy to feel like you’re constantly trying to hold everything together.

But what I’m learning, slowly and imperfectly, is this:

They don’t need me to control everything.
They need me to stay with them in it.

If You’re Tired… I See You

If you’re reading this and thinking…

“I’m trying, but this is hard.”

You’re right.

It is hard.

Parenting in real life, the kind where you’re juggling your own emotions, your past, your stress, and your exhaustion...it’s not the picture-perfect version we see online.

It’s messy.
It’s emotional.
It’s deeply personal.

And you are not the only one walking through it.

What I’m Learning (One Moment at a Time)

I’m not a perfect parent.

I’m a learning parent.

And here’s what I’m holding onto right now:

• I don’t have to get it right every time
• Repair is just as powerful as getting it right
• My calm matters more than my control
• Connection builds what correction never could

And maybe most importantly…

Resilience isn’t something I have to force into my kids.
It’s something we build together, in the middle of real life.

Listen to the Full Conversation

This conversation with Kate Lund is one I’ll carry with me for a long time.

We talk about:

• Her journey from childhood medical trauma to becoming a resilience expert
• What it really means to “step away” as a parent
• Practical ways to regulate ourselves in the middle of chaos
• Supporting kids through meltdowns, learning differences, and big emotions

🎧 Listen to the full episode of Real Talk with Tina and Ann

You can also learn more about her work at: Katelundspeaks.com